Sufferer How to not have a victim mentality

[Teasel]

What if you are a victim of a thing that doesn't end?

 

[Friday]

What if you are a victim of a thing that doesn't end?

I think they call that “hell”.

I’m uncertain, as the looooongest I’ve been a victim? Is 11 years. Which was all hell. I’m past that, now? But it’s still left impressions upon me.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

You got me thinking which is always dangerous. If you run towards the problem and get rejected over and over again, an finally give up does that mean you are still a victim? In my case I am working hard on saving my marriage and trying to heal family relationships but at the same time I am working on Plan B, to move to New Zealand and create a new life for myself in a very intentional manner and go no contact with my family. To me, Plan B isn’t being a victim, it is the opposite. It is facing the reality of the situation and moving on in a healthy intentional way that has the hope of salvaging the remaining time I have on Earth, being an emotionally healthy oof a person as I can be. And maybe, find some happiness in life.

 

[RonnieRay]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you're navigating complex feelings about justice and support. Roland’s insights on moving beyond a victim mentality are powerful. It’s natural to feel burdened by blame and question your purpose, especially when justice feels elusive. The importance of justice in healing can’t be understated, as highlighted in discussions about social justice. How do you see yourself moving forward in this journey?

 

[Survivor3]

Hi MyPTSD, I have aspergers and CPTSD and I stumbled across this site while searching for information on changing names to distance oneself from past trauma. But after reading through posts/threads, I now feel this forum may hold the answer to a deep burning question I've had for many years. Please bare with me as I provide background/context...

I was adopted at 18 months, into a family where I was abused and neglected. I have experienced a life filled with repeated/continuous trauma that includes:

- molestation from around age 4 to 6 (by an 18 yr old family friend and later his older brother as well)
- father used to call me a monkey and tell me this creepy monkey toy with chimes was my cousin. The monkey would clap his chimes and make this loud screeching noise while showing his red gums and teeth. My father would laugh and dance while I would be screaming bloody hell for him to stop (I was a toddler, and terrified). *Google 'monkey toy horror movie' and you will see the monkey, it was from Japan.
- accidentally caught our house on fire (left unattended and playing with matches, we had to move out temporarily and one of our dogs died as a result)
- isolation (restricted to my bedroom for up to 8 months at a time, only allowed to come out for meals and bathroom).
- mother was extremely mean and neglectful, called me stupid and sorry all the time, shut down anything that seemed to bring me joy, left my brothers to comb my hair, etc. (when I was 18, she actually called to have my car towed WHILE I WAS IN IT, because she put me out and the neighbor asked her why I was sleeping in my car)
- witness to gang rape at 13
- jumped (beat up) by three of my 'friends' at 14 - they cut off all my clothes, beat me to the ground, cracked my ribs, and cut off all my hair and left me in the alley naked.
- raped at 15 (and had a child as a result)
- several short stays in juvenile hall because my parents would kick me out and then call the police and say I ran away
- kidnap (held for 2 and a half days)
- multiple home burglaries
- being shot at
- witness to murder
- involvement in fatal car accident and blamed/bashed by the community for it (even though the guy hit ME)
- chronic homelessness (even as a six-figure earner)

Despite all of this, I did somehow manage to build a career? Luckily, I ended up 'consulting' because I couldn't hold any job for much longer than 4-6 months. Up until I finally had a nervous breakdown and was put on disability, I had never lived in the same place for longer than a year for my entire adult life. Neither of my kids (both adults now) ever attended the same school two years in a row. EVER.

I have [formally diagnosed] aspergers and CPTSD. Over the years, I have tried to find/get help, but no one ever actually believed that I needed it? They would literally laugh when I would try to describe the things I struggled with (which I now know was mostly executive dysfunction). They always thought 'money' was the problem, not realizing that being in financial distress was only the result of me not getting the kind of help I really needed. And when I try to really be open about it...like HEY...I REALLY NEED HELP!, it is frowned upon. I am pitiful. Needy. Pretending to be helpless.

Both of my adopted parents are dead now. And the last time I spoke with my biological father (2021), he said that "I am a miserable soul and I just want everyone else to be miserable too." At which point he asked me to please never contact him again. The last time I spoke with my biological MOTHER (2010), she told me that "I am a problem, and I have been a problem since the moment I was conceived. And I haven't realized it yet, but I am a problem for everyone that I come into contact with."

But underneath allll of that... I feel my deepest issue is the fact that nothing that ever happened to me seemed to matter. When I told my mother what was happening to me (molestation), she thought I was lying. She didn't do anything or even confront anyone (as far as I know), and so it continued - and got worse. I was unprotected, uncared for. No one was ever held accountable for ANYTHING of the wrongs that were done to me. And I was actually told that everything that ever happened to me was my own fault? And later hat everything that my children went through was also my fault (and I of course DO take responsibility for that). But EVERYTHING can't be my fault. right?? No one was ever made to take responsibility for what happened to ME as a child.

Basically, what I was taught was:

- what happens to me doesn't matter
- it's okay for people to violate me, but I WILL be punished to the fullest extent if anyone even falsely claims that I have violated them.
- it is wrong for me to stand up for myself (how dare I)
- anything that is wrong, is my fault
- my accomplishments don't mean anything and in fact will be denied. For example, I graduated from HS a year early (in a girls home) and it was recorded. But if you asked my mother, she will tell you I did not graduate HS. In fact, she has said that to ME !
- everyone else and everyone else's rights come before mine
- the rules/laws only matter if I am the one breaking them
- self advocacy does not work for me (because it's me and no one ever 'has my back')

And I want to know....

- Why do people think that what I endured as a child doesn't matter and that I need to 'just get over it'?
- Why is it bad for me to openly express to my family that I need help?

And last but not least...

How do I stop having this 'victim mentality' that my adopted and biological families both seem to think that I have? I mean...I DO feel like a victim. I WAS a victim. I guess I do not understand at what point does a child who is a victim stop being a victim. At what point does a parent turn around and say 'it's not my responsibility to help them'? How do I deal with being told I am a liar? And that I brought all this on my self? And that I am 'choosing' to struggle?? And how do I deal with my kids now viewing me as the sole source of their misery too?

Sometimes I wonder why I am here. I seem to have been nothing but a problem for everyone in my life. Yet, if I were in a deadly plane crash, I would be the one person to survive.

Sorry, for the long post, I didn't mean to go that deep. But once I got to typing...

PS - I am 48 yrs old now, and still struggling with this. I have been in therapy for years (various providers). Now nearing the end of second round of ketamine treatments. But it just seems that what I really suffer from is lack of love. And there is no medicine or therapy that can substitute that. People that think you don't need anyone to accept you or love you (like a mother/father), I believe are people who were in fact loved by someone...at some point (someone believed in them - someone cared - and that's why they are able to fulfill that need for themselves as adults). *I have been that person for many others.

Hello @thetattoolady , I don't think your a victim at all. When people grow and develop and become intellectually aware enough to process and describe to oneself and others what happened to them then that's normal. And it takes alot of courage. The key is finding (as others have stated) the right people to tell for helpful/caring responses. And that's a process that's a bit like a game.

You have to be willing to take a few hits before finding the right people. Stupid people/assholes/the unskilled/toxic people can all as @anthony stated "go f*ck themselves". And "hatred" and "blame" are both expensive emotions, so try not to spend to much time on them, they'll just drain you.

Michael Stipe, the lead singer of the band R.E.M once stated that "good living" is the best revenge. And I believe in that. And "Beck" the American singer/song writer sang that "your maximum point of power is NOW"!!!

What you've endured has been horrific, but you've survived it. Time to put yourself first and strive to get well, be kind to yourself and love yourself. Be the love that you were never shown, be the love that was taken from you.

I have a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. That's my story, the rest is in my diary. But life now for me is very different, I'm winning!

This is a great ptsd site filled with all different types of people with their own story and there are many really intelligent and caring people here willing to help and support you(us/each other).

Best wishes and welcome aboard!

Edit:- when I wrote this it only showed me a page 1, didn't look at dates, so... doesn't really change anything I would have said.

 

[Realsick]

Thank so much for the reply. I've never thought about skills required to reply helpfully and compassionately, I guess you don't have to when you know what it's like to have people respond in the most hurtful ways.

I already know it's not helpful, but there is no one else to ask. And I think it's human nature to try to get help for yourself (when your life depends on it). I think I just wonder why everyone in my life frowns upon it. Even outside of my own family, it's like...people look down on those who openly express a need for help and then go above and beyond to help those to pretend they don't need help and say everything is fine. It's like the more you say you don't need anything, the more people want to help. Unfortunately, constantly being accused of 'manipulating' people as a child has made me despise doing anything that doesn't feel natural to get a particular response from someone (like pretending to be okay so that people will help me). *I guess what I was really wanting to know is 'Why do they (my family) think it's bad for me to ask them for help?"

I guess I haven't come across the right people to ask yet. Because of all the doctors, therapists, case workers, friends, etc...no one really has seemed to 'get it'. Well...some doctors have, but they can't give me love and support at home. I haven't seen any evidence that 'others' can fill that void (lack of love/support from family). I may be able to eventually find the support 'services' I need to help me operate/function/maintain day-to-day life stuff, but there will always be that void. And more importantly, I actually feel like having that love and support from family would have a way bigger impact on my recovery/healing than any amount of counseling or occupational therapy could ever have.

I do feel like a victim. But the only reason it distresses me to feel that way is that everyone [in my life] seems to think it's wrong. Like that's part of the reason no one wants anything to do with me. It's hard to imagine feeling like a survivor because I still have the same struggles with self-regulation and executive functioning (which continues to get me in trouble - trouble that others feel is due to irresponsible or poor choices, as if I could avoid problems 'if I wanted to'). It like they don't believe that old trauma effects my everyday life -or- that I am autistic (as if the letters from multiple doctors and the fact that I receive SSDI isn't enough to prove that my issues are legitimate). It's hard to shrug it off because even though they don't care, they are the ones who matter (because...there is no one else ).

Thanks again for the reply.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I WAS stoic about what happened to me and pretended I was fine. Nobody willingly stepped up to say “let me help you.” My refusal to seek help ended with a nearly successful suicide attempt. I’m now actively receiving help and am adamant about self care. Sometimes this can be disruptive as in canceled plans and the sort. But I no longer care. I’m getting stronger and starting to really enjoy life! The work is painful but so what? Not as painful as when I was drowning in my symptoms. I don’t identify primarily as a victim anymore but as a survivor. Never mind what others think. You’re taking care of you! Keep it up!