Sufferer How to not have a victim mentality

[thetattoolady]

Hi from a fellow autie
I think you're the only other person I've come across that feels like a victim too. I don't feel it makes me a despicable person though I realise almost everyone else hates anyone to feel like a victim.

Hi. Yeah, I think it might be an aspie/autie thing. Because in my mind, the shift from victim to survivor could only happen if the trauma stops -and- justice is served.

For example (hypothetically), if a person is raped, that person is a victim. If perpetrator is caught and thrown in jail, [in my mind] the victim can then feel like a survivor. *Even though they did literally ‘survive’ the situation, they walk away a victim of that crime. Without any type of closure , I don’t understand at what point a person is no longer a victim.

And since no one was ever held accountable for ANY of the wrongs that were done to me -and- my family has disowned me based on my age (without considering that I am autistic and will always need help), I am still living through the trauma and therefore I am still a victim.

But you’re right about people hating for anyone to feel like a victim. I think it’s because (the people we are thinking of) no one wants to acknowledge anything negative, or deal with the awkwardness of not knowing what to say, or feel responsible for helping? Instead, they turn it around and make you/us out to be the problem for making them uncomfortable. Idk…just thinking out loud , I probably did a terrible job of articulating what I was trying to say. But hopefully, you’ll get it.

Thanks for chiming in.

It matters.

Tell anyone who tries to violate you, to go f*ck themselves.

Nope. You are right, they are wrong.

Maybe, maybe not. Anything? No. But we all do wrong and right, according to others uniquely. What is right to one person, is wrong to another.

f*ck people who pull you down. You are responsible for you, nobody else. Take control of you if you want to fix you. It starts with removing anyone toxic in your life. That is often the greatest hurdle.

Nope. We're all equal.

Nope. They apply to all equally.

People often won't have your back, especially if they're abusing you / taking advantage of you. Take responsibility for taking control of your life, your decisions, which all come from your choices. Nobody, and I mean nobody, really gets to choose for you. You make your choices.

You don't get over trauma, you have to go through it, AND, family can be good and bad, especially surrounding help. Look... people are selfish, even those who are generally unselfish, there is a point. Find that point and people uniquely will crack and expose their point. Not right or wrong, it is what it is. Accept that each person uniquely gets to make their own choices for how they live their life, thus you also have the same right and who you have in your life, the shit you accept overall, is up to you for the most part.

You can think of yourself as a victim if you wish, but that won't fix jack shit. If you're alive after everything else, then you are a survivor, not a victim. Victim equates to you want sympathy, remorse, apologies from those who abused you, those responsible in any way for the horrible memories you live with. Survivor mentality places you in a position to look back at all the shit, but you choose to work on putting those horrible memories in the past where they belong, changing our life in the present for your future, so the rest of your life becomes better, and not this horrible cycle of living in the past and wanting things from others because of that torment.

The choice is yours, and yours alone, how you view your past, present and future.

Sorry, I got overwhelmed the other night thinking about all this and then reading the replies, so I had to walk away for a few days . Thank you for the reply and for creating this space for us.

 

[Roland]

Hi welcome to the forum! Sorry you have many reasons to be here, it sounds like you've been through a lot.

I have a lot of thoughts, about victim mentality. I think it's possible, to not identify with being a victim without getting justice. (There was no justice for me, I didn't have it in me to pursue it). I used to have a victim mentality but never really consciously identified as either victim or survivor. Idk I don't think either label. But anyways, nowadays I tend to think of it as I WAS victimized, but I no longer am. I think this shift happened from the charismatic tilt of religion I find myself in. I don't think any identity is really wrong, but it can be harmful if it's your only identity (unless only a temporary state). Throughout my teen years it was my identity, but now I feel I identify myself as so much more than what happened to me. I'm a woman, a mother, a wife, a sign language interpreter, an advocate, creative, dancer etc. but then yes, I have PTSD, I lived through significant trauma through my childhood and teen years and I've been working hard since to live a good life, heal, and THRIVE. Some days, I feel like I've touched that. My son is such a light in my life and my husband is so supportive and optimistic. Other days... I feel like I've been victimized all over again with flashbacks, anxiety, depression (you know how it is). It's a journey. It's hard. But we take it one step at a time.

 

[thetattoolady]

Hi. Thank you for sharing. You gave me a couple things to ponder and I feel like I’m starting to gain some clarity.

I think it's possible, to not identify with being a victim without getting justice. (There was no justice for me, I didn't have it in me to pursue it).

Remember, this is only one part of what I have mentally identified as conditions for personal healing/switching mindsets (trauma has to stop -and- justice be served); and one of my issues is exactly that - no justice, ever. And I always have it in me to pursue it (for past things and every time something happens). But whenever I do, I am either not believed, shamed, and most recently disowned for it. And that seems to compound the pain.

*I see now that the justice is dependent on other factors (like maybe having a supportive family)

I used to have a victim mentality but never really consciously identified as either victim or survivor

This is one of the things I am curious about. Can you help me understand what it means exactly (what behavior constitutes ‘victim mentality’ (if the person isn’t even aware)?

In my younger years, I did not realize I was a victim (as all my life, I was taught that it was okay for people to violate me and that nothing that happened to me mattered). So I wouldn’t think it possible to have a victim mentality then, but based on your statement, I guess it is?

nowadays I tend to think of it as I WAS victimized, but I no longer am.

This is the second thing. Trauma has to stop. I haven’t experienced violence in a long while, but I am still living through the trauma because the shaming and not having support is part of the trauma (if that makes sense). *see below

now I feel I identify myself as so much more than what happened to me. I'm a woman, a mother, a wife, a sign language interpreter, an advocate, creative, dancer etc.

I lived through significant trauma through my childhood and teen years and I've been working hard since to live a good life, heal, and THRIVE.

I am happy that you are able to say these things for yourself and that you have been strong enough to pull through.

I did manage to make it to the top of my career ladder despite chronic homelessness between jobs. I worked myself into a nervous breakdown that I never fully recovered from and ended up on disability due to the autism coupled with PTSD (and the crippling depression/anxiety that came with all that). So I don’t have much to say for myself in terms of being much more than what happened to me. And that’s part of what my family uses as their reason for looking down on me.

Some days, I feel like I've touched that. My son is such a light in my life and my husband is so supportive and optimistic. Other days... I feel like I've been victimized all over again with flashbacks, anxiety, depression (you know how it is).

You are very fortunate to have them. I wonder if having this type of support is what allows you to feel whole without justice? Just a thought. I think maybe when you are surrounded by people who need you, love you , and support you, it makes a difference.

Do you think you would have been able to thrive if you didn’t have them?

For me, whenever either of my adult kids gets depressed, they make sure I know that I am the sole source of their misery as well. So I was blamed for all the things that happened to me as a child , and now I am blamed for all the things my children went through as well. Makes it hard to feel like I actually have a purpose in life. Like why am I even here ? *im not asking that now; just saying that’s how I feel most of the time.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Hi. Thank you for sharing. You gave me a couple things to ponder and I feel like I’m starting to gain some clarity.

Remember, this is only one part of what I have mentally identified as conditions for personal healing/switching mindsets (trauma has to stop -and- justice be served); and one of my issues is exactly that - no justice, ever. And I always have it in me to pursue it (for past things and every time something happens). But whenever I do, I am either not believed, shamed, and most recently disowned for it. And that seems to compound the pain.

*I see now that the justice is dependent on other factors (like maybe having a supportive family)

This is one of the things I am curious about. Can you help me understand what it means exactly (what behavior constitutes ‘victim mentality’ (if the person isn’t even aware)?

In my younger years, I did not realize I was a victim (as all my life, I was taught that it was okay for people to violate me and that nothing that happened to me mattered). So I wouldn’t think it possible to have a victim mentality then, but based on your statement, I guess it is?

This is the second thing. Trauma has to stop. I haven’t experienced violence in a long while, but I am still living through the trauma because the shaming and not having support is part of the trauma (if that makes sense). *see below


I am happy that you are able to say these things for yourself and that you have been strong enough to pull through.

I did manage to make it to the top of my career ladder despite chronic homelessness between jobs. I worked myself into a nervous breakdown that I never fully recovered from and ended up on disability due to the autism coupled with PTSD (and the crippling depression/anxiety that came with all that). So I don’t have much to say for myself in terms of being much more than what happened to me. And that’s part of what my family uses as their reason for looking down on me.

You are very fortunate to have them. I wonder if having this type of support is what allows you to feel whole without justice? Just a thought. I think maybe when you are surrounded by people who need you, love you , and support you, it makes a difference.

Do you think you would have been able to thrive if you didn’t have them?

For me, whenever either of my adult kids gets depressed, they make sure I know that I am the sole source of their misery as well. So I was blamed for all the things that happened to me as a child , and now I am blamed for all the things my children went through as well. Makes it hard to feel like I actually have a purpose in life. Like why am I even here ? *im not asking that now; just saying that’s how I feel most of the time.

For me, I feel like I am in a hole that wasn’t of my making. My adult kids have a lot of baggage due to my conduct. My wife and I are living apart and I am about t throw the towel in on the marriage even though I love her with all my heart. So I can stay in this hole. It is familiar, probably the only thing I have ever known. Or, I can try to climb out of it. I choose to climb out of it which is a scary thing, off into the unknown rather than the familiar misery. The victim mindset just shackles us to the past.

 

[thetattoolady]

For me, I feel like I am in a hole that wasn’t of my making. My adult kids have a lot of baggage due to my conduct. My wife and I are living apart and I am about t throw the towel in on the marriage even though I love her with all my heart. So I can stay in this hole. It is familiar, probably the only thing I have ever known. Or, I can try to climb out of it. I choose to climb out of it which is a scary thing, off into the unknown rather than the familiar misery. The victim mindset just shackles us to the past.

I guess I do kinda feel shackled to the past. Because I feel like moving forward without any kind of acknowledgment, validation, or justice is basically saying to myself that everyone was right all along and that nothing that happened to me matters . I mean, that’s basically what it means, right? Nothing that happened to you matters, so get over it and stop yearning for anyone else to care?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I guess I do kinda feel shackled to the past. Because I feel like moving forward without any kind of acknowledgment, validation, or justice is basically saying to myself that everyone was right all along and that nothing that happened to me matters . I mean, that’s basically what it means, right? Nothing that happened to you matters, so get over it and stop yearning for anyone else to care?

When I went to law school the first thing my family law professor told the class is “Life isn’t fair, get over it”. Harsh but true. For me, pounding my head against the wall does no good. It keeps me stuck. Not getting validation is not the same as others being right. My gut tells me the only way to fix myself is from the inside. Obviously, others have let me down my whole life, why on Earth would I look for validation from a bunch of nay sayers, many who have a vested interest in not acknowledging the bad stuff. Seeking validation just keeps us in the prison of dysfunction. At least that is how I see it.

 

[Roland]

Hi. Thank you for sharing. You gave me a couple things to ponder and I feel like I’m starting to gain some clarity.

Remember, this is only one part of what I have mentally identified as conditions for personal healing/switching mindsets (trauma has to stop -and- justice be served); and one of my issues is exactly that - no justice, ever. And I always have it in me to pursue it (for past things and every time something happens). But whenever I do, I am either not believed, shamed, and most recently disowned for it. And that seems to compound the pain.

*I see now that the justice is dependent on other factors (like maybe having a supportive family)

This is one of the things I am curious about. Can you help me understand what it means exactly (what behavior constitutes ‘victim mentality’ (if the person isn’t even aware)?

In my younger years, I did not realize I was a victim (as all my life, I was taught that it was okay for people to violate me and that nothing that happened to me mattered). So I wouldn’t think it possible to have a victim mentality then, but based on your statement, I guess it is?

This is the second thing. Trauma has to stop. I haven’t experienced violence in a long while, but I am still living through the trauma because the shaming and not having support is part of the trauma (if that makes sense). *see below


I am happy that you are able to say these things for yourself and that you have been strong enough to pull through.

I did manage to make it to the top of my career ladder despite chronic homelessness between jobs. I worked myself into a nervous breakdown that I never fully recovered from and ended up on disability due to the autism coupled with PTSD (and the crippling depression/anxiety that came with all that). So I don’t have much to say for myself in terms of being much more than what happened to me. And that’s part of what my family uses as their reason for looking down on me.

You are very fortunate to have them. I wonder if having this type of support is what allows you to feel whole without justice? Just a thought. I think maybe when you are surrounded by people who need you, love you , and support you, it makes a difference.

Do you think you would have been able to thrive if you didn’t have them?

For me, whenever either of my adult kids gets depressed, they make sure I know that I am the sole source of their misery as well. So I was blamed for all the things that happened to me as a child , and now I am blamed for all the things my children went through as well. Makes it hard to feel like I actually have a purpose in life. Like why am I even here ? *im not asking that now; just saying that’s how I feel most of the time.

Lots to unpack here.

So I think (personal opinions) unconscious victim mentality can be internalized behavior and beliefs that you haven't dealt with. For example, despite years of martial arts training, when someone would punch me I would lay down instead of fight back. Something clicked in my brain after realizing I was abused for years that I didn't want to allow others to continue to violate me. I started taking control where I could, setting boundaries, cutting off toxic people, fighting back physically if someone attacked me, dealing with conflict directly etc. So I went from "Life happens to mention and everyone hurts me and I just accept it" (what I would call victim mentality) to "I don't allow others to hurt me, victimize me again, etc, at least not repeatedly". If it were safe for me to own a gun, I would conceal carry, but I don't consider it safe because it's been both my husband and I were suicidal. But once I feel ready, I'm going to do that. That's just an example, and my opinions, you obviously don't need to conceal carry to not have a victim mentality.

I do think it helps a lot to no longer be in a state of trauma. It sounds like it's been your whole life and ongoing. My trauma was childhood and teen years. By my early twenties I was cutting off toxic friends etc so now at 23 there's no one actively hurting me on purpose. I'm battling myself, beliefs, harmful patterns etc but my environment and people in my life do not traumatize me.

No, I don't think it's as simple as having support. I also have a very fulfilling career (I'm a sign language interpreter). That gives me a sense of community, purpose, and I feel like I'm helping others. But support is necessary. My mom is supportive, so is my husband, my son is only a baby so he's very dependent xD I also have done a lot of journaling, core beliefs work, art, all those things helped me. I still struggle to make and maintain healthy friendships. I cut out toxic people at age 19, so I was very isolated but I just did my own thing and really still do although I try to make friends.

So anyways, yes you have to have support to heal PTSD but if at first you have to cut people off and not have any support it's better than continuing toxic relationships.

I think somewhere in this conversation I shifted from talking about victim mentality to talking about healing in a broader sense but I think it still applies. Having a victim mentality is a result of trauma so it's not something to be ashamed of but to actively and consciously work towards not having.

So my question to you is what can you do to make your life more stable and to at least distance yourself from people that are toxic?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

For me the first thing was to stop digging a deeper hole. Then it was/is educating myself and taking therapeutic actions. Lots of self examination in regards to what is OK and what isn’t in regards to how people treat me. I am distancing the toxic ones. This is very difficult as my wife has toxic elements that I am not sure we can heal. I am working on it but I am also developing plan b.

 

[thetattoolady]

why on Earth would I look for validation from a bunch of nay sayers, many who have a vested interest in not acknowledging the bad stuff.

For me it’s because I do actually NEED their help and support to live a somewhat normal/stable life. My doctors have written letters describing the kind of help I need . Some of it requires financial resources (which my family has), but my family (aside from NOT being willing to help in that way) doesn’t realize that their presence and acceptance would be way more impactful than any kind of support that money could buy.

*not asking for legal advice here, but since you mentioned family law, tell me this… at what point does an autistic (or otherwise disabled) child stop being the responsibility of the parents? I think there is a legal answer -and- a moral answer.

If the law says parents are not responsible for maltreatment or abuse of the child as a minor -and- once they’re 18 parents can legally free themselves of the burden, there’s still the moral question of right and wrong. We all have different morals , but I guess that’s just the difference between good people and bad people.

I guess I just don’t know how to ‘not’ need them. There is no one else. People used to ask me why I kept knocking on my parents door when I didn’t have anywhere to go (like…they clearly don’t want you or love you…why keep trying??). And my answer would always be ‘i don’t know!’ (Like what else was there for me to do? There was no one and no where else for me to go) I think it’s human nature for us to seek shelter (so to speak) at home? *this was from 16 - prob 35 (I’m 48 now)

I don’t need them for shelter now since I’ve been on SSDI. But I’m only safe as long as I can manage to otherwise ‘manage my life’ (always one mishap away from crisis). And that’s extremely hard to do without an advocate (like family) with executive dysfunction and constant PTSD triggers.

 

[thetattoolady]

For example, despite years of martial arts training, when someone would punch me I would lay down instead of fight back. Something clicked in my brain after realizing I was abused for years that I didn't want to allow others to continue to violate me. I started taking control where I could, setting boundaries, cutting off toxic people, fighting back physically if someone attacked me, dealing with conflict directly etc. So I went from "Life happens to mention and everyone hurts me and I just accept it" (what I would call victim mentality) to "I don't allow others to hurt me, victimize me again, etc, at least not repeatedly".

Wow, my son does exactly this. I had a professional kickboxer coming to give him private lessons for over a year, and when it was time for him to learn to spar, the trainer would take the first shot and my son would literally just go limp. He was 10-11 then, 21 now. I hope that the shift will happen for him one day.

If it were safe for me to own a gun, I would conceal carry, but I don't consider it safe because it's been both my husband and I were suicidal.

I often toss the idea around because I used to carry a gun around and sleep with one for many years and I think it helped me feel safe. But I didn’t have a permit to carry and eventually got pulled over and had it confiscated. I never tried to get another one because know it’s not safe for me to own one now (for the same reason you noted).

No, I don't think it's as simple as having support. I also have a very fulfilling career (I'm a sign language interpreter). That gives me a sense of community, purpose, and I feel like I'm helping others. But support is necessary.

I didn’t mean to insinuate that it might be that simple, I apologize if that’s the way it came across. And I’m glad you have found a source of fulfillment in your work .

I think somewhere in this conversation I shifted from talking about victim mentality to talking about healing in a broader sense

Thank you

So my question to you is what can you do to make your life more stable and to at least distance yourself from people that are toxic?

I have been seriously considering changing my name as a way to mentally distance myself. I was named based on being given the same first two letters of my social workers name (at adoption agency). A name can’t get more meaningless than that. Then my parents wanted a Mexican baby, so they made my middle name ‘Maria’ (and put me in Spanish classes?). My last name is theirs and I hate carrying the name of the family who neglected and abused me.

So I feel like disassociating myself from that name would help me in general (stop hearing it, stop answering to it, etc.) because ‘that person’ is who they all made her out and wanted her to be. And with a new name, will come a new [made up] story about my past. I will no longer have to have a daughter as a result of rape. I will no longer have to be ‘that person’ who was the source of everyone else’s pain and suffering. That person will be dead to the world. And I can mourn her and pay tribute to her and lay her to rest in my own way.

But aside from that, i feel like if they didn’t know my name or where i am, it would be easier for me to heal. It was always easier to live out in the sticks where I didn’t know anyone, because that was able to be the reason I was alone (I was too far away). But being here (easy access) and knowing that they KNOW where I am and simply choose to ignore me is very painful.

I think it’s like blocking someone on the phone because YOU can’t stop texting/calling? It’s easier to get over that person when you know they CAN’T contact you. You don’t have to wonder if it’s them when the phone rings (and be disappointed when it’s not). Don’t have to think about how long it’s been. It all goes away. So I’m hoping it will work the same for me with my family.

Other than that, I don’t think there is much else I can do to make my life more stable without having some other support network in place. I will still have the same struggles with executive dysfunction and PTSD. Just with less triggers and less the pain of family rejection and abandonment (after a period of mourning).

 

[thetattoolady]

For me the first thing was to stop digging a deeper hole. Then it was/is educating myself and taking therapeutic actions. Lots of self examination in regards to what is OK and what isn’t in regards to how people treat me. I am distancing the toxic ones. This is very difficult as my wife has toxic elements that I am not sure we can heal. I am working on it but I am also developing plan b.

I am currently reading The Body Keeps the Score (only about a quarter of the way through). Hoping I can find some answers and possibly some workable way to start healing . Last year, I read Oprah Winfreys ‘What Happened to You’ with Dr Perry (I think). And that was a good read in terms of just knowing that there are SOME people who acknowledge and are researching C-PTSD and how it can be debilitating and affect our adult lives.

 

[Roland]

Wow, my son does exactly this. I had a professional kickboxer coming to give him private lessons for over a year, and when it was time for him to learn to spar, the trainer would take the first shot and my son would literally just go limp. He was 10-11 then, 21 now. I hope that the shift will happen for him one day.

I often toss the idea around because I used to carry a gun around and sleep with one for many years and I think it helped me feel safe. But I didn’t have a permit to carry and eventually got pulled over and had it confiscated. I never tried to get another one because know it’s not safe for me to own one now (for the same reason you noted).

I didn’t mean to insinuate that it might be that simple, I apologize if that’s the way it came across. And I’m glad you have found a source of fulfillment in your work .

Thank you

I have been seriously considering changing my name as a way to mentally distance myself. I was named based on being given the same first two letters of my social workers name (at adoption agency). A name can’t get more meaningless than that. Then my parents wanted a Mexican baby, so they made my middle name ‘Maria’ (and put me in Spanish classes?). My last name is theirs and I hate carrying the name of the family who neglected and abused me.

So I feel like disassociating myself from that name would help me in general (stop hearing it, stop answering to it, etc.) because ‘that person’ is who they all made her out and wanted her to be. And with a new name, will come a new [made up] story about my past. I will no longer have to have a daughter as a result of rape. I will no longer have to be ‘that person’ who was the source of everyone else’s pain and suffering. That person will be dead to the world. And I can mourn her and pay tribute to her and lay her to rest in my own way.

But aside from that, i feel like if they didn’t know my name or where i am, it would be easier for me to heal. It was always easier to live out in the sticks where I didn’t know anyone, because that was able to be the reason I was alone (I was too far away). But being here (easy access) and knowing that they KNOW where I am and simply choose to ignore me is very painful.

I think it’s like blocking someone on the phone because YOU can’t stop texting/calling? It’s easier to get over that person when you know they CAN’T contact you. You don’t have to wonder if it’s them when the phone rings (and be disappointed when it’s not). Don’t have to think about how long it’s been. It all goes away. So I’m hoping it will work the same for me with my family.

Other than that, I don’t think there is much else I can do to make my life more stable without having some other support network in place. I will still have the same struggles with executive dysfunction and PTSD. Just with less triggers and less the pain of family rejection and abandonment (after a period of mourning).

I wasn't offended! I was just saying that there's many factors to healing and I'm still on my own journey.

Changing your name will help. I changed my name as well. My middle name was meaningless to me, plus my dad chose it and my last name was my dad's so I changed both. I love my name now, I identify with it.

You do need support yes, but don't let that stop you from working towards healing. Do what you can, control what you can. If you can get therapy, that's support as well. See if you can create a sense of community through work, volunteering, hobbies, or literal support groups like group therapy etc. I guess that's what I'm getting at. There's so many factors in healing.