Feeling Utterly Pathetic

[blackemerald1]

CrazyHorse a rape is a rape is a rape, it cannot be anything else but a rape because you did not consent to sexual intercourse or any of the other ways a rape can be done. You do not need to be dead, sadistically assaulted or have endured any other injuries...apart from the physical and psychological injuries that the rape leaves you with. Rape is about power, I am sure you will know that. Doesn't matter if you were as high as a air-balloon or passed out. Remember 'date rapes' victims are doped so they are compliant.

I think what is good about this forum is there doesn't have to be a blackboard with points for who is the bigger or best victim of the event that caused them to have PTSD. So, you should not undermine yourself with those horrible thoughts that you should have not got PTSD. Our brains work at a very deep and primal level, much more than we often give thought to. Hence PTSD can happen to a person who has experienced trauma and that is what happened to you.

Please tell your support therapist about how you are feeling, your mood is swinging to the low, self-loathing level and it is really worth stopping it from getting any worse if you can.

Do you not think it is a bit ironic that you are in this terrible state of mind because of trauma you endured which triggered PTSD and now the PTSD is silently and insidiously making you attack yourself for having PTSD?

I understand your feelings and have spent years wondering about the what if's, and the buts, and the if I had only not done/done this or that...basically blaming myself for the actions of others. Lay the blame for your trauma at the feet of the person who did this terrible act to you and try to stop blaming yourself.

Good luck,
blackemerald1

 

[CrazyHorse]

I am truely, truely thankful for you guys support and insight. I will come back and say more later, but just thank you!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've only told my complete story once...well, repeatedly at a trauma center but it was all within a two week period.

I've never told anyone how non-violent it was. Yes, I was a child, but no, I was no coerced, lied to, or threatened to keep my mouth shut. You know, all those "typical" things that abused kids are told.

If I told anyone else, they'd just say "so?!?....you're not over it because...?" They wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it, as it's one of those things that nobody understands if they had a relatively normal childhood.

 

[keifer]

Nothing wrong with venting. I never knew this community existed. Not what I planned on for my summer fall.

 

[quic]

I hesitated to respond to your post, since as a man most may think I can’t relate. But then I remembered the people on this site are the most open and nonjudgmental people in the world. I can relate, and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, you deserve so much more love and respect than you have experienced.

Rape is about power, I am sure you will know that. Doesn't matter if you were as high as a air-balloon or passed out. Remember 'date rapes' victims are doped so they are compliant.

True, rape is an issue of power. I wish to add, it sends a message of unworthiness. How many victims are left feeling unworthy as a human being, even to the point they feel the crime wasn’t harsh enough to warrant bad feelings? Rape is about selfishness and total disrespect of another human being. It sends a message to victims that they are unworthy of respect, love, kindness and compassion, unequal to others. That message is sometimes turned into a belief inside the victim.
It is heart breaking to hear of another example of a man (person) who has cared nothing about a women (another person) and just taken what he wanted without thought of her rights as an equal, let alone her feelings. You don’t have to be beaten to receive the message of unworthiness.
If 1000 men lined up in front of you today and told you how amazing and worthy of love you are, it might be a good start to overcoming the beliefs he left you with. Please Let me be the first in a line of 1000 to say I am sorry for what he did, and he does not speak for any other men. You are worthy, you are good, you are beautiful and you deserve respect and kindness. There is no shame for you here. I pray you will find another 999 who will tell you the same.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think reallydown said a lot in post 5, and I relate to bell's #11. I hope crazyhorse you realize it really really wasn't right, and yes you have a right to feel as you do.

But quic, I think you've really hit it. Thanks for that, especially from a man.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Again, I am at loss for words for the support and kindness from you all, I don't know how to express that more than that....

Quic, I am so very grateful that you decided to reply. Your kind words mean so much to me. I am very touched by them. Thank you!!!

 

[CrazyHorse]

I feel so much better! With the help and support from you all and a decent nights sleep (yay!) has made a world of difference. I feel like the negative self-talk spell has been broken (fingers crossed), and I did something quite cool today: The last couple of days I have tried to find a psychiatrist to get some medical help for my nightmares. They are so bad at the moment (you know how it is). Unfortunatly, here in Denmark, they do not treat PTSD nightmares. That is unheard of apparently. No Prazosine, no nothing.

The first psychiatrist I contacted, was very rude to me. He actually tried to shame me! Long story short: here in DK when you are a student you get some money from the state. If you are a student with a disability, you get extra help. For some reason he asked me if I got the extra money, and when I confirmed that I did, he said to me: ' Oh, then I am sure you are not interested in getting better! That totally stunned me, I mean, I could hardly believe my own ears. Then he went on saying he could not help me anyways and then he just hung up on me. I was so shocked at his behavior.

Then this morning, out of the blue, I phoned him up and said to him: 'Hi Sven, remember me? We spoke yesterday, it is I with PTSD and the extra money from the state! I just want to thank you for your expertise and help. I never realized what a damn lucky potato I am. I am so lucky that I was raped, developed PTSD, lost my student job because of my PTSD, so I now can lean back and collect a bunch of money from the state. I never thought of it that way! You are a brilliant doctor, now I understand why you have no waitinglist, you fixed me over the phone!'

He started stuttering something, and then I endend the phone call. I can't believe I did that! It felt so good, I now feel empowered in some way. Just wanted to share that with you guys, because I feel a bit proud of my self, and you helped me get there :-)

 

[euca]

I can't believe I did that! It felt so good, I now feel empowered in some way. Just wanted to share that with you guys, because I feel a bit proud of my self,

OMG that is fantastic. Way to go Crazy Horse!

I have come late to this thread, but I just wanted to add my support. I am a rape survivor, there were two occasions for me. The first time I guess you could say I was passive, the second time I was not and it was hideously violent. But I was no less violated the first time. You deserve to no feel shame about your PTSD, it is what it is and you can't decide whether to suffer from this or not! I'm glad you are feeling a little better and you totally rock for telling that doctor what an idiot he is!

 

[blackemerald1]

Way to go girl! That doctor was a real 'tool'! So glad you called him back and told him your thoughts on him! I hope you find a good doctor soon. .And good that you are sill not sliding downwards.
Best of luck

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi everyone! :) Just a small update:

It still amazes me that it is possible to feel so low but then pick yourself up again. I could not have done it without the support from you all and from my partner, my family and friends.

When i re-read my posts, it seems I gave the impression that I am in various forms of therapy all at once, I am not though, it was examples of therapy I have recieved over the years.

Yesterday I went to get a body sds (body self development) treatment because of all the PTSD tension stuck in my body. It was amazing. He worked on me for like an hour and a half and when we were done, he said he had calmed down my nervous system, as it was over-alert and stressed. (You think? :-). On the way there, my startle reflex went off about 8-10 times. On the way back, only 2.

I went to bed early and actually slept better than I can even remember. I had a dream about the scumbag that raped me. But it was very different this time. For starters, he admitted it was rape. I was confronting him about it and people around me supported me while I was confronting him. He was not being nice about it though, he called me a whore who did not deserve better, or something like that, but then I spat in his face. I must admit it felt good, but the best thing about the dream was that he exposed himself as a rapist and people supported me. He would not leave though, so my father (who recently passed away) sort of kicked his ass, and then he took off like a shameful dog.

That is really new! A dream where the shame is placed where it belongs. Not had that before:laugh:.

Maybe this new treatment will finally do the trick, but I hardly dare hope so.....

 

[euca]

Hey there. Your dream sounds incredible and empowering! I hope it is a reflection of your waking time shift in cognitions about yourself: ie that it was rape, that you did not deserve it, that you should be able to stand up and say this is wrong and not feel ashamed but in fact be supported and defended. I'm sorry to hear about your father, but I'm glad that your subconscious remembers him as a protector.

I have no idea about various therapy types really but I am a big believer in going with whatever works! I hope this keeps working for you.