How Much Do I Have To Process To Heal?

[Suzetig]

I am still that scared shy abused girl just older. I'm still so frightened of opening those memories. Can I handle it?

This so rings true for me. On the face of it I'm a competent, professional woman, intelligent, confident and able to make and keep good relationships. Not too far under the surface I'm every bit the scared, beaten, abused child - which is where I go to if I think I've made a mistake or not lived up to expectations or if I'm in conflict with someone. I've done a great job of keeping that girl out of public view but she's there and she has way too much hold on me.

Yes opening up those memories is so very painful, if im honest, so is the thought of letting that beaten, abused girl grow up. My therapist is taking things very, very slowly and its hard but I can already see tiny glimpses of the person I might be at the end of it and I think I'll be ok.

I know that feeling of wanting to run from something so sore, thats normal and does feel different from the instinct that says you're not ready or your therapist isnt a fit for you. Do think about whether your therapist is the right person for you to do this work with - finding the right person does make all the difference in the world. It's still hard but the relationship is able to "hold" you while it hurts.

 

[digger]

I know you said earlier that the CSA was not in your mind a lot, and I don't know what your most recent trauma was, whether it was something completely different to the abuse, or similar, but I'm wondering if you believe that all the symptoms your suffering with now...

Never thought about it. Lets see... I have complex PTSD with DID - depersonalization disorder plus Acute stress disorder. Moderate to severe I would say. My major symptoms, flashbacks, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response and nightmares have eased a lot. Stress and suicidal thoughts have increased.
.

...are these all due solely to your most recent trauma?

But alas that pesky child abuse sneaks into the conversation a lot.

It sounds like it's not so far out of mind maybe after all.

I went into therapy thinking that I just needed to deal with the most recent shit that had happened. That that was the thing that was affecting me. I've realised that actually that was 'just' the thing that blew the lid off everything else and that just dealing with that isn't, unfortunately, going to mean the lid will go back on...I can't even find the bloody lid! I suspect it was blown to pieces!

If you honestly think the lid is still on the CSA stuff for you, then fair enough, but it doesn't sound from your posts that it is?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks JEK... How have you been doing? So you haven't worked on your repressed memories yet? What kind of therapy are you in?

I am still working on my repressed memories. I know a bit more now, but not the whole story. I still haven't accepted that it's actually me that my parts are talking about so that's a bit of an issue. The last couple of sessions we took a break from working on the repressed memories (meaning I got to stay just me for most of the time) to work on the here and now. I don't actually know what kind of therapy I am in. I think I shall ask my therapist that question. I am sure we've talked about it but that would have been a year ago and I don't remember much about those early appointments.