. I feel like people are saying I am dumb and don't understand that people grow and change over time. And that no one is exactly their pre PTSD self, even if their trauma happens in their 20s and 30s.
Sorry Ms Spock as this was obviously me. I didn't mean it in that way at all and am very sorry it felt like I was saying anyone was dumb to think that way.
To be more clear: It is obviously going to be relatively easy to have a sense of identity for someone who has one then has a trauma or some traumas and finds it difficult at that point. Totally and utterly a different story to when there isn't one to start and when there is early trauma. Especially when that is coupled with poor or bad general parenting. I think this does immense harm as it is the absences that are very important as well as the presence of trauma when it comes to a self.
Good parenting at home for a child and then the child has trauma and traumas somewhere else is going to be different to no good parenting and no safe person and trauma. We see it when we look at research on resilience.
It's why we again and again see misunderstandings and differences when it comes to what treatment works and what doesn't and world view and self view of the person.
Relationships for example. Therapy included. Normally are much simpler if there is a self there and isn't all the attachment problems that come up.
In my mind it becomes thousands of times more complex and that varies even more with severity of the traumas and amount of time someone has actually had a traumatic reaction to a trauma. That doesn't in any way discount someone's trauma when it happens later.
So it is going to be much easier for someone with a life story like mine than a life story like yours, Ms Spock, and Hashi's. There is no doubt about it. And that is also why I put my little disclaimer at the top.
I definitely did not have a self though and didn't have the basic things that involved being a person. I initially didn't even have the veneer of normality I donned later on. At school for years I was too afraid to ask to go to the loo and urinated myself every single time. Even aged 12 I would often run away if anyone tried to talk to me. But I my family didn't torture me physically or break my bones and I had food and a respected family and roof over my head, clothes. I even had stories read to me at times.
Sometimes I look at people who have had better parenting and less trauma in their lives for me to see what I can take. As I think it must be easier for them to see the world clearly.
What I was trying to said originally is not in any way about doubting that it is harder and that there is less there to start but rather about what is
helpful. For me it is very unhelpful trying to think of anything that requires undoing what has happened. It links into radical acceptance and mindfulness without which I think I would go nuts.
Even for people who have a self then have a trauma there is no going back. They have that solidity of the past to rest against but thinking about trying to be who they were before seems to torment people.And we don't have to undo or go back and be who we were to have a strong, functional self.
I am merely saying that for me I rather think of finding myself under the trauma, trauma symptoms and dysfunctional parenting and look forward at building a solid me. We are all different and other people might find it helpful to look at it a different way. For me it creates judgement, regret and despair.
It may seem slightly magical but I truly believe that we all have the foundations of that self in there Ms Spock. Even when the most basic parts of it haven't formed. Even we we have no sense of it whatsoever.
I think that for you Ms Spock. You had a start that gave you nothing. And yet you have the ability to have compassion and empathy for others. You need to have some part of a self and be using it to have these. A little like Hashi had zero language before school because noone spoke to her and she only had trauma interaction. And yet she writes and speaks and engages with the world. Language is another aspect of relating to others. Another part of a self. Hope you both don't mind me using you.
So I wasn't saying you were dumb and was rather just saying that for me it is unhelpful. Make more sense?
Here is an analogy: When we are born part of being human is that we have these parts in us that can be put together to form a self. Normally parenting puts these together for us. Very, very few of these have an expiration date for use. Language is one of them. Most remain in there waiting to be used. I like Hashi's use of the word "muddied" as I think trauma muddies the water so we can't even find the parts yet alone know how to use them. But we can do that and we can start parenting ourselves and utilising a therapist as a surrogate parent to help us do so. Sometimes we can be using some of those parts but because of not using others and because of trauma symptoms the water is so muddied we can't even feel or see we are.
So for me it is a case of finding and assembling the parts and having a proper sense of using them when I do so that I have that solidity. Blah blah blah. I shall now stop.
