I Feel Like A Part Of Me Died That Day.

[NovemberStar]

It's my birthday in a few days. It is severely triggering me. My birthday is so symbolic in so many ways: its the day my mother gave me life. Its the day my life began. So many times, it is also a day I wish never happened, or that I had died then, as a baby, before the misery began.

This lapse of PTSD was triggered by flashbacks of one particular incident. So far, the memories are not of the incident itself; just my terror, hopelessness, suicidality and overwhelming sense of 'there is no hope' and realizing NO ONE is coming to SAVE ME.

Last night I cried for hours, pacing the hallway. I was in so much pain, and I realized, I can't 'get away' from what happened in that room that day - because a part of me is STILL THERE. I'm trapped emotionally and mentally in that damn room. I again feel the same sense of futility, and no sense of being ever able to get out.

It does feel like a part of me died that day.

I'm feeling very suicidal, with fantasy of taking my life on my birthday - what better symbol, huh? For reasons I dont quite know, it is a very very very strong pull. I just don't feel i will EVER get OUT of that room.

Not unless someone can come back in time and save me. Knowing that is not possible, fuels the suicidal fantasy.

I also feel so alone - I have "support" from psych services but it is such a joke - many tears I had last night were to do with that I could actually spend the entire week saying to anyone involved in my care that I want to take my life on my birthday, and no one will want to try and help me. I know if i can make it past Friday, the risk will reduce. And that is what makes me so sad - because I know, part of me doesn't want to die - I have such a strong survivor in me, who has got through all of this so far and is still fighting.

But when I reach out for help to fight; there is no one there. I have expressed my suicidality so many times in the last 3 months, and no one takes it at all seriously. They let me talk, and send me on my way. I am meant to see my psychiatrist this Friday - I really do not want to see her - I CANNOT afford emotionally to see her, tall her what I'm feeling and then she takes no action to help me save myself. Tat would be the FINAL STRAW. If I have ANY chance of not dying in a few days, I am best to stay away from the psych services altogether.

I see a therapist each Monday, I see her today. I will probably cry and probably tell her my thoughts and feelings. And once again - she won't help me by being proactive in helping keep me safe.

I see a psychologist on Friday morning. I have just seen her a few times and she is the only person I've ever met that GETS ME. How much I ache to be able to be in her office for more than just the one hour per week. One hour a week where I feel SO SAFE.

My head tells me to go see her, then come home and take my life. To spend my last hours in the world having just seen her and leave her office feeling SO SAFE, is a feeling I want to take with me for the next part.

I guess I'm posting for support, advice - something. I'm not sure I can say what is happening to me with my carers, because can anyone understand, that to reach out ONE MORE TIME and AGAIN (!!!!!!) not be heard, would be the final straw.

;(

I just need to get through this week.

 

[Candleflames]

Your post here caught my eye because you expressed how I feel about my own birthday. It's a horrible thing I go through every year.
You are not alone with you feelings.

Please don't wait till friday to tell you psychologist your thoughts. Leave her a message so at least she can be ready to support you in this. Sometimes it's hard to react on the spot, even for the people trained to do this.

 

[WillyKat]

I've been where you are emotionally so many times.

It was just in the last few months that I've had to face the fact that no one will save me, no matter how much the little boy inside me needs it, there's no time machine to go back and protect him; he won't get what he needs and wants. I've said this on the forum just in the past week or two: that's a very large and jagged pill to swallow. It's so damn hard, unfair, wrong.

If you need to talk to someone, then call your psychologist or a hotline. Don't wait.

I take it seriously. I take you seriously; you're not alone.

I want you to sit down and breathe deep. Know this in your heart that there are millions of us, some maybe just down the hall or street from where you are right now, that have been where you are and maybe are there now.

We were programmed. Do you understand what I'm saying. We were programmed by the people that hurt us to feel the way you do, to feel isolated, alone, terrified, and to feel like there's one way out.

But there isn't just one way out. We don't have to be alone. We can open up to each other, to our therapists, and to ourselves, and through that comraderie fight back and take back our lives!

Don't give up! Most important, never make a major decision when you're in that downward spiral.

Ping me privately if you need to.

 

[Abstract]

I realise this may not help at all and I don't want you to feel invalidated by my response but please, please do keep reminding yourself that these feelings of yours are about the past. It is possible to process trauma and processing it means that you won't have to stay in that emotional place in the future.

You therefore do not want to do anything that will deny you the opportunity to get to that place after.

I understand reaching out and not being heard and the impossible feelings that brings with it. I would still strongly encourage you to tell your T all and call a helpline. Remind yourself that you will get the help if they are able to give it you. There is not always the help available that there should be but there is always help there nevertheless.

Sadly us over here can only do so much.

 

[WillyKat]

Abstract is right. Call you T and unload everything you just told us. She or he is there just for that purpose; that's their job; they work *for* you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi NovemberStar, strange I should have the day I have had but I am hoping something that occurred in it might help.

I very much relate to how you describe you feel, and what you feel is the only option for relief. And I agree, I think parts do die. And they need to be grieved.

But just as that saying goes, an experience or instance can take 20 years off of one's life, other experiences or good people can put 20 years back.

I stopped without any plan to at a place which I recalled being in about 3 1/2 years ago, the day I had planned to finish myself off, or very shortly thereafter. Don't know why I had even gone, did not feel like it. My friend spoke there, can't recall what was said, most certainly I had revealed nothing. Do recall 2 women that were there, feeling very dissociated, feeling very contagiously-toxic. I DO remember crying at something I heard, but in silence and the tears just 'fell out'. I left and a little bird sat with me. I reached down and picked up a pebble, it was shaped like a bird.

I realize none of this makes sense, but it was enough to 'last' that day, and obviously the days that have followed.

I realized today in retrospect, my life at that time was overwhelming. Things were happening I didn't have the means or knowledge to even acknowledge when they were occurring (which was when I needed to have been able to acknowledge them). I was falling apart with ptsd, memories, stressors, everything. I didn't have sufficient (any?) coping skills for what was being dug up, I had no support at home, my home was a dangerous place, sometimes, I had no concept of how to ask for help, no feeling of being 'entitled' to ask for help, I feared the consequences of revealing it, I reviled myself, I felt like a terrible burden, I could not sleep. I don't even think I had any desire to try to live, and definitely no presene of a survival instinct of any sort.

You are much braver than I- you have sought out help. You are a survivor, as you said. You recognize the birthday, or more specifically the feelings, are a trigger. That's HUGE progress. Perhaps you can't put in to words yet what you need, beside relief from the pain. Perhaps (I do not know) there are terrible stressors in your life right now.

I agree with the others, and what WillyKat said is all New News to me, I had a hard time grasping what he is saying but he is right.

I can only gently suggest, if you are blessed with a good psychologist, that you feel safe, reach out to them,and try to be blatantly honest, or even bring what you've posted here. I really truly believe you will get the help you need. Do whatever you can to take it one minute at a time. There ARE ways to get through friday (and onward).

When thinking of such plans, try to also think that it might cause harm to this good psychologist, what if she doubts her capabilities because it ends in such a way? I think there can be ripple effects, awful ones. If she is helping you now, that is something good (or someone good) put in your path, and if she seems trustworthy and 'gets' it, she will help you through this and in the future. But you have to give her (and yourself) a chance to. Even if that doesn't seem like a possiblity, or possible for you, or that you are worthy of it. Like WillyKat said we can't really envision help because we haven't had it. There will be better days. :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

Sometimes we have to yell to get heard. We need to say, this is what I need, I need you to respond and do something because I will not be here tomorrow. Please do not just send me on my way. Please listen. Please hear me! It is unfortunate, but, sometimes, if you are too calm people don't hear you. Of course, there are times one screams and is still not heard. That is why you need to make sure they hear. Not just that you are suicidal but that you need them to do something about it to stop it from happening. That you are afraid. That your birthday is coming and you have a plan. Now do something. Not you, them. Hand them this.

And, I heard.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you everyone. I do feel heard here and while its nice and helps me to know you all get it, it sucks you 'know' cos of having been there too.

I didn't say much to my T. It was an odd session. My eating disorder is pretty bad right now - starving myself means the physical sensations distract me from the emotional pain, keeping me numb. Freaking typical that I can feel the pain any other part of the day BUT NOT in my session withy T.

I did tell her I've been having obsessive auicidal thoughts about taking my life on my birthday. She asked if I had the means to do it and I said of course - loads of ways at home. I felt incredibly awkward and just felt a huge sense of ... guilt? I changed the subject and it was the end of our session. I felt really awful becasue I could tell she was worried and it felt so wrong to say stuff. I couldn't say more becasue I didn't want to put her in a bad spot - I didn't want it to have to be up to her, you know? If something happens to me the police would be asking questions and I wouldn't want her to feel blame.

I cried and cried all the way home. I couldn't stop thinking about writing letters to everyone.

Then I binged and purged all evening. Felt better. Better than thinking or feeling about Friday.

It's so strange how I can feel so suicidal and obsessed and cry non stop; then be 'ok' a couple hours later - like feel pretty 'normal'.


I've decided if the feelings and thoughts come back I will try to reach out to my case worker at psych tomorrow.

I like the idea of yelling.

My psychologist ONLY works Fridays. I don't have a way of contacting her other than email and she won't get it til Friday.


But I will try reaching out to my case manager and say I NEED EXTRA SUPPORT THIS WEEK!!!! I need HELP getting through this week!!! If I contact her now rather than closer to Friday, ill feel less desperate. I swear to god if they ignore me this week and I do take my life ill make sure my note explains how f*cked up they are and how hard I TRIED but that they wouldn't listen.

 

[WillyKat]

One day at a time. Try not to think about the entire week coming up, just the next day. And post on the forum so that we know you're ok.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks willtcat. Feeling simulataneously ok and not so ok .. I will post updates because I don't want to cause worry - it does help being able to post how I'm REALLY feeling, without having to censor it.


I'm keeping busy with work. That helps. So does my eating disorder - I know in a perfect world I wouldn't use my body to say how I feel; or harm myself this way, but it is what is both destroying me physically and keeping me going. Its the glue that is holding me together right now.

I spoke to my case manger today. I cancelled Friday's appointments (I do actually have work and can't make it but I did also say I couldn't think of anything worse than seeing them!).

My GP had done a referral to the eating disorder's service - I phoned them today and THEY DECLINED my referral. I am so angry right now, it's not funny. The eating disorder service want me to stay with psych... psych can't deal with my eating disorder and they are pretty f*cking useless at helping me mentally either.

On the positive - I asked for AND GOT (!!!!!!) nightly phone calls from the after hours psych team this week. I actually GOT HEARD. That's a modern day miracle, trust me. I did say how hard this week is, that I am having periods of obsessive suicidal thoughts and feel destructive. That I do not want to come in and see them, but would like to have the phone calls. I was able to reiterate how UNHEARD and UNVALIDATED I feel EVERY time I go in and see someone there, and that I don't wish to put myself through that this week, of all weeks!!!!!

She asked how I might kill myself (they know I have a bottle of potassium tablets) - I was able to reassure her I don't plan to take those - I'd stab myself or hang myself if I really wanted to. I said I'd like to get through this week, and come next week I think I'd like to be discharged form their service altogether. I don't have any anniversaries for a while, so I'm hoping the intensity of the memories etc will ease to a more manageable level after this week.

Besides - if I am discharged from psych, it might better my chances of getting actual HELP for my eating disorder!!!!!

(Although I feel grim about that, because no one can 'eat' for me, it's still ME that has to put the food in my mouth - and I feel powerless to be able to do that right now).

 

[WillyKat]

Well, those nightly phone calls are a good step and that will work for this week. Longer term, I think you need to find a psychologist (not a psychiatrist) that handles eating disorders and PTSD, and that may take a couple of weeks.

So while you have those folks on the line, like tonight, ask for a referral.

The difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist is bigger than the words. Psychiatrists are trained in medicine; their training in 1x1 therapy isn't the focus. A psychologist can't prescribe medications and they are trained in 1x1 therapy; that's pretty much all they can do. I think that's the best path for you right now.

Next time you have a moment, go someplace and try to make every muscle relax. Start with your feet and slowly up to your head. Try to envision a bucket with all your hurt, pain, and stress in it. Now imagine there's a valve at the bottom. Open it up so that it starts dripping. It will be a slow process, but just let the damn thing drip all day. Every drop is a little more stress, pain, and hurt gone.

I think maybe you have the same tendency I have (many of us have) and that is we want to knock out what's bothering us with one swift blow. For me anyway, it doesn't work; I have to just let it drip.

You will get through this.

 

[NovemberStar]

Well, those nightly phone calls are a good step and that will work for this week. Longer term, I think you need to find a psychologist (not a psychiatrist) that handles eating disorders and PTSD, and that may take a couple of weeks.
.

I'm already seeing a psychologist - she's who I see every Friday. She is helping me SO much. It's just going to take time. And costs a lot of money ($170 per session). She is helping me through the PTSD, the first time EVER i've had someone trained in PTSD and who really knows what they are doing!!! The psychiatrist is through the public health system. I have only seen her twice since en of August. It takes a whole month to get an app, and I don't have an option to see anyone else unless I pay for that privately also - and I don't see the point of that when my psychologist is so helpful.

I've been seeing the psychologist since mid-September. We are making progress, but it will take some time. I'm keen to NOT deal with it all at once, trust me. It's too painful.

In terms of the eating disorder, I would like to be monitored more closely - currently that is not happening. My useless GP didn't even weigh me last appointment (after another month of weight loss). Last time I was so bad in my eating disorder I got to 38kgs and nearly died from low potassium. I had to spend a night in the cardiac ward all wired up to monitors that were watched twenty four seven while I had potassium drips to bring my levels out of danger zone. And that was with me being very pro-active and begging my GP for help - it took seven weeks to be seen by the eating disorder team and by then that was the state I was in. I don't actually want to die - something needs to change and I feel powerless to change things on my own right now. I don't WANT to get as bad as I was two years ago with my weight. I'm just trying to get some help before it gets that critical - but everything seems to be 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' stuff in the health system ;(.

I am going to email my psychologist my first post from this thread. I will also tell her the plan in terms of keeping safe this week. I am feeling more positive that I can make it through this week. I didn't really have suicidal feelings yesterday! ;). Lots of (some strong) self harm urges (cutting), but I didn't act on those.

I didn't sleep well last night - I don't know if my dreams were more memories coming up about that day and being in that room, or if they were just my dreams.