Poll Empathy/compassion - How Much Do You Have & Why?

[digger]

I wonder if you are in the numb stage right now, and that's why you feel like you don't know?

I think that probably has a lot to do with it yes.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people. Learning to manage my spoons has been a struggle. ([DLMURL="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/"]The Spoon Theory[/DLMURL].) [DLMURL]http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/[/DLMURL] (Don't know if the url will go through. If you google "The Spoon Theory" you can find an explanation.)

Having too much empathy has been a serious issue for me. During my younger years I gravitated towards predators. I cared too much about the ways in which they have been hurt and their pain and I paid too little attention to how much pain they caused. It was really destructive to care more about them hurting than me.

I don't pretend I have more or less but I decide what to do with what I have. I acknowledge people verbally frequently and easily. "I can see that you are having really big feelings. From here it looks like ______ but I can't read your mind. I'm sorry things are hard." That sort of thing.

At this stage of my life I can meet a person and say, "Ah. You were molested as a child by a relative" or "Ah. You were raped as an adult by a friend after a stable and healthy childhood." And a bunch of other little small specifications of trauma. I can read it from several feet away. I'm rarely wrong. I freak people out. (I'm not as awesome on the internet...)

I am not interested in giving up my empathy. It's a super power. When I was fifteen I dated this extremely intense twenty-one year old who told me I was a Dragon and my special power was empathy. He told me to be careful or I would rip people apart with it. That set of interactions has shaped the last half of my life.

I am far more empathetic than normal. I like it. I like that I can see hurt and find words to acknowledge it. I can't "fix it" but often being acknowledged is all I need.

 

[bell]

I am way too much empathy, too! It has served me badly in the past, but now that I know how to control my PTSD symptoms better, it has become my superpower. Not to brag, because I am continually humbled by it, but I tend to be able to connect with others where other people can't, both humans and animals, and I bet a lot of us feel the same.

I think that sometimes when you've gone through enough crap, sadness, bullshit, grief, self-hatred, and hell, you can connect on a level that others simply cannot, because they haven't been there.

To be honest, my sense of empathy and compassion are a great part of what keep me alive. They remind me that I am not alone in my struggles (because we all have struggles of some sort) and that there is more goodness in the world than bad.

 

[DMerish]

Very interesting thread, Abstract -

I voted "too much" and "I hide it" - I probably should have checked off "Little-it takes effort" too.

Growing up with a mother with serious TBI, a lot of energy and focus needed to be directed to her care by every family member. As I matured, my energies also extended to others in the form of volunteer services beginning at age 10 with raising funds for the March of Dimes. Doing volunteer work was also something encouraged by extended family members, but I went way overboard to the extent of putting my needs on a back burner allowing it to interfere with my education, etc.

I pick up the emotions others easily. Maybe that's why other people seem to feel at liberty to open up and tell me of their difficulties/hardships. I often hear "I've never told anyone else before" and "You're so understanding." I'm typically non-judgmental, I hide a lot of what's going on inside me at the time, oftentimes realize I'm taking on the emotions of others while we're talking and hide it then. Afterwards, I'll sob with immense sadness or become very angry at the misfortune that befell the person for days. When I hear of news, like the typhoon that recently occurred in the Philippines - the number of deaths and destruction of families - it affects me deeply. I've got this weird sense about myself that I was fated to take on the suffering of the world and I should do something about it. I hide that a lot: my friends/family call me "The Rock" - but it's very untrue. I'm often hard on myself.

I began learning how separate myself from the sense of feeling I'm somehow responsible for the suffering in the world and I'm supposed to do something about it a few years back and put my own needs first a few years ago. It's a process - in doing so I'll sometimes get confused, make myself feel numb. Thus, feeling empathy and compassion takes effort at times.

I'm only involved with one volunteer activity now - yoga instruction with incarcerated women. And, I'm hoping that as I become more attuned to putting my own needs first and having compassionate towards myself that I'll find more equilibrium.

Drew

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I don't know how to vote. Because for me I do have compassion and empathy for others. But the catch is I also have little patience. So while I can be supportive to others and I do that often and maybe too much I also have a limit that seems to pop up. And once it does I get a little impatient.

And when that happens I start to get a little frustrated. Sometimes I don't know how else to respond and then I start to isolate from a specific person that I've been empathetic with. But it seems to depend who it is and what the situation is. And having empathy and compassion for myself is something I'm learning. It's much easier for me to become angry with myself than it is to me to be empathetic or compassionate with myself.

 

[Hashi]

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if anything is doubling up.

Is compassion always included in empathy? I think of them as two separate things. That empathy is feeling someone else's feelings, and compassion is kindness and caring.

I think I have a lot of empathy for my mother. I get that she has been traumatised, has low self-esteem, poor education, is frightened, hurt and bewildered... I can feel her feelings in that regard, painfully so. I don't think I have compassion for those feelings. If I do, it's very blocked. But the empathy isn't.

It's like when I feel any of my own feelings, it doesn't mean I have compassion for myself or those feelings. So, not sure how to answer. I'm not sure they go directly hand in hand.

I'd say I have far too much empathy and far too little compassion.

 

[DMerish]

I think of compassion as two different things.

For me, empathy is about understanding another person's feelings, i.e. putting myself in their shoes (emotionally) gives me an understanding of what the other feels/felt or is going through. Empathy helps me/others relate to each other.

I think empathy is a component of compassion. With compassion, empathtic feelings are deeper and promt me not only to empathize but also to act in a spontaneous, genuine and realistic way, with the deire to do something to help alleviate the person's suffering without personal benefit to myself.

 

[Barconian]

When my anxiety levels are too high, I have trouble having empathy or compassion. When my anxiety is down, I find they both come with ease. When my own mind is full of unwanted thoughts, it is extremely hard to empathize with someone else or even be compassionate. It is hard to listen to another or even feel for them when ones mind is full it's own negativities or worries, simply because there is no room left in my thought processing.

 

[Britt.f7]

Okay, if empathy is feeling what another person feels, I can say I do that. It may not be exact but it is close and I find it confusing at times. Especially if the person denies it when clearly, I've picked something up. Of course, not internalizing it is difficult. If I see a child or animal abused, then I really feel it and it can cause me to go into a panic on the inside. Especially if I can do nothing to help or feel that I can't. I actually feel pain. On the good side of that, I can feel good feelings too and those are wonderful.

I have been known to ask someone if they are mad at me if I am feeling a negative feeling from them. Usually they are not, but just in case, I have to ask. Otherwise it goes around and around in my head.

I try to hide it, but I think people can see it in my face. At least I've been told that. My face doesn't hide much.

 

[Abstract]

Interesting answers. I am fine with anything anyone wants to discuss. It's just a free-for-all on empathy and sympathy.

There is a big difference between empathy, sympathy and compassion.

Yes, there are important differences. I didn't differentiate as it would make the poll a total mess. More than it will inevitably be anyway. I included compassion with empathy as I think it can be near impossible to actually feel empathy when emotionally numb but still a possibility to do compassion. For me anyway - when numb I am dead.

Not with my self.

That Zaniara is the topic for a whole different and very depressing thread!

That empathy is feeling someone else's feelings, and compassion is kindness and caring.

Yes, agreed Hashi. Empathy is not an action although it very often leads to action and is almost always something that stops us being unkind to others. It usually instigates the person to stop the feelings they are feeling by acting in a compassionate way. I am not sure but I think not having compassion despite empathy is possibly a way of rejecting empathy. Just speaking the concepts through to myself here. Although I do think there something called empathic concern it is only one possible part of empathy.

Having too much empathy has been a serious issue for me. During my younger years I gravitated towards predators. I cared too much about the ways in which they have been hurt and their pain and I paid too little attention to how much pain they caused.

Snap.

Although I am afraid I have never treasured my capacity for empathy and compassion. I resented it on one level as I figured it gave people a means of hurting me as well as it making me vulnerable to those with no care. I seem to have spent my life trying to kill off this part of me in some ways even though I appreciate it in others. I have been thinking recently that should spend some time celebrating it. Not sure how though.

tend to be quite good on picking up on how others are feeling as adults (is that empathy?I

Yes! If you want to get right down to the detail there are two groups of empathy. Theory of mind which a lot of sociopaths have, and others of course!, where you can easily figure out how someone may feel in certain situation without feeling the emotions (also fits with cognitive empathy I believe) - putting yourself in their shoes, and the type of empathy where we experience the other persons emotions. If you see someone crying and find yourself feeling sad then that is an example of the latter. Both are ways in which we can read other people. Compassion is caring about others and kindness. It's more complex than that but that will do...

The other important issue which I discovered I did and do is thinking it is empathy and that I am feeling the persons feelings when it is actually projection. Either how I would feel in that situation or it seems a developed means of keeping me from rejecting the reality of who the other person really is. I was often accrediting them with way more feelings or different feelings than they had. I even almost felt the pain of inanimate objects! Possible? :wacky:

 

[Hashi]

Empathy is not an action although it very often leads to action and is almost always something that stops us being unkind to others. It usually instigates the person to stop the feelings they are feeling by acting in a compassionate way

Ah. I wasn't actually meaning that compassion was an action and empathy wasn't. I should have said compassion was feelings of kindness and caring. Or viewing things with kindness and caring. But thinking about it, I suppose empathy just is, and compassion is a response. So maybe that's why I make a distinction between them?

This thread got me thinking about my previous boss, who was abusive in similar ways to my mother (classic re-enactment, I know). I completely understood why. It was like I had laser-like access to his fears, hurts, frustrations and insecurities. I only cared and responded in as much as it affected the way he treated me. Basically, even when I was still trying for positive resolution I was using the understanding in a manipulative way. I felt how much he craved respect so I acted in a respectful way (acted being the operative word), I felt how much he needed reassurance so I reassured him (again, not meaning it). I did feel his feelings, it wasn't just knowing them, but it didn't bring out compassion in me.

I think it can be near impossible to actually feel empathy when emotionally numb

I think I've done this. I do block empathy a lot but there are situations where I can't. With my mother, I think I was often both empathetic (to her feelings) and emotionally numb (to my own). It's one reason why I have such a huge amount of guilt even though I don't exactly blame myself.

Also, if you experience empathy and feel emotions, those emotions aren't necessarily compassionate ones. My response to empathy seems to be irritation, anger, frustration and judgement of the person. Just like towards myself in response to my own feelings.

I expect there is/was a lot of blocking of compassion going on, but if there's a situation where I can block one thing (compassion) and not the other (empathy) - surely that means there's some difference between them?

I don't mean to take over the thread harping on about this distinction. It's because it's interesting to me to think it through here. Very interesting thread.

 

[Abstract]

I wasn't actually meaning that compassion was an action and empathy wasn't.

I realised that and neither was I actually :)

surely that means there's some difference between them?

Sorry if I was not clear Hashi. Yes, there are differences between empathy and compassion.

Yes, there are important differences.

Doesn't that often happen in relationship abuse?

Yes, absolutely.

feel emotions, those emotions aren't necessarily compassionate ones.

The emotions one feels with empathy are the same as the person is feeling. I think any other emotions after that are about our interpretation or response to feeling those feelings.

For example my sister cares about my mother and I in a more involved way than most other people. If either of us are unwell or in trouble she picks up on it easily but her response is intense anger which she usually acts out. She acknowledges this. An example was when my mother had a heart complaint. Her "joke" at the time was that it made her want to push her down the stairs - always said very intensely and angrily but with a smile. It made her very angry that my mother "caused" her to feel worried. She resented feeling that worry as it was uncomfortable to her so she took that anger out on the person she cared about. The anger is not coming from empathy but rather from her discomfort with caring for someone else and her phobic feelings about uncomfortable emotions.

If she figured out what my mother was feeling cognitively but immediately experienced anger then she would be experiencing cognitive empathy but without effective empathy.

Regardless this is not empathic concern which I believe is mostly seen as a combination of tenderness and sympathy and is seen as something that initiates a caring approach towards others in need and to create behaviour that is socially positive. If effective empathic feeling was stronger that her resentment then my sister would be left with the feelings she instigated when acting out aggressively in response to the original empathy. Her anger would create discomfort in her rather than some level of gratification. That's why strong effective empathy normally results in people acting in compassion or empathic concern.

But that is getting caught up in the detail of definitions.

I did feel his feelings, it wasn't just knowing them, but it didn't bring out compassion in me.

Something is in the back of my mind with this but I will come back to it as it isn't clear.

My main aim at including sympathy and empathy was so that it wouldn't exclude people too easily and wouldn't distract too much from the main aim although I knew it would get messy as it isn't a straight forward subject. It was really about whether we feel for others in general and how that has affected our lives as well as how we have reacted to those feelings.