Relationship Taking Anger Out On Me?

[Chloe15]

Very new to this thread so I apologize if this isn't in the right forum. First a little background info.

My boyfriend was stationed in Iraq in the early 2000's. He said after 9/11 happened he felt compelled to do something about it. He was a paratrooper but also a gunner and he drove tanks in convoys. I don't know too much about this part of him. I feel its inappropriate to ask about something so horrific and personal so I only know what he brings up. We have been together a year. I think if there was a good/bad scale for ptsd id say his was good. He either does a very good job of hiding it or a very good job of dealing with it. He's only had two episodes that I've seen in the past year. First one he got angry and went outside and shot a sign(we live in a suburban neighborhood). He told me I'm lucky it was a sign and not a person. Second one he got angry at this man who pretty much kept coming over uninvited and had a nasty past and he felt like he was threatening us and his family. He told him to get out or he would shoot him. I had to go remove the gun from his hands and ask the guy to leave nicely. And then he had another one a couple days ago which is where my question lies.. So the past few months we've been under tremendous stress. Divorce, money problems, about to lose the house etc. I thought he was handling it fine. I always let him know that he never has to deal with anything alone because that's what I'm there for. Well about a week ago he started pushing me away. We had sex and he couldn't finish which has never happened before. He acted very cold towards me. I'd put my hand on his leg in the car and he'd remove it. He didn't want to sit next to me or be around me. We ended up talking and he told me he was thinking about breaking up with me. He came up with reasons that sounded like excuses. He told me he doesn't want to support me money wise any more (in an apprenticeship and not making money). He told me he was happier living alone. He said quite a few things that were very mean like the closer we get the less I do and that I'm lazy(not true..I do all the housework, cooking, laundry etc). He ended up telling me the next night that he doesn't think its a problem between us but the stress is getting to him and it's making little things that don't usually bother him turn into big things. He told me he loved me and wanted our relationship to work out. He doesn't have many friends. He informed me he doesn't have any outlets for his stress or anger except for me. So that's why he is taking it out on me..this whole time we hadn't been having sex. It had been maybe two weeks when usually it's a lot more frequent than that. I came home yesterday after a week of crying and being upset and things were back to normal...he was kind, sweet and loving. He apologized. We had sex. I could see the light back in his eyes again. He told me he had missed me..like he had gone away..

Anyways, after that long story, I've got a lot of questions.

Was this a result of ptsd? Or something else? I know very little about ptsd and I'm kinda confused over what happened and what was going through his mind.

Also how do I deal with him taking his anger out on me? I'm having a hard time knowing what to expect over the next few yrs. I'm just so confused and hurt and I would love to hear your stories and any advice or opinions or anything at all you have to offer me. I feel so alone in this right now...

 

[WillyKat]

Anger is certainly one aspect of PTSD, but it's also part of a dozen other things. Has he ever sought counselling or any other kind of help? If not, perhaps he should, so that you know what you're dealing with.

I think the good news here is the things he said to you when he came back and appeared his old self. He's clearly struggling with something.

Anger often comes from being hurt badly, like from being betrayed or let down by someone he trusted. There's a lot of sadness tha accompanies it as well as anxiety and depression. It doesn't occur in isolation from that other stuff. Anger is a lot easier to see than the others and gets more attention.

 

[Chloe15]

I'm not too sure if he has ever went to counseling. I don't bring the war up or his problems with coping or anything else unless he does first. I know it can be a touchy subject and I don't want to set him off. He doesn't like talking about or discussing problems. He's very closed off emotionally and it's been this way from the start so its hard to have a conversation with him about anything of meaning because he shuts down and avoids and when I do try and talk to him he pretends he doesn't hear me. His mom and I are close and she was the one who told me he had ptsd. He still hasn't brought it up himself. He's told me he has "problems in the head" and "anger issues" but he's never actually came out and said he has ptsd so I'm not sure he knows that I know. And I don't know how to let him know I know and even bring up such a big thing. I don't know how to start the conversation

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, you're not scared?

Guns and PTSD don't mix. Especially when someone has had two separate incidents with them! (Shooting a sign and threatening others.) I know it's a touchy subject, but he isn't stable enough to have access to a gun. Not to sound mean, but this is a wake up call. If you don't say or do something about the gun issue, someone may get hurt. Can you live with that on your conscience the rest of your life?

(I didn't comment on the other issues because right now, the lack of sex means nothing compared to an unstable person with PTSD and a gun who has a history of being irresponsible with that gun.)

Please don't brush this off and say "he would NEVER...." Most of the other PTSD shooters families & friends probably said the same thing after those incidents.

 

[keifer]

I've been angry, etc. I was told I just had anxiety/depression and do these things and I'll be fine. A month later, I still wanted to put a bullet in my head and whatever bothering me wasn't going away.

I didn't know I had PTSD. I also denied it. If something is bothering him, get help. If I didn't get help, I'd not be writing this. I've never felt such rage in my entire life.

There is no flashing sign you have PTSD. You might not know it. Waiting for your personal life and work to be affected is a sign there is something definitely wrong. It's also too late then to avoid negative consequences. Get help now. Try the VA or even Vet. Centers.

 

[digger]

PTSD or not, it is not okay for him to take his anger out on you. End of. His anger is his responsibility and if he recognises that he can't control it, which he does by saying to you he has anger issues, then he needs to deal with that and get appropriate help.

Admitting to someone that you have anger issues does not excuse you taking out your anger on them and neither does having PTSD.

 

[DMerish]

I feel its inappropriate to ask about something so horrific and personal so I only know what he brings up.

Each person is at liberty to give what ever amount of personal information about one's self that they choose to. Asking questions and getting answers, broadens our knowledge and understanding. I believe no questions are off limits. Therefore, there are no "personal" questions, only personal answers. That being said, hearing details about what your boyfriend has gone through may not be productive for you to hear - you may not know how to handle the information. Just something to consider, Chloe, and my $0.02.

I think if there was a good/bad scale for ptsd id say his was good. He either does a very good job of hiding it or a very good job of dealing with it. He's only had two episodes that I've seen in the past year.

Not to sound mean, but if you don't have PTSD or even if one does and they're not fully versed in all/most of it's symptoms, then one's understanding of how it affects someone and how it effects relationships is limited. Most people with PTSD (including myself) prefer not to talk about it, prefer to hide it, prefer to appear to doing a good job of dealing with it. You may be unaware of how deeply it's effecting him.

He doesn't have many friends. He informed me he doesn't have any outlets for his stress or anger except for me. So that's why he is taking it out on me. . .

Allowing him to use you as an outlet for his anger and sex as a means to relieve himself of tension will not help him heal and could have a very poor effect on your self-esteem. It seems the situation has already put you on a roller-coaster of confusion. From the behaviors you described, I agree with Solara about your boyfriend being in an unstable place. Mental/emotional instability + firearms is not a safe mix. Please, trust me on this. If you don't, you could end up with a bad case of PTSD yourself (something that happened to my daughter, which I would not ever wish for anyone else, i.e. you).

Please look after your own needs first - your safety, your interests, your social connections with others who are in a healthier place than your boyfriend. Doing so will help you make choices that can bring about a life that is happy and fulfilling for you and independent of other people's problems. You can't fix his PTSD.

I hope that my message conveys the fact that PTSD can affect sufferers and the people around them in many unfavorable ways, and if it's not understood, if people don't look after themselves, unmanaged/unaddressed PTSD in one person can precipitate an event that can cause PTSD in other people - I'm sorry if my missive comes across harsh.

(((hugs)))
Drew