I Feel Like A Part Of Me Died That Day.

[NovemberStar]

I just sent her email - I feel so ... scared ... so EXPOSED.

Because I kept the part in there that I feel so safe in her office and part of my suicidal fantasy is to go see her, then come home and kill myself because I'd die having just had an HOUR of feeling SAFE.

I also told her I have put in place the phone calls and I do feel better about getting through the week. I really don't want her to 'over react' - it would freak me out.

I told her I can't eat, because if I eat, I won't be rescued from that bedroom, and as a part of me died in that room that day, I NEED to be rescued. I know I needed to tell her this - it's just scary having shared it and having to wait two days until I hear what she has to say about it.

And I'm paranoid she will take me so seriously that she might contact psych services and they will 'come get me' on Friday to keep me safe ... I really don't need that now, because I AM feeling safe - it's helped to EXPRESS the suicidal fantasies; I don't want to have to censor what I say for fear of an over-reaction ;(

 

[Britt.f7]

It's a big step, but you did it. Sometimes it is just good to get it out of our heads. I hope you get the saving you need without the rest.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you.

She emailed me back ... I got such a shock - I really didn't think she would get my email until friday as she only works one day a week .. the receptionist forwarded it onto her ... and she tried to phone me - I am so glad I missed the call - I honestly would have f*cking freaked out big time if I had answered and had her on the line.

She said it is good I reached out for support and have the nightly phone calls, and especially since I have had so many experiences of feeling unheard. She asked if I might consider respite care over the weekend for a few days. NO WAY. It has been offered, but as I said in my email back to her - I could not think of anything WORSE than being in a strange house, with a dozen other psychiatric patients, away form my dogs, my safety and comfort of home, and it not be a locked facility. I would feel so much more depressed and NO SAFER.

I missed the phone call from the after hours team. She left me a message saying she might phone me back tonight - or tomorrow. And of course, I instantly feel crap, because I don't feel I'm worthy.

I had two panic attacks today. I had to lie down and do nothing, I zone out, but feel 'safe' - even though I cannot talk or sometimes move. My arms go all tingly and I just have to stop and lie down.

My mood is down a bit tonight, mainly feeling bad and feeling like I am a drama queen. I feel STUPID for daring to think my eating disorder was something that warranted concern and help and support - none of the health professionals are interested and I have no help or support for it now. I feel so defeated and hopeless, and UNWORTHY ;( I also emailed my therapist - not the psychologist, and I haven't had a response back.

Feel: UNWORTHY ;(

And that hurts ;(

 

[digger]

What do you feel it would take specifically for you to feel heard and supported. It seems they are starting to respond at least with the nightly calls and the offer of respite, but I get the feeling from your posts that this is not what you want, or feel you need.

I'm wondering if you know what you want or need (I don't a lot of the time) but are feeling that 'something' is being unmet. I wonder if it would help to try and make a 'simple' list of the needs you have. By simple, I'm not trying to minimise any of this, I just mean try to do it without thinking about the various people involved in your care and how specific people might or might not meet those needs and without thinking about how those needs are or are not being met at present. Just like a bullet points thing.

I understand what you are saying about the eating disorder, and I think that needs addressing, but I'm guessing that they're maybe prioritising other concerns with you?

My useless GP didn't even weigh me last appointment (after another month of weight loss)

Can you change your GP?

I said I'd like to get through this week, and come next week I think I'd like to be discharged form their service altogether.

Do you think given how up and down you are at the moment that would be wise. What is it you feel you need from this particular service that the are not giving you?

Apologies if I'm missing the point completely. I just know that sometimes I need to be bullet point clear with myself to work out what need.

 

[Britt.f7]

You are worth the attention you are getting. This is not being a drama queen. Now, to accept this attention, that is the difficult part. To realize you are worth saving.

Just because other people, specialists, do not believe your ED is important does not mean it is not. It just may not be as important as other things you are experiencing. They have to choose their focus.

Do what you need to heal. I'm glad you are opening up, as alien as it might feel, it is progress.

 

[NovemberStar]

Digger: I'm happy for the phone calls - it was my request that I have them.

What would I like? To be taken seriously when I phone or say I am suicidal. I was traumatised by their lack of response in July. My PTSD had come back, I saw my GP 3 times for more and more urgent referrals to psych services. The earliest app despite feeling actively suicidal was a whole month. Out of desperation I phoned the emergency service, I answered their questions - I did have a plan and did not feel safe. It took FIVE HOURS of phone calls back and forth before I was ALLOWED to go in and see someone in person. Once there, I told them how unsafe I felt. They said they cannot do anything, gave me their card, said I had to wait for my app in 3 weeks time. They said 'phone us if you feel unsafe' - I told them 'but I don't feel safe now!'. They didnt listen.

I asked for follow up - phone call? Visit the next da? But they said no. I had to wait 3 weeks til I was seen again.

My eating disorder is probably my bigger issue right now. The psych services can't do much for helping me with PTSD either - it takes a month to get an urgent app with the Dr there. It's just a meds review.

You're right - I am so all over the place right now. Being discharged wont change much. I may as well be on their books. See them once a month. They will discharge me back to GP care soon anyway!!

I can only have the option of phone calls at night if I'm with their service. And it is helpful. I missed getting to the phone last night and missed the call. She didnt phone back.

I'm glad I have this place - I feel heard here.

I feel sad - which is better than depressed. I guess I just need to grieve.

Thanks Britt.

 

[digger]

Hope you start getting more of what you need from them. Your GP doesn't sound very helpful. Is changing an option?

 

[NovemberStar]

The psych team just phoned me - they can't phone me, I need to be able to phone them. They all had a team meeting about caseloads and came up with the new plan for me over the weekend - and that was it. They are too busy to make as many phone calls as they do.

Considering how upset I am, I think I handled it well. I expressed my big proble is I AM ALMOST NEVER ABLE TO PHINE AND REACH OUT WHEN IN A CRISIS. Doing so leaves me TOO VULNERABLE.

That was the WHOLE POINT of me asking if I could please be phoned just for the next few nights as its a high risk time for me.

I also expressed how I struggle with my treatment plan being made without ANY input from myself. I am a health professional myself and are is ALWAYS planned WITH the client.

I hate feeling like this. I HATE feeling so upset over things like this - I struggle so much with having my needs met and feeling like they are met.

I hate FEELING like I'm always being let down - whether or not its reasonable or I am being unreasonable, it's just as painful.

The message I took from the phone call: they are too busy for me. They have too many people who are 'sub acute' (her words) and that obviously does bot include me.They do not consider me to be at risk over the next few days.

And even though I have expressed my concerns about my ability to reach out when very suicidal, it is just too bad.

Geez - even if I was able to reach out when in crisis, how could I (or anyone) after bein told they are too busy with other people who THEY have assessed as having greater needs than me.

I haven't seen anyone in their service face to face for nearly three weeks and haven't seen or spoken to the psych dr in over a month so how the f*ck do really they know???

 

[Psalm_23]

I just read all your thoughts and your right our system of helping people is lacking. When I feel like giving up I think of just one person out there who is also feeling alone and lost and the hope the possibility that I can help them and they can help me.That we will meet. To think on something good that has happened, I know for us its hard to see the positive But if you really try to think about something good get your mind off of nobody will help you. I find that I can get through that moment.If you practice it over and over it does get easier. There are a lot of people who really do care While your waiting tell your self you are worth living You can tell yourself kind things and believe it. Because you know your self better than any one. When you feel all alone remember your not alone. You have you Please say kind things to yourself. You deserve it.