Has Healthier Behavior Caused Flashbacks?

[Seasounds]

I was treated so rudely last Friday that, for the first time, I filed a report with Consumer Protection, and the Civil Right office.
These were good and forward movements for me, but it has triggered somatic flashbacks, of what use to happen to me, as a child, when I stood up for myself (e.g.,set a boundary).

I don't like that breaking new ground can cause flashbacks. It is so uncomfortable. Grumble! I need to practice my bag of relaxation exercises, in order to relax through the old pattern. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Abstract]

Well done for standing up for yourself and I am sorry to hear the work situation is ongoing.

Any assertiveness when I was threatened brought on intense reactions for me. Usually of the emotional flashback variety but on occasion more. Thanks for sharing this as I have been trying to figure out how it seems certain emotions themselves seem to be a trigger.

Maybe a way to view it is that it gives you the opportunity to process that aspect of the trauma. I tell myself that and sometimes I even believe it.

 

[wolfkitty]

I found that as much as I want to change my behavior any "new" way of being can send me backwards. As much as I hate it, this current place I am at is my comfort zone and when I leave it I and really push myself I can seem to "go backward" at first.

However, it is really just because it is so new and strange and out side of "normal" for me. I find that if I just keep with the new behavior for at least a month then it sticks and becomes my new "normal" and doesn't trigger me any more.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It seems quite natural that this would cause a flashback. But, the flashbacks will stop, and you try to focus on the fact that the bad thing your flashbacks reminded you of, has not happened this time.

Your mind is conditioned to get ready for the extreme 'bad' when you set a boundary, so facing it is about re-conditioned the mind to a healthier reality.

 

[arfie]

Count me a yes. I have experienced this with every breakthrough I have experienced in my recovery. Over the decades of coming to accept this as part of the healing process I have come to believe these are not setbacks. I believe it is an honest inventory of where I was when I shut down and that I am merely picking up where I left off. I sometimes imagine a celestial school teacher smacking the desk and announcing, "No, child! You do NOT get to skip lessons, no matter how long you resist them."

Gentle hugs to sustain you as you sort through what it is for you.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't really think that healthier behavior "caused flashbacks" so much as increased exposure to people, places and situations did. Healthier behavior I think, caused my distorted core beliefs about "what I deserved" or "whether I was worthy or entitled to be treated with dignity or a certain way". I get confused or muffled up still, after an event or situation but I tend to chalk it up now more to my increased exposure as opposed to leading an isolated agoraphobic type life.

 

[DMerish]

Your mind is conditioned to get ready for the extreme 'bad' when you set a boundary, so facing it is about re-conditioned the mind to a healthier reality.

I agree with this ^

I don't really think that healthier behavior "caused flashbacks" so much as increased exposure to people, places and situations did. Healthier behavior I think, caused my distorted core beliefs about "what I deserved" or "whether I was worthy or entitled to be treated with dignity or a certain way". I get confused or muffled up still, after an event or situation but I tend to chalk it up now more to my increased exposure as opposed to leading an isolated agoraphobic type life.

This makes sense to me also. When my negative core beliefs about myself crop up, they especially do so when relating to other people. It is as if the healthier behavior, feelings that I am working towards having and the old beliefs, thoughts, emotions and behavior crash together. It causes cognitive dissonance which feels like an emotional flashback.

I don't know whether your "flashback" feels primarily emotional or whether sensory (visual, auditory, or physical sensation, etc) occur. With me, the sensory parts of the "flashback" aren't there - just the emotional feeling and a crash like mental confusion . . . What should I do? Would it be appropriate for me to _____ because of how this person or people are treating me?

It happened to me just tonight! I was at the pharmacy counter picking up my meds. So customers have a sense of privacy, there are three signs that point and instruct people where to stand while they wait their turn that's about twenty feet away from the counter/cashier. A middle aged woman and her daughter came and stood about four feet behind me and began arguing loudly. I turned and looked at them, internally hoping that by my turning around they could read my mind which was saying "Don't stand so close behind me and stop arguing. Stop being so loud." They didn't "hear" me :confused: A few minutes later I turned again and gave them "the eye" - surely they'd read my body language, right? They didn't. . . . Third time I turned:
Me: "Can I help you with something?"
They: "No, we're just waiting our turn."
Me: "Well, you're standing very close."
They: "Yes, we're standing behind you waiting our turn."
Me: "Where you are standing makes me feel uncomfortable."
They: "Sheesh! We're just standing here behind you minding our own business waiting for you to be done."
Me: "You're standing to close to me; you're loud and you're disturbing me. Please move. The line for waiting for your turn (pointing) is over there." - They move half-way to the area where a line had formed while grumbling about it.
Man at the front of the line: "Excuse me, there's a waiting line." Waves his hand to the back of it, three people behind him."
They: "Well, we didn't see you. We were standing over there and we're next."
Pharmacist: "Mam, the waiting line is so folks at the counter can have privacy and you walked in, stood behind this woman, after the people in line were there. You'll need to go to the end of the line or come back later. [The mother had a hissy fit - how unfair!]

Anyhoo, during the bold part above I started shaking inside and began feeling so many of the fear emotions that I used to feel when my abuser talked loudly and argumentatively when he usually stood behind me or followed me and displayed his nastiness. It's taken me a couple of hours to calm myself. But speaking up was a good experience for me, in that doing so was (finally) effective with a bit of help from the pharmacist). And I know speaking up, going through that experience, has helped lay down stronger, healthier self-behavior towards myself.

I'm not sure whether what I described is akin to what you're experiencing. I hope it's a little helpful though.

 

[Abstract]

For me being assertive was a direct trigger when I first started. I think part of me was back in other past conflict situations. Situations where if it was even imagined that I looked at him a certain way I would end up in trouble. Situations that ended horribly and suddenly. I had never been assertive in my entire life when it came to my own self protection when I started doing so in therapy. I had not even been aggressive in conflict situations. I had been passive or frozen in conflict situations that were about my own wellbeing my entire life up until that point. The fallout of change was huge but I was determined to keep going. I knew the theory and I wanted to change.

I am now a totally different person in this regard and it has created enormous healing.

what I deserved" or "whether I was worthy or entitled to be treated with dignity or a certain way".

This is an excellent point though.

the healthier behavior, feelings that I am working towards having and the old beliefs, thoughts, emotions and behavior crash together.

I would put it a slightly different way for me. Confronting and going away from the way I had been conditioned to react created two things. One being confronted with the fact that the past was truly wrong and experiencing a wash of reality of the wrongness of that past. Two, internal conflict with the internal parent. With the introjected parent. It feels like the threat is truly present and there in the moment. I think that is about re living on one hand and on the other confronting the abusive parent I have within. After all looking after myself was "wrong and "dangerous" . The level of reaction I had correlated with the situation I was in. On occasion, when it was someone in authority and I was already in a threatened position, the reaction was intense I would have flashbacks etc. What happened is they visually became my father. If I had one of these then it could take almost a month to balance out again.

Developing assertiveness was one of the most difficult and life changing things I have done. I have to say my therapist was excellent when it came to this.

@change you are proving to yourself that the past is not the present and that it is actually safe to self protect. I hope you are dong OK.

@DMerish excellent job standing up for yourself! Wonderful you were supported too.

 

[DMerish]

@Abstract - I raked my pea brain for a bit, but couldn't come up with a better word/description than "crash" :-o

I think we're basically saying the same thing (IDK). Although possibly for you, for people that experience abuse in childhood, there is somewhat of a difference. Because children go through a process of identifying with one's parents - absorbing their emotions (abuse) that fixate that parent or parents within one's self, as you mentioned.

 

[Bluerose]

In my experience, growing healthier doesn’t mean the end of flashbacks. I was led to believe that the healthier we get the more ‘our stuff’ comes to the surface to be dealt with. It’s like the psyche decides that we are now strong enough to work through our stuff. Recognising that that is what is happening along with a good healthy attitude towards healing helps make the process easier. Not realising that only causes more suffering where we don’t actually realise that bit by bit we are getting stronger.