Relationship She Was Doing So Well And Now...

[TJeks]

My relationship with my girlfriend is a bit hard for me to explain to people. We've been committed to each other for 22 months. But we've only been together for 8. When we met she had such bad anxiety she couldn't be with me. She wanted to be with me, but was too scared. So we Skyped and texted, never met. She was diagnosed with PTSD after she was raped by a group of men. But 8 months ago we concurred that and now we are together.

The first few hours that we were together, she was as - or possibly worse - than I expected. She was too nervous to even look at me or touch me. But she came out of that quickly and that night we were making out on the couch. She stayed the next few nights and we ended up with me touching her (sexually). She told me to. The next day she was extremely upset and wanted to go home. So I took her home. We didn't see each other for a few weeks because she got very nervous again and didn't want to get hurt (raped) again. We worked through that and she came over. She stayed with me for a month. We had sex. I honestly didn't expect to ever have sex with her. It just happened. Then we moved in together.

After that everything changed. All the anxiety and fear just vanished. She acts completely... normal. I didn't expect that. She said it's because when she's with me she just forgets everything else and I make it easier to deal with. Our sex life is amazing, honestly the best I've had. There are some things we don't do, but I'd say our sex life is very normal. She even enjoys it and wants it more often than I do usually. She is fine with my male friends. At first she was too nervous to be around them, she just couldn't do it. Then she was too nervous to be close to them. But now she is fine with them coming inside when I'm not home. Something I never expected.

And then everything changed... I don't know what happened. She suddenly reverted back to how she was before we met. She is always nervous. She doesn't want to go out and when she does she won't go without me and always holds on to me. She is scared at night when I'm not there and can't sleep. She gets nervous when I touch her. We tried to have sex and she was panicking the whole time, so we've stopped (which is fine). She never wants me to leave. Every knock or noise scares her. She is always just zoned out.

What happened? What do I do for her? Is this normal? To be going so well for 8 months that you can't even notice the PTSD to the complete opposite. She isn't in therapy anymore. She was but quit over a year ago. She was in therapy for 4 years and said it didn't help.

 

[rightkindofme]

Yup, with PTSD that can just happen. Pretty much permanently.

What you do is encourage her to find a therapist who would be more helpful for her and maintain your healthy boundaries. Don't get all codependent. (That's hard to avoid if you love someone.)

"Normal" doesn't exist once you have PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Completely normal. We can heal but there is no cure. We can be normal for a period then revert back to being symptomatic.

Please read other supporter stories. You'll see versions of your story repeated-----it was so wonderful at first and then everything changed....

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

To me, I would be so proud of my improvement, I wouldn't pay attention to mounting stress and being overwhelmed until it was all too much. But then I would be ashamed of my failure and scared in case it happened again, either because I started the cycle again or worse because I felt I should because to maintain expectations (read: being a disappointment) for others. So it would be my base instinct to make it all impossible by cutting it all out. If maybe you could let her know that you could go back and she never had to see or engage in your friendships unless she wanted and there would be no pressure from you to do anything now or in the future, maybe she wouldn't feel so bad about having failed you and herself to you and your friends.

If in the future she can do a bit of socialising with you, keep off the pressure and don't do it too often even if she thinks she can handle more. Reinforce the first boundaries you two made, now that they have slipped. All just my opinion. Good luck

 

[DMerish]

Your girlfriend may not realize, or minimizes, that therapy helped. And it sometimes happens that a particular type of therapy isn't helpful after a while. There are different types of therapy methods as well as simple daily activities that one can use to help manage symptoms when they occur, and for some people medication is useful, but for others meds don't do anything.

I concure with what other posters have written. Remove any pressure. Be the best friend she's ever had and encourage her to address what's going on (with or without you, which ever she prefers) so she can "pick up the pieces" again and move forward. Healing PTSD is a two steps forward, one step back type of thing with occasionally getting one's foot stuck in a sink hole. Sometimes one needs to fight to get the foot out, at other times one needs to entirely relax (taking the pressure off of most regular life activities, relationships, etc.), and at other times one needs to seek outside help to get the foot unstuck.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Something triggered her and I am sure she is feeling awful for letting you down. It sounds like she has been working very hard to make you happy but just couldn't do it anymore for some reason. The stress must have been huge for her to manage as well as she was.

She is fine with my male friends. At first she was too nervous to be around them, she just couldn't do it. Then she was too nervous to be close to them. But now she is fine with them coming inside when I'm not home.

If and when things start getting better again, I think you need to talk with your friends and end the whole deal with them coming around when you are not home. She is a rape survivor and this is just too much to expect her to deal with. With you she feels safe but that doesn't mean she feels safe with every man. I'm not saying your friends would do anything, but all it would take is a statement, a look or a movement that reminds her of the rape and she is right back in that moment. She should feel safe in her own home. Even if she tells you it's ok that they come around, don't do it. She obviously wants to be 'normal' for you but the cost to her own well-being is too high.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

With you she feels safe but that doesn't mean she feels safe with every man

And just because she does one day, she may not more than once in a blue moon, or even if she has no problem most of the time, one day - for practically no reason, it might be just too much and she needs to know that's ok, and ideally for it not to reach that in the first place.

 

[Seeking Inner Peace]

There are reasons of course, but it feels as if there's no logic or reasoning doesn't it. As others said, one day is fine and there's no signs of problems. She probably felt normal and felt good. But, some (seemingly) small trigger can bring it all back and she feels terrified and that she has zero control. Because the unthinkable happened to her. The impossible. You can't un-experience the lack of control of the one thing you SHOULD have control over. What REALLY sucks is that you can't fix things for her. But, you can re-assure her (again... as always) that you will have her back and that you both, TOGETHER (as in she has as much say), 50/50, decide when things are right and ok to do whatever it is you want to do. And, that in your relationship SHE gets to decide what happens to her body. That you always have both of your safety in mind, and you will back her up. I agree with other people - definitely ask your friends to only come over when you're there. While it's unhealthy for you NOT to have your friends over when you're there (it's your life and house too), there's no reason they can't stay away when you're not there. There was a time when I would still have people over when I'm alone just to show and convince everyone (including myself) that I can do it and that I'm "normal". And, most days it would be normal and fine, but there's no telling when it won't feel normal and I'd feel panicked. It sets back progress to let it get there and makes her feel un-safe in her own home - the one place people usually feel safe.

The MOST important thing for her is to GET THERAPY. She's not damaged. She's not wrong. Even though she feels like it, her responses are NORMAL given her experiences. But, she doesn't have to feel so miserable. She can find better coping to enjoy life more. To let these set backs be small set backs instead of reverting to old behaviors. They'll still happen, but maybe shorter periods of time and less despair associated with them. Easier to manage. *hugs* It's a difficult job loving someone who has had these experiences.