The Second Trauma; What Trauma Can Do.

[Usot]

I'm so very sorry you had to survive all of that. And this too. And I can relate to your fear, your confusion, your paranoia about even your therapist. Some of the men who abused me was men with pretty much power, I gather(can't remember, don't want to remember), and they did 'share' me and did a lot of sick stuff. And so many people must have looked the other way, because it's impossible for so many people to do stuff like that without no-one ever noticing anything. It's sickening, and it messed me and my life up so badly, that my issues with trust is really, really big. (no shit!)

But I think it's good trying to chose to trust your therapist, despite the fear. Talk to her about your fear and paranoia too. I really understand the need to "win", but it made me put my self in a situation where I was raped again. It was a really dangerous need. Despite understandable. But there is no way you can "win" against him/them in that way. You were powerless. He did what he did. It really sucks, big time. And yes, do cry, feel, grieve and do what you need to heal. But playing games with him won't give you the satisfaction of 'winning': not playing at all is to be the winner. To heal, to move on with your life(when you've grieved it all enough to do so) and to not let him/them destroy the rest of your life. They're sick bastards! And hopefully karma is going to hit them. And some of them might even be living they're own hell(some abusers do).

Crossing my fingers you find your strength to get your self out of this dangerous situation soon.

 

[Pefepu]

Usot,

Thank you so much for your kind words, I desperately needed someone like you here. I love you, thank you.

As for an update, which I plan to keep doing here, I think:

I don't know how I feel about it all right now but I've had some mini revelations, or breakthroughs.

I quite suddenly realized that looking at him in the eye is a definite "trigger"(LIKE DUH, why didn't I see this before? but I think writing about it all and reading what I've written about it and talking about it helped bring on these revelations). I must avert eye contact at all times, or else I black out entirely. I do not wish to disappear completely. And though I backed away and bowed my head and focused on the ground and completely ignored him, my memory of that recent encounter still has "holes" to it. And even though the last time I saw him I can not remember his face (it's like there's a black hole there instead), I did not completely check out. But it's all still a big mess in my head, in my heart.

My therapist told me that this is highly unusual, for abusers to return. She told me that a restraining order doesn't exist here, either, where I live! She said something else like it does exist, but you have to go to court for it. Not about to do that, like never ever...

God, I'm a coward. And it's all my fault. It is like I invited him back into my life when I made that police report(YEARS AGO) and sent a detective to his doorstep(practically anyway, Idk exactly how it went down) who used my full name(they reassured me that nothing comes of it USUALLY, and if something does then good, but the last step was trying to get a confession and had to use my full name- school was uncooperative, could not get a warrant due to time passed). And it was like, by doing that, I reminded him of myself. He may have seen it as a re-connection. And he has intentions, I know he does. And I know the fact that a police report reconciled us makes this story sound ALL THE MORE UNBELIEVABLE, but f*ck everyone who wants to immediately disbelieve just because it's so "outside" of their ordinary, just because it sounds like a horror story and god forbid we live in a world were people exist who are monsters, who live outside of the god damned BOX.

And I don't care about the motherf*cking bond anymore.
I will break it.

And it's ok if tomorrow I feel quite the opposite because at least part of me feels this way, it's a start. I can swing back and forth however which way I go until the storm has passed and I'll settle into a new me, a more complete and unified me.

Oh I guess that was just one revelation I talked about. There's more, but this was the biggest. And for the record, I'm a big-time believer in God so I'm sorry for cursing(if it offends anyone). But I wouldn't be an honest person if I didn't(and that's what I tell God, too). Sometimes I just can't help myself. Oh and, sorry if my just proclaimed belief is offensive, I just had to proclaim it to apologize to anyone who may have been offended. LOL, I just made my self laugh for real. Full of sorry's.

 

[Pefepu]

It's too much. It's too much.

I now know, I KNOW. I've been suffering from flashbacks, and the visual ones are so vivid it's like the images have been burned into my mind and I could draw what I see there in detail. And the strangest one's were the physical feelings... I did not know what that was, at first. They came over a duration of a week, for days. Physically feeling the pressure there in between my legs, literally feeling like something was there when there was nothing... like a ghost was touching me. It was so real that it crossed my mind that I could have that disorder where you just orgasm randomly without being touched.... idk maybe I could have that, but I doubt it. Was not exactly orgasming, and it felt like my stomach was tightened and bloated and hurt. Pretty sure those were body flashbacks. Really bizarre. How is this POSSIBLE? It doesn't seem right... it doesn't seem right.

I have woken up feeling awful and decided that for today, none of it is real. None of it is real. I just want so badly to pretend like none of it happened, to tell myself I made it all up. Tell myself I'm over reacting, I'm imagining things, just make myself revert back to my original stories... I just sat on his lap, that's all. Push myself back further, I didn't even sit on his lap. None of it happened. Sweep it underneath the rug, pretend like it's not there... just for today. It's too much.

And this bond I feel is just imaginary, it exists only in a fantasy fairytale that I created. He's not coming to see me at work. It's not him. Pretend like it's not him. Then maybe I can keep it there in an unreal world, in a secret world that never has to touch my reality. Turn it into a fiction tale, don't ever let it touch my reality, it can't touch me. It can't reach me, if I bury it in a fairytale. If I could just separate it from myself like this...

 

[Pefepu]

OMG he touched me today, while I was handing him his change. He grabbed my hand gently but firmly, he stroked my thumb, and it was quick and gentle and it happened and I knew what it was and I know that it's him and he could possibly be reading this, right now, who knows?

Wow. I am not crazy but I may be going a little far with that last statement... BUT. But after I came home and re-read my entry from this morning, it suddenly occurred to me, it was like he touched me on purpose to prove that he can touch me, in my reality, to prove to me that this is real. Or... outside of the fantasy that he could possibly be reading this... he could just have sensed that I was different today because I was! He could sense it, I did not check out, I shoved the terror deep down inside of me and held onto my strength, my anger, and I even looked at him in the eye but not for too long and I was smooth, and I didn't break, even though I started to feel myself shake a little... because he was standing there in my view while I was helping another customer and that made me a little too nervous, I almost couldn't handle it for a second with his tall figure like a shadow in my peripheral view, but I DID. I did handle it. I made it.

Wow, it is like I can still feel him gripping the tips of my fingers, holding my hand for a moment there. It is like I can still feel his thumb stroke right now. Wow it's too much. No one does that, I'm not crazy, this is HAPPENING. But I don't know what it is that's happening, exactly, or why.

I don't want to die, please. Don't do that. I want to LIVE. And I want him to hold onto me forever, God knows I do, I really want that, my heart longs for it. But I know he won't so I don't want that, f*ck that. Because he'll get bored once he's broken into me and feels like he's won, he'll move on and leave me broken without any hope to put all the pieces back together again. I don't want to live for the rest of my life feeling this enormous and beautiful and god forsaken bond while he goes away to do what he wants, however he wants, wherever he wants, whatever he wants. He doesn't give a f*ck about me. There is no God damned bond, in reality. But I can feel his stroke on my thumb, oh God. It's so gentle.

I know what I have to do. I have to break my own damned heart, I have to, I know I do but I don't know how or when or if I've already begun.

None of this is real. But I do feel better, oddly. Avert eye-contact, rise up inside of me that feeling of a challenge... overcome him. I will do it, and I'll do it with a smile plastered on my face, too.

Oh my God. I have to break my own damned heart, but it's your fault that I have to do it... it's not my fault. Your fault, not mine. It's all you.

 

[Pefepu]

NO. I'LL STOP SMILING. That's right. That's the next step. I'll stop smiling at him.

 

[Ezof]

Have you read about trauma bonding? Is there anyone else that can help you set boundaries with this person?

 

[Ohucup]

Is this guy stalking you? Does he have to be at your work all the time?

 

[Pefepu]

Have you read about trauma bonding? Is there anyone else that can help you set boundaries with this person?

I just started reading about trauma bonding over the past week.

It's been busy at work and I'm almost always surrounded by people, so he behaves... the one time that he did the sexual thing towards me (he was actually referring to a past time when I was "wet" and/or my shirt/his shirt got wet in the sexual sense) we were entirely/unusually alone. And it was because he had escalated(I was previously ignoring him/shutting him out due to my caution about who he was, I didn't know who he was yet but I suspected). That was months and months ago. I told my manager that he humped the counter at me(it sounds silly, but it really happened), and another co-worker told me afterwards that my manager didn't believe me... my manager said I imagined it(not to my face, either! backstabber). He's twitchy, for sure, but he sexually humped at me TWICE, and he did it twice because after the first time I told him I wasn't following. Won't go to my manager with anything ever again. I have not told my manager about who he is.

I'll have to go higher up the latter(which I will, if he crosses any serious boundaries again... if I can rise myself up and above these mushy feelings). But, I've asked a co-worker to keep an eye on me and him when we're around each other, though, because she was the one that brought my black-outs to my attention(I'd have had absolutely NO IDEA that I was dissociating/blacking out if she didn't tell me what happened after that one time). I told my co-worker, literally, that I seem to not be able to recall certain things when he's around so just let me know what happens and report back to me. Weird, so weird. I don't ask my co-worker if they believe me about the black-outs(I don't want to know, frankly), but that co-worker has been good on their word. I love them. I may be working up to asking another co-worker to watch out for me, too.

Is this guy stalking you? Does he have to be at your work all the time?

When the store first opened up and I got the job over a year ago now... he showed up a lot. He asked what my schedule was like. He favored me openly in front of others. He has spoken about me to others. But I think he has a job now and only comes once or twice a week(while I'm there, anyway, I don't know how much he shows up when I'm not around). I find myself looking forward to Sundays, strangely(one of the days he comes).

Now, I originally called it stalking because he found me, whether or not it was accidental(pretty sure it was not accidental anymore), and he introduced himself to me like a new person. Then he asked if it was "ok," in a sense, after I knew it was him. I gave him permission. I said it was ok if he saw me AT WORK (I was terrified at the notion of seeing him outside of work and he knew it). So I don't really know if this constitutes as stalking. It's not stalking if he's actually actively engaging with me, is it? It's more like he has intentions, he wants to get closer to me... or just wants to watch me/get his fix however he can with me... He might even want to hurt me, on purpose this time. I don't know if he's watching me outside of work. In my job I have everyday regulars... so it is not exactly unusual and does not look strange if he comes in a lot. None of them HAVE to be at my work all the time, but it's just the type of job I have. Very public.

 

[Iloz]

What you need to remember is that even being there is an act of aggression and dominance. Going in is. Speaking to you is. Any subtle hint at sexuality is. Anything that makes him think of the past or hopes makes you think of the past. This situation is dangerous and not acceptable. I truly think it is your trauma at a young age that is pulling your strings at present but you need to find a way out of this. You need to get any help that is required but you need to do it.

Its not safe to allow people like this to play games as it feeds their sense of power and control. Abusers feed off control and manipulation. Every time you interact with him it feeds his bonding to you. Have you thought of contacting an organisation that deals with victim support for proper advice?

 

[Pefepu]

Have you thought of contacting an organisation that deals with victim support for proper advice?

I am currently going therapy through an organization that deals solely with trauma victims and etc. They offer legal advocate help too. I have suspected that she is not working entirely "alone." I am afraid. I know I have to break my own heart. I wish the fantasy was real.

It just recently occurred to me why he might possibly have changed the way he looks, too. It's not a great revelation, either. Something tickling at the edges of my brain, wondering how I could have been a part of this, wondering how I could have forgotten any of this... but so far I'd have only been late to one or two classes, even if it were ten classes that I might've missed it would've been over the duration of two years, this is entirely possible if you put it into perspective that way. I don't remember it ALL, but what I DO remember is enough to have shaken the very foundations of my entire reality(back then, AND NOW).

The detective told me, four years ago when I first filed the report, that it was hard to find him. He goes by another name, he skipped states, and he told me... that I would never ever recognize him(beyond normal age/time reasons). I'm not sure how smart I am exposing all of my knowledge, here, throwing it out into the public... but I sense that I am putting on a show, like I need an audience and the very presence of an audience will make me feel SAFER. Even if it's an audience full of strangers. Even if I am anonymous(or not so anonymous) here. I need everyone I can get to watch, to witness these events that are unfurling... and maybe it'll all become less like a dream. Maybe I'll wake up and find out that it's all been a dream. Maybe I'll be a dead body at the end of this but at least I'll have left behind a trail. I've written at length about what's been going on with me everywhere.

Ok, so.

If my teacher has ever taken any pictures of me, and himself, or video's of himself and me... OR WITH ANYONE ELSE(black camera on black tripod it is really cold, I keep seeing/feeling it/is it a dream?). Well he maybe would have changed the way he looks, due to the distribution of those records, so as not to be easily connected to those records if they ever landed into the "wrong" hands. I can't believe I'm even SAYING THIS, it's so f*cked up. He changed his f*cking NAME. He's wealthy, and small changes are enough. It is enough, I didn't recognize him. And after he did all of that... perhaps the records could be safely released in the inner underground circle of perverts.

The overwhelming possibility that this may be my reality, right now, has brought me down to the lowest of lows. Wondering if my ten year old looking teenaged self is a f*cking child porn star in the underground pervert world, I REALLY DID LOOK MUCH YOUNGER. And have you ever been in the position where you found yourself suddenly wondering who's seen that porno. And I've caught myself suddenly wondering if he's sending in those perverts at my work I SWEAR I FELT IT HAPPENING. For a minute. Even the authorities have been infiltrated. If ever those records were released and then attained by the police, now I've got policemen who've seen my naked 14 year old self... Tbh, I'd want to see it, too. I'd want to watch it! Can I see it? That's crazy, I know, but it's true! I'd need to see it! Ugh I'm making myself sick here.

God. If this is my reality... and I'm not really crazy... and he's here reading, I'm sorry. I'm SORRY that I'm not a dumb bunny. Be gentle with me, please.

 

[Eceki]

have you ever been in the position where you found yourself suddenly wondering who's seen that porno

Yes I have.

I think you need to separate out having a witness to the reality of your past, and being safe. Here is anonymous. You are anonymous and we are anonymous witnesses to what you tell us.

I have no idea of what you're writing is enough for him to identify you. What I do know is that the rest of us can't identify you. Posting on the forum here does not keep you safe. You can't play with seeing him at work and think you're protected in some way because you're posting about it here. You need to take steps in real life to be safe.

How much are you telling your therapist?

 

[Pefepu]

Eceki,

Thank you.

I had this very same realization about what you just said weeks ago and that is why I have not posted anymore. I will write again when it IS safe to do so. Thank you, though, for responding. I will not be responding again, after this, until it has become safe.