Sufferer How to not have a victim mentality

[thetattoolady]

Hi MyPTSD, I have aspergers and CPTSD and I stumbled across this site while searching for information on changing names to distance oneself from past trauma. But after reading through posts/threads, I now feel this forum may hold the answer to a deep burning question I've had for many years. Please bare with me as I provide background/context...

I was adopted at 18 months, into a family where I was abused and neglected. I have experienced a life filled with repeated/continuous trauma that includes:

- molestation from around age 4 to 6 (by an 18 yr old family friend and later his older brother as well)
- father used to call me a monkey and tell me this creepy monkey toy with chimes was my cousin. The monkey would clap his chimes and make this loud screeching noise while showing his red gums and teeth. My father would laugh and dance while I would be screaming bloody hell for him to stop (I was a toddler, and terrified). *Google 'monkey toy horror movie' and you will see the monkey, it was from Japan.
- accidentally caught our house on fire (left unattended and playing with matches, we had to move out temporarily and one of our dogs died as a result)
- isolation (restricted to my bedroom for up to 8 months at a time, only allowed to come out for meals and bathroom).
- mother was extremely mean and neglectful, called me stupid and sorry all the time, shut down anything that seemed to bring me joy, left my brothers to comb my hair, etc. (when I was 18, she actually called to have my car towed WHILE I WAS IN IT, because she put me out and the neighbor asked her why I was sleeping in my car)
- witness to gang rape at 13
- jumped (beat up) by three of my 'friends' at 14 - they cut off all my clothes, beat me to the ground, cracked my ribs, and cut off all my hair and left me in the alley naked.
- raped at 15 (and had a child as a result)
- several short stays in juvenile hall because my parents would kick me out and then call the police and say I ran away
- kidnap (held for 2 and a half days)
- multiple home burglaries
- being shot at
- witness to murder
- involvement in fatal car accident and blamed/bashed by the community for it (even though the guy hit ME)
- chronic homelessness (even as a six-figure earner)

Despite all of this, I did somehow manage to build a career? Luckily, I ended up 'consulting' because I couldn't hold any job for much longer than 4-6 months. Up until I finally had a nervous breakdown and was put on disability, I had never lived in the same place for longer than a year for my entire adult life. Neither of my kids (both adults now) ever attended the same school two years in a row. EVER.

I have [formally diagnosed] aspergers and CPTSD. Over the years, I have tried to find/get help, but no one ever actually believed that I needed it? They would literally laugh when I would try to describe the things I struggled with (which I now know was mostly executive dysfunction). They always thought 'money' was the problem, not realizing that being in financial distress was only the result of me not getting the kind of help I really needed. And when I try to really be open about it...like HEY...I REALLY NEED HELP!, it is frowned upon. I am pitiful. Needy. Pretending to be helpless.

Both of my adopted parents are dead now. And the last time I spoke with my biological father (2021), he said that "I am a miserable soul and I just want everyone else to be miserable too." At which point he asked me to please never contact him again. The last time I spoke with my biological MOTHER (2010), she told me that "I am a problem, and I have been a problem since the moment I was conceived. And I haven't realized it yet, but I am a problem for everyone that I come into contact with."

But underneath allll of that... I feel my deepest issue is the fact that nothing that ever happened to me seemed to matter. When I told my mother what was happening to me (molestation), she thought I was lying. She didn't do anything or even confront anyone (as far as I know), and so it continued - and got worse. I was unprotected, uncared for. No one was ever held accountable for ANYTHING of the wrongs that were done to me. And I was actually told that everything that ever happened to me was my own fault? And later hat everything that my children went through was also my fault (and I of course DO take responsibility for that). But EVERYTHING can't be my fault. right?? No one was ever made to take responsibility for what happened to ME as a child.

Basically, what I was taught was:

- what happens to me doesn't matter
- it's okay for people to violate me, but I WILL be punished to the fullest extent if anyone even falsely claims that I have violated them.
- it is wrong for me to stand up for myself (how dare I)
- anything that is wrong, is my fault
- my accomplishments don't mean anything and in fact will be denied. For example, I graduated from HS a year early (in a girls home) and it was recorded. But if you asked my mother, she will tell you I did not graduate HS. In fact, she has said that to ME !
- everyone else and everyone else's rights come before mine
- the rules/laws only matter if I am the one breaking them
- self advocacy does not work for me (because it's me and no one ever 'has my back')

And I want to know....

- Why do people think that what I endured as a child doesn't matter and that I need to 'just get over it'?
- Why is it bad for me to openly express to my family that I need help?

And last but not least...

How do I stop having this 'victim mentality' that my adopted and biological families both seem to think that I have? I mean...I DO feel like a victim. I WAS a victim. I guess I do not understand at what point does a child who is a victim stop being a victim. At what point does a parent turn around and say 'it's not my responsibility to help them'? How do I deal with being told I am a liar? And that I brought all this on my self? And that I am 'choosing' to struggle?? And how do I deal with my kids now viewing me as the sole source of their misery too?

Sometimes I wonder why I am here. I seem to have been nothing but a problem for everyone in my life. Yet, if I were in a deadly plane crash, I would be the one person to survive.

Sorry, for the long post, I didn't mean to go that deep. But once I got to typing...

PS - I am 48 yrs old now, and still struggling with this. I have been in therapy for years (various providers). Now nearing the end of second round of ketamine treatments. But it just seems that what I really suffer from is lack of love. And there is no medicine or therapy that can substitute that. People that think you don't need anyone to accept you or love you (like a mother/father), I believe are people who were in fact loved by someone...at some point (someone believed in them - someone cared - and that's why they are able to fulfill that need for themselves as adults). *I have been that person for many others.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello,

I want to extend a warm welcome to you here at MyPTSD. Thank you for sharing your incredibly brave and honest story with us. It's clear that you have faced a tremendous amount of trauma, and it's completely understandable that you are struggling with the effects of it. You are not alone in feeling this way, and I'm glad you found your way here.

It's heartbreaking to hear about the lack of support and care you received from those who were supposed to protect you. The experiences you detailed are truly staggering, and it's completely normal to feel like a victim given the magnitude of what you have endured.

The feeling of not being believed, understood, or supported can be incredibly isolating and damaging. It's important to know that the trauma you have been through matters, and it's okay to seek help and support. It's not something you should just "get over." You deserve care, compassion, and understanding.

Dealing with the victim mentality that others may project onto you can be incredibly challenging, especially when it comes from family members. It's not your fault for feeling like a victim after what you have experienced. Your feelings are valid, and healing from trauma is a process that takes time and support.

I'm so sorry to hear about the lack of love and support you feel you have received. Love and support are fundamental human needs, and it's okay to seek those from others. It's not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of strength to recognize and ask for what you need.

I would encourage you to continue with therapy and any other treatments that are helping you, and to also consider reaching out to others who have gone through similar experiences. Connecting with a supportive community can make a big difference in feeling understood and less alone.

Here at MyPTSD, you will find a safe space to share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings with others who can relate to what you're going through. There are specific forums dedicated to topics related to PTSD and CPTSD that you may find helpful in navigating your healing journey.

Remember, you are not defined by your past or by how others perceive you. Your experiences have shaped you, but they do not define your worth or your future. Keep reaching out for help and support, and know that there are people who care and want to help you heal. You are valued and deserving of love and healing.

Take care, and please feel free to continue sharing here whenever you feel ready.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - glad you found us:)

- Why do people think that what I endured as a child doesn't matter and that I need to 'just get over it'?
- Why is it bad for me to openly express to my family that I need help?

With respect to the first question, my first guess would be that you just haven’t been talking to people who know how to be compassionate to a person who had a traumatic childhood. Responding helpfully when someone discloses complex trauma can be a bit of an art. Responding compassionately even more so.

For me? I’m very fussy about who I share my story with, because it’s important to me how I get treated in response.

With the second question, I wonder if it might be more productive to ask “is it helpful to openly express to my family that I need help?”

Your family has demonstrated, comprehensively, that they aren’t able to be compassionate or helpful. So, it’s not bad to ask them for help. But it’s a bit like asking a waiter to do brain surgery - they don’t have the skills for it.

There was a lot of grief that I had to process when I realised that my own family couldn’t help me. Particularly my parents. In my mind, they should have been able to help me.

But…my family are shits. My parents in particular. And over the years, I’ve learned that it can be much more productive and empowering to ask help from people who can help, rather than people who simply should help.

How do I stop having this 'victim mentality' that my adopted and biological families both seem to think that I have?

This is worth a whole separate thread.

IME, there’s 2 completely different angles to come at this question.

The first is your own perspective. Do you feel like a victim? Does that cause you distress?

If you don’t feel like a victim, and it’s not causing you distress, there’s nothing to resolve. If you do feel like a victim and that is distressing you, then moving forward with the healing process, investing time and energy into your own recovery, may help shift that feeling like a victim into feeling more like a survivor.

The second angle, and possibly the one you’re referring to, is other people seeing you as having a ‘victim mentality’. In that case? *shrug* Fk ‘em. The ones who matter don’t mind, and the ones who mind don’t matter.

Again, welcome to the forum:)

 

[thetattoolady]

With respect to the first question, my first guess would be that you just haven’t been talking to people who know how to be compassionate to a person who had a traumatic childhood. Responding helpfully when someone discloses complex trauma can be a bit of an art. Responding compassionately even more so.

For me? I’m very fussy about who I share my story with, because it’s important to me how I get treated in response.

Thank so much for the reply. I've never thought about skills required to reply helpfully and compassionately, I guess you don't have to when you know what it's like to have people respond in the most hurtful ways.

With the second question, I wonder if it might be more productive to ask “is it helpful to openly express to my family that I need help?”

Your family has demonstrated, comprehensively, that they aren’t able to be compassionate or helpful. So, it’s not bad to ask them for help. But it’s a bit like asking a waiter to do brain surgery - they don’t have the skills for it.

I already know it's not helpful, but there is no one else to ask. And I think it's human nature to try to get help for yourself (when your life depends on it). I think I just wonder why everyone in my life frowns upon it. Even outside of my own family, it's like...people look down on those who openly express a need for help and then go above and beyond to help those to pretend they don't need help and say everything is fine. It's like the more you say you don't need anything, the more people want to help. Unfortunately, constantly being accused of 'manipulating' people as a child has made me despise doing anything that doesn't feel natural to get a particular response from someone (like pretending to be okay so that people will help me). *I guess what I was really wanting to know is 'Why do they (my family) think it's bad for me to ask them for help?"

But…my family are shits. My parents in particular. And over the years, I’ve learned that it can be much more productive and empowering to ask help from people who can help, rather than people who simply should help.

I guess I haven't come across the right people to ask yet. Because of all the doctors, therapists, case workers, friends, etc...no one really has seemed to 'get it'. Well...some doctors have, but they can't give me love and support at home. I haven't seen any evidence that 'others' can fill that void (lack of love/support from family). I may be able to eventually find the support 'services' I need to help me operate/function/maintain day-to-day life stuff, but there will always be that void. And more importantly, I actually feel like having that love and support from family would have a way bigger impact on my recovery/healing than any amount of counseling or occupational therapy could ever have.

IME, there’s 2 completely different angles to come at this question.

The first is your own perspective. Do you feel like a victim? Does that cause you distress?

If you don’t feel like a victim, and it’s not causing you distress, there’s nothing to resolve. If you do feel like a victim and that is distressing you, then moving forward with the healing process, investing time and energy into your own recovery, may help shift that feeling like a victim into feeling more like a survivor.

The second angle, and possibly the one you’re referring to, is other people seeing you as having a ‘victim mentality’. In that case? *shrug* Fk ‘em. The ones who matter don’t mind, and the ones who mind don’t matter.

I do feel like a victim. But the only reason it distresses me to feel that way is that everyone [in my life] seems to think it's wrong. Like that's part of the reason no one wants anything to do with me. It's hard to imagine feeling like a survivor because I still have the same struggles with self-regulation and executive functioning (which continues to get me in trouble - trouble that others feel is due to irresponsible or poor choices, as if I could avoid problems 'if I wanted to'). It like they don't believe that old trauma effects my everyday life -or- that I am autistic (as if the letters from multiple doctors and the fact that I receive SSDI isn't enough to prove that my issues are legitimate). It's hard to shrug it off because even though they don't care, they are the ones who matter (because...there is no one else ).

Thanks again for the reply.

 

[anthony]

- what happens to me doesn't matter

It matters.

- it's okay for people to violate me, but I WILL be punished to the fullest extent if anyone even falsely claims that I have violated them.

Tell anyone who tries to violate you, to go f*ck themselves.

- it is wrong for me to stand up for myself (how dare I)

Nope. You are right, they are wrong.

- anything that is wrong, is my fault

Maybe, maybe not. Anything? No. But we all do wrong and right, according to others uniquely. What is right to one person, is wrong to another.

- my accomplishments don't mean anything and in fact will be denied. For example, I graduated from HS a year early (in a girls home) and it was recorded. But if you asked my mother, she will tell you I did not graduate HS. In fact, she has said that to ME !

f*ck people who pull you down. You are responsible for you, nobody else. Take control of you if you want to fix you. It starts with removing anyone toxic in your life. That is often the greatest hurdle.

- everyone else and everyone else's rights come before mine

Nope. We're all equal.

- the rules/laws only matter if I am the one breaking them

Nope. They apply to all equally.

- self advocacy does not work for me (because it's me and no one ever 'has my back')

People often won't have your back, especially if they're abusing you / taking advantage of you. Take responsibility for taking control of your life, your decisions, which all come from your choices. Nobody, and I mean nobody, really gets to choose for you. You make your choices.

And I want to know....

- Why do people think that what I endured as a child doesn't matter and that I need to 'just get over it'?
- Why is it bad for me to openly express to my family that I need help?

You don't get over trauma, you have to go through it, AND, family can be good and bad, especially surrounding help. Look... people are selfish, even those who are generally unselfish, there is a point. Find that point and people uniquely will crack and expose their point. Not right or wrong, it is what it is. Accept that each person uniquely gets to make their own choices for how they live their life, thus you also have the same right and who you have in your life, the shit you accept overall, is up to you for the most part.

And last but not least...

How do I stop having this 'victim mentality' that my adopted and biological families both seem to think that I have? I mean...I DO feel like a victim. I WAS a victim. I guess I do not understand at what point does a child who is a victim stop being a victim. At what point does a parent turn around and say 'it's not my responsibility to help them'? How do I deal with being told I am a liar? And that I brought all this on my self? And that I am 'choosing' to struggle?? And how do I deal with my kids now viewing me as the sole source of their misery too?

You can think of yourself as a victim if you wish, but that won't fix jack shit. If you're alive after everything else, then you are a survivor, not a victim. Victim equates to you want sympathy, remorse, apologies from those who abused you, those responsible in any way for the horrible memories you live with. Survivor mentality places you in a position to look back at all the shit, but you choose to work on putting those horrible memories in the past where they belong, changing our life in the present for your future, so the rest of your life becomes better, and not this horrible cycle of living in the past and wanting things from others because of that torment.

The choice is yours, and yours alone, how you view your past, present and future.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Bad things happened to me, there is no question about that. However I do not seem myself as a victim. Victim is a loaded word, it has connotations of powerlessness, etc. Once I understood that PTSD was the cause of my life spiraling out of control there was only one thing to do, fix the problem. It is a problem no one else but myself, with professional assistance, can fix. I jumped into action which alone is empowering. I am solely responsible for my recovery. I am not a victim, I am a problem solver that gets things done. Remember, it is your life.

 

[Friday]

I’m not in a headspace for words, at the moment (I talked too much today), but wanted to give a shout & a wave, anyway. Welcome!

 

[Teasel]

Hi from a fellow autie
I think you're the only other person I've come across that feels like a victim too. I don't feel it makes me a despicable person though I realise almost everyone else hates anyone to feel like a victim.

 

[anthony]

I think you're the only other person I've come across that feels like a victim too. I don't feel it makes me a despicable person though I realise almost everyone else hates anyone to feel like a victim.

I started at this point, feeling like a victim. I also don't believe everyone hates anyone who feels like a victim. The simple truth is, it isn't healthy for you. Victim mentality holds you back from aspiring to be who you want to be, beyond a victim. Nothing about being a victim helps you move forward in your life, to live your life.

 

[Movingforward10]

You have been through A Lot. And everyone who has told you: you are worthless, you are lying, you are a problem. They are all those things that they made you feel.
This was never about anything wrong with you, but then for treating you like that.

Victim. Survivor. They are problematic terms at times. But choose what works for you.

Being in a victim mindset. That is also loaded. Sometimes recognising and sitting there is healing. Particularly if we have blamed ourselves for the trauma someone did to us. Fully holding space for it.
Sometimes though, staying in that mindset might hold us back from growth.

Have you heard of the "drama triangle" and the "winners triangle"? They are concepts to help shift things to look at how we place ourselves in relation to others. Moving us from a victim mindset (in the drama triangle) to a place of vulnerability and growth (in the winners triangle).

 

[Teasel]

Just to say, I didn't say anything about victim mentality. I think my using the word is as loaded as describing someone having brown eyes. I think I am a victim in that I have been repeatedly victimised, nothing about it being my identity.

I suspect there's something about differences in the way Autistics communicate that's behind my seeing this differently.

Anyway, don't want to derail your thread with my stuff.

I realise almost everyone else hates anyone to feel like a victim.

Also- I said hates anyone to feel like a victim, not hates anyone who feels they are a victim

 

[thetattoolady]

I’m not in a headspace for words, at the moment (I talked too much today), but wanted to give a shout & a wave, anyway. Welcome!

I have said that exact thing to people (and they never believe me). Good to know there is at least one other person who can relate . Thank you for the welcome .