Don't Know How To Get Through This

[Deleted member 1860]

A year and no coping strategies? You honestly think that this guy is a good fit? I don't care if you had crisis' 24/7. The very basic thing is to learn coping skills. The reason why the crisis is never ending is simply because you have no coping skills! It's easier to put the fire out before it turns into an inferno. Coping skills would have helped you from the beginning.

I'm also shocked that an entire year in and you're still emailing him daily. He set you up to fail. He created an unhealthy dependence.

It's been a year. Time to jump ship.

Is he trained in dual diagnosis patients? If not, perhaps your next therapist should be.

 

[Jane.l]

@digger - He wants me to write a detailed account of my flashbacks so we can work on them but right now even thinking about it makes me want to throw up and even when we are in a good place it's going to be a huge deal.

I get quite paranoid - even writing this is really making me anxious incase my ex or my T reads it - I know that's not going to happen but even so I worry about it !?!

@Solara I think you have made a lot of valid points thank you - and I need to try and look at it without all the emotion I have attached to it - I am scared he is not who I thought he was but maybe that's me being paranoid again

I think I need to go and try to actually talk to him tomorrow and see what sense I can make of things then.

Thanks for your help. It has made me calm down and look at things differently .

 

[digger]

Then I think you definitely need to discuss grounding and coping skills with him so that you feel more comfortable and more confident in your ability to do that. Writing it down in detail is never going to be easy, but it might be easier if you have the knowledge that you are able to stop and ground yourself before continuing again.

Small steps. This is your journey, go at your pace.

 

[Hashi]

He wants me to write a detailed account of my flashbacks so we can work on them

Jane, I'm worried about why your therapist is pushing to do this when you're in crisis and have extremely poor coping skills. It doesn't make any sense. I really don't recommend it.

What sort of therapist is he - eg counsellor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist? What type of therapy does he practice - eg CBT, EMDR, talk therapy, exposure therapy etc? How long has been practising, and how much experience does he have with trauma and PTSD?

Everything you've said here about him as a therapist is worrying me. Please pause, take a breath and consider whether seeing him is appropriate for you.

 

[franciemarnie]

I agree with @Hashi. I don't like the sound of his pushing you with writing detailed accounts of your flashbacks. You might get the book The Body Remembers. The author T shows how important it is to be careful with trauma patients so that therapy doesn't become trauma inducing. She only goes forward when the patient is ready and pulls her back to a safe place the moment she feels in peril.

This guy may have been what you needed before, but maybe not so much anymore. His feelings should not be the focus and concern. Your well being is what is vital here.

 

[Lost Pup]

Your experience reminds me a little bit of a therapist that I worked with for several years after my initial diagnosis. She made herself extremely available to me when I was in major distress and, consciously or not, allowed me to become extremely dependent on her. Later on in therapy, there was a day when she unloaded on me by yelling at the top of her lungs. I quit soon after and, let me tell you, was it ever hard to break ties with her.

From one side, in what you have written, I see some similar patterns and they concern me. However, from another side, to be blunt, I don't fully trust your reporting of the interpersonal dynamic. Not because I don't trust your intelligence or integrity but because I am responding to my own memory of how very deep old feelings got transferred onto my own therapeutic relationship. It sounds like you've gone through hell during the time you've been working with this guy and, if alcohol is involved, the way you've perceived it may be cloudy. Additionally, I have had a therapist ask me to check in by email once a day and, in that context for me, it didn't hinder my independence.

My own feeling is that people in this thread have jumped a bit quickly to making proclamations and judgments about your therapist based on limited info. Would it work for you to sit down with him and talk solely about your relationship with him and how it is (clearly, I think) triggering old feeling of dependence, trust, abandonment, etc.? I hope that is something that is possible. I suspect it would give you a better read on whether or not he is the right person for you. I strongly suspect that if you were able to say face-to-face: "I am experiencing you as angry at me and as duplicitous in not acknowledging this to me," it would open up a productive conversation.

I guess I think that, given the level of our shared trust issues and hypervigilance to abuse and betrayal, a room full of PTSD sufferers stands to drive a wedge between you and your T. That could either be extremely useful or potentially very damaging to your well-being.

Either way, I am so sorry for the fear you are feeling right now. I read a lot of shame over your behavior in what you've written, and, although you say self-compassion is hard for you, I hope you can find a way to be kind, gentle and forgiving with yourself.

Best of luck

 

[Pencil]

My own feeling is that people in this thread have jumped a bit quickly to making proclamations and judgments about your therapist based on limited info.

I couldn't agree with you more.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks for your response it's all helpful .

@Hashi he is a counsellor , CBT and EMDR he has experience in ptsd, and sexual abuse he is fairly young but it doesn't show - he is always willing to think out of the box with me - we often walk and talk to try and keep in the moment - rather than me staring at the walls of his office . He is willing to try anything i think might help . i think his flashback suggestion is not good until we fix things - but I do want to try and fix things .

@franciemarnie thanks for your book suggestion I will take a look - I agree doing things before I am ready ie now could be very damaging but actually I find it so hard on a good day I think it just won't happen until things are more stable.

@Lost Pup thank you - I do believe my T is generally a very good thing for me and yes I agree we need to discuss whats going on, it's not easy to talk about having such intense feelings for someone. I knew to let him in and to let my barriers down I would be making myself vulnerable and in turn I would care , about him and the relationship - what I didn't realise was quite how much or how painful that would sometimes be but also I have to remember that he has got me through some very dark days and I have in terms of the past got way further than I thought possible. I really hope we can work this out because I am not starting again - I am only doing this once

 

[Lost Pup]

I am not starting again - I am only doing this once

Not to nitpick but I feel obliged to add: I said the same thing about the therapist I described above and I was so pissed I had to "start over." However....my current therapist is infinitely, infinitely better at his job and has helped me so very dramatically. I am so glad to have switched. Is your current T a PHD? I did not take seriously the difference between MA and PHD level therapists until I worked with him. Seems like for really entrenched trauma, it makes a big difference.

 

[Jane.l]

He has a masters level degree in CBT and a honours degree in psychology. I really have to say up till now I think we have worked well together and I am happy with his methods and I trust him and majorly important I feel safe with him. I am just totally bewildered by his sudden change of attitude and response to me. Although I acknowledge my behaviour was wrong and hurtful.

And I am hearing you and glad you have someone that works better for you and never say never but I do think this is it for me .

 

[ms spock]

I have started over multiple times. You might or might not need to do this.

Grounding skills and coping skills are really important and basic because otherwise you aren't learning to contain your own emotions and feelings. You have no basis on with to do deeper work.

Perhaps work on getting other support systems in your life. Even if they are basic like sitting in a library and reading a book around people. Or going to a cafe and ordering a hot beverage and being around people. Start gradually and start to build up being around people.

You don't have to tell people what is going on for you. You can join a couple of groups such as Tai Chi or bellydancing or do some other activities where you have non threatening contact with people.

I had therapists that encouraged dependency and one moved in with me, one knocked my front teeth out whilst we were in a relationship and the other got me to write essays for his students struggling at university. The outcomes weren't good for me.

 

[ms spock]

Jane, I'm worried about why your therapist is pushing to do this when you're in crisis and have extremely poor coping skills. It doesn't make any sense. I really don't recommend it.

That is actually quite dangerous.

I think it falls under negligence as well.

You don't open Pandora's Box until the client can contain herself.