Withdrawal And Cynicism

[Upside Down Eagle]

Here in the Netherlands we used to have a cartoon called "Heer Bommel". It's about a multi-millionaire bear who lives in a castle and has adventures with his friend, an intelligent cat.

One character in this cartoon is a cowering old man with a bent back, who goes shrouded in a black dress, his face protected by the rims of his black hat, and a black umbrella protecting him from the perpetual cloud of rain that hovers over his head. The cloud of rain belongs to him and accompanies him wherever he goes.

This depiction is really accurate for how I feel lately. Moreover, I feel increasingly cynical, faithless, gloomy, distant and uncaring. I had some breakthroughs this year, but they've only led me deeper into the pain that I had apparently stored away neatly somewhere at the bottom of my being.

I have no idea what to do with this pain. I told my EMDR therapist (we haven't begun the actual treatment, it was an introductory session). Yesterday I reckoned I just want to get hammered, although obviously that's no solution. The effect the pain has on me, is numbing me down to everything and everyone.

To the outside world I come across as self -centered and arrogant, which is the attitude with which I protect myself from everything "outside".

Anyone recognize this? Did you find some kind of way out of it?

Thanks :-)

 

[scout86]

I originally was going to "like" your post, but that wouldn't be as accurate as commenting that I get what you mean. Not a fun place to be!

I guess I have 2 thoughts. First, how do you know you come across as "self-centered and arrogant." I'm not saying you don't, just asking how you know. (I am continually surprised to find that I DON'T come across the way I think I do.) So, do you really come across that way, or do you think/worry that you ARE that way and are projecting your concerns on to others? OR, are others misinterpreting your unhappiness as being self-centered and aloof (which would be easy to do)?

Second thought. My paternal grandmother died of cancer long before I was born. They didn't have much money. At the time the only treatment was radiation and she had a long bus ride to and from the hospital for treatment. My dad said that, when she got home, no doubt sick from the treatment and the cancer, with a husband & 9 kids of her own to worry about, she was also worried about "the poor people she'd met on the bus". Sometimes the simplest way to feel better on the inside is to look outside. Find someone who's worse off than you are (and, no matter what our situation, there IS someone who's worse off) and do something for them. Smile at the clerk in the grocery store and wish them a good day. Thank someone for just doing their job. (Granted all this means interacting with "PEOPLE". That's just the risk you have to take.) Doesn't have to be a big deal, just something. Surprise someone in a nice way. Look at it as an experiment.

I look at such efforts as being my little effort in the cosmic battle against entropy. Doesn't have to be anything big, just something.

 

[arfie]

That scrunched up little man with the eternal cloud over his head is a popular image in US cartoons, as well. Lots of them. I find it a very fitting image for what I feel as I work through the emotions I have repressed for so long. I think it is one step better than that self-centered arrogance -or whatever you want to call those defenses- I project when I am repressing... It is, at least, a step toward healing. My arrogant defenses only repress.

Senseless acts of beauty and random acts of kindness are my most effective tool for getting my head out from under that cloud, at least for a moment. Pick up some litter. Hold a door open for someone. Coax a smile from lost and worried eyes. Whatever. Just something on the other side of my personal rain cloud. I find that little is better for me. Going big seems to feed my delusions.

But still the rain must fall... May it leave you clean and fresh.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Argh, I broke my computer screen in an anger fit and had to wait to get a new one in order to reply ^^ Yay for borderline and traumatic memories! Anyway thanks for your suggestions :D

ots of them. I find it a very fitting image for what I feel as I work through the emotions I have repressed for so long.

That's accurate, I think. This year I've been feeling like an onion, there's just so many layers, and the closer to the core one gets, the nastier it gets. Suddenly I start to grasp the entire picture, all the dimensions of what really happened during my trauma and it not leaves me blind with anger, but also bent and numbed by the pain. Cheerful stuff!

So, do you really come across that way, or do you think/worry that you ARE that way and are projecting your concerns on to others?

Maybe I do over-exaggerate it projecting it unto everybody, although in several instances I have been told I come across as a bitch with a egocentric attitude, and I feel they are right. It matches a feeling of arrogance and cynicism I frequently have, the urge to bring down everything around me. When people actually talk to me, or take an interest in me (instead of just staring...), that feeling goes away.

So I guess it's a good suggestion to do something nice for someone. But as arrogance is really just a superficial protection, and people actually scare me to death, it's going to be a challenge xD I'm really so in love with my comfort zone...!!