Relationship Still No Contact

[nursenurse]

And if you are wondering about a facade, then it was probably there. That's what I mean about it being more than PTSD, that there may be other psych issues exacerbated by PTSD. They may have always been there, just hidden. Trust your gut, do not second guess yourself.

 

[ds112496]

As hard as it is to read those words I have to agree with you. I never imagined I would be in a situation like this. My daughter and I barely talk right now. She is also showing a lack of respect for me. She doesn't listen, help around the house, keep her grades up, and just does what she wants when she wants and I find out about it later. If she lives with him it will be the worst thing for her, but maybe then she will see that the grass isn't greener. When things settle down I am sure he will begin to see exactly how she has been. He has never been a fulltime parent and has no clue what is involved.

I have to get my head on straight and gather the strength I need to get thru this. I am not equipped to deal with someone who has so much anger and hatred inside. My heart aches for him. I know that I can only change myself and that he needs to take responsibility for his behavior. I just hope that it doesn't take something tragic for him to realize the depth of his actions.

 

[Skaterdad]

ds,

I am not going through everything I have read in your post but I can relate. My wife dropped the divorce bomb on me out of nowhere from my perspective. She said it has been this way for years but the truth is she has been struggling and unhappy for years and I was or am the cause. She says that I don't see her hurt or love her, that I did not and have not fought for her in her struggles. The truth is that I did and it as been a fight every step. Unfortunately, I catered to much to her wants and to worked hard to support her dreams and needs. It was tough because it seemed like nothing I did was enough I was never good enough or strong enough. My kids and I both recognized this as untrue and when I say kids I mean adults three adult children who have walked this with me.

Well somewhere between last night and this morning she unloaded on me and told me that I am a kind, caring and loving husband and deserve better. The things that she said to me are hurtful and she just needs to be alone where she can not hurt anyone or be hurt by the realization of what she has said me. What came next did not hit me at first but this morning it feels like my heart just wants to leap out of my chest. She confessed to sleeping around, whatever that means, bottom line she went outside of our marital promise. I see that she is struggling with her mistake and that she does still love me, the fight over divorce was to hide the truth from me and "protect" me.

I love my wife and it hurts to be put at arms length after 29 years. I have seen her highs and lows and have struggled with her over the brutal pain of her childhood trauma. The reality is that it is now on her to be willing to step pass her past, forgive and let go. Her choice to be unfaithful was her choice one that she herself has said is an inexcusable choice in a marriage and now she is living with her own choice. All this is to say this is a battle of the will, my wife or anyone who suffers has to be willing to do the work and forgive themselves and the ones or event that has hurt them.

For us as supporters we need to look past our hurt and look to the future. I am a walking bundle of raw emotional nerves but my life has to move forward for me and for my kids. I do not know what that means but living in the dead zone of confusion and pain just allows me to ask the wrong questions and resurrect a hopeless future. That is not a place to be we are good people despite of the choices that our love ones make. We must find ourselves and live and if healing and forgiveness comes around for our marriage we have to be emotionally ready to take that journey in a way that is healthy and balanced, not loaded with excuses and dysfunction. PTSD is hard but far from impossible but if the the person suffering is not willing to recognize and accept the impact that PTSD can have then it will never get better but stay the same or in my case get worse.

Keep living it will get better just keep living.

Living in Grace,

Skatedad

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He also asked her if I hade been hitting her or pushing her which is crazy since that never happened before. When he talks about pushing her it is me nagging her to do better in school, not physically pushing her. He told her he was sorry she had to see me and him go through this and that he would tell her why he did it when he got back. It infuriates me that he will tell her, but leave me in the dark. He asked if I had been looking for a job. The other thing that pissed me off was he asked her to ask me for information about our boat loan

I don't know how old your daughter is. But talking about you and getting information through your daughter is a big no-no. He should not be putting your daughter in the middle of it. My parents did that to me when they divorced and it really hurt me hearing two different stories and so much anger.

Have you thought about getting her some therapy so she can talk to someone about all this?

My daughter and I barely talk right now. She is also showing a lack of respect for me.

This is part of his goal. It was part of my father's as well to win my favor and see my mother as the bad person while he wanted me to see him as the knight in shinning armor.

Again, this is not something he should be doing and I know you know that.

 

[ds112496]

Ayesha...my daughter is 16. I agree that he should not be putting her in the middle like that and I am very upset about it. She worships the ground he walks on so no matter how good, or bad, our relationship is she will always favor him. I am saddened by this because I have been the primary caregiver most of her life. He was either in the field training, deployed, or just working all the time. She and I argue because we are so much alike. She doesn't see that though, she thinks she is just like him.

She has been seeing a counselor since before this happened. We had been working on our relationship and things were really improving until he did this. Now it seems like we are back to square one.

I am so angry and frustrated by everything going on in my life right now. I feel like he is trying so hard to destroy me emotionally, financially, and physically. Trying to figure out his motives are pointless. His actions are being fueled by his anger. Of course he probably doesn't see it that way. He just sees it as he is now free. I keep saying that this is not the man I know and it really isn't. It truly is like he woke up one morning and said to hell with my life. He has convinced his parents that I am a horrible person too. Their opinion of me doesn't matter, but is still hurts to know that I have been erased so easily from them.

How is it that I mean so little to him?

 

[nursenurse]

It is because he means so little to himself. By dragging you down, he is hoping to feel better about himself. Other mood disorders may be the culprit here, or he could have always just been a nasty SOB and it never really surfaced until now. Focus on the good person you are, you have to matter to yourself now. I have had friends who's kids have done the same to them. It took some real growing up before they finally saw the light, I am talking 4 - 5 years. Now they have decent relationships. Focus. focus, focus, on you and what you need to do. Don't let yourself be sweet talked or blind sided. Remember what I said, this is business now.

 

[ds112496]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am working hard to stay focused and remain positive. I do have times when I am sad and let everything replay in my head. It is just all so hard to accept. I think it would be easier if I had some sort of closure. I really have no idea what his reasons for doing this are. All the things he said the morning he did this make no sense. It was like he was rambling and trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing.

In a way I feel sorry for him. His behavior is pathetic, but he is the one that has to be ok with who he sees in the mirror every morning. My main goal is to continue to move forward with my life and make it the best it can be. I have a long road to travel but the end result will be worth it.

 

[sisu]

It is just all so hard to accept. I think it would be easier if I had some sort of closure. I really have no idea what his reasons for doing this are. All the things he said the morning he did this make no sense. It was like he was rambling and trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing.

I also have this problem ~ when J broke up with me I was really given no reason, well I was given lots of rambling little reasons that made no sense. And I was not given any opportunity to fix whatever the issue was. On top of that I didn't even know he felt that way until it happened. Surprise - I want to break up with you. I still don't really know the reason why.

Its not a normal break up situation - maybe its because of his PTSD, maybe he has other personality issues or maybe he is just an a**hole. I don't know. But after 3 years you would think I would have seen it coming.....

 

[blackemerald1]

ds112496 you have been given some very sound advice I think, in particular stop blaming yourself, get a good lawyer and get what is legally yours in a formal family law agreement. (so he cannot come back and try and take it off you later).

Your daughter is at a 'volatile' age which if you ask a few parents you will get similar stories. Do not let her divide and conquer for her own purposes. No, the grass is not greener on his side of the fence and NO she should not be calling the shots. You should be. Print out the pages from face book where he tries to use your daughter as a spy. My husband is doing the same with my son!

My husband wanted to go down the lawyer path and I got some very nasty letters so I got a lawyer who fired back a couple of questions, mostly financial. Now two years later he wants to drop the lawyers and do it 'personally' but still will not ring me. I no longer trust him and will be using a lawyer for my own sake. My son, who is almost 20 and working and doing University too, texted him asking that he call me because he is really too busy and it is not fair on him (my son or I). We wait for a response.

I hope your husband is paying child maintenance, school expenses, food and utilities for you and your daughter and general upkeep of the home. If not, get to that lawyer and quickly, 2 months is too long to be holding everything up. After 17 years of marriage you are entitled to a say in what you get and what he gets.

Possibly your daughter, if it went to court could go and live with your husband. Just be careful you do not become an emotional football in their relationship because eventually she is going to do something he does not approve of and then it will be, "I want to go and live with Mum!" Then what do you do? All behaviours have consequences as you well know.

My in-laws are also treating me badly and blame me for packing up and moving on with my life.....after he had a 2 year affair and left me???

Keep you head up, and as nursenurse said, "This is business now." Try and separate the grief from the 'business' end of your feelings, a lawyer will help with this.

I know you want to know why why why, so did I. And I got a load of rubbish reasons, like he wanted to go to the cinemas more often....really? Well I never refused an outing once. In fact he had a very well constructed facade and used my money and time for his own purposes, till he embarked on porn, online sex-ting and texting and other disgusting stuff. Your husband may be ill or just being a complete tool. Either way you must protect yourself and your daughter.

Stand tall and strong,
Kind regards, blackemerald1