General Are Most Combat Trained Ptsd Sufferers Aware Of Nasty Messages They Send After An Episode?

[Snow_angel]

I am new at this site, so bare with me :)

I have been on/off with a former marine, for the last ten years, in a very special friendship. We were romantically involved for 3-4 years and he voiced how he felt for me. Yet, he was so "covert" about everything that it was a casual romance, where he could come or go as he pleased. We started out as chat buddies. Neither of us expected to fall in love. Then, we drifted for a few years & reconnected again. While time has elapsed, feelings have not. Therefore, the friendship has been very 'real', to say the least. I have managed to gain trust and have him open up more about himself, his life.

I am an assertive & caring person. I am very communicative, he promised me never to change this about myself. He also laughs a lot with me because I am a bit of a dork and very spontaneous with my personality. The chemistry is magnetic. We have all kinds of chats. I practice open chat, never judge. I am playful and can be very spontaneous so it has worked for us.

Yet, since I witnessed an episode in person, about two months ago, which I reacted to by remaining very calm & actually diffused him by sincerely asking, with tears (could not help it) why he did not want to be loved...

He calmed down, we had a long drive ahead of us, so I just began talking about anything & everything. I have this calming/balance effect on him, in person or on the phone. I am not the trigger.

My post today pertains to emails & text messages. I have learned to filter the emails so that I will not read them, as he knows that the pen is mightier than the sword to me. The dark stagnant energy, as we call it, as he is not comfortable using PTSD (combat vet) yet, as a label, apparently enjoys getting a response from me. He knows how to push my buttons.

He is usually good at writing, "I need to take some space now", but I guess this last eruption caught him on really a bad day.

With the iPhone, I had not turned off my "read receipt" (which allows your covert operative to see that his message has been read by you or at least opened). I opened one. Ignored it, as I was driving and knew he was in a shift, as I call it. I was subject to some pretty nasty text messages & very hurtful ones at that. VERY hurtful.

He was really trying to provoke a response, to the point I voiced that I was not opening anymore that I was not into this behavior from him. He eventually stopped, 15 texts later.

I loved the articles that Anthony, (from this site) had. I think the cup analogy will be a wonderful topic of discussion as I always hear from my pal when the storm passes.

Yet, regardless of my open heart, my understanding, my emotion for him, etc... I cannot help but wonder if a sufferer realizes the nasty stuff they write, that often is just so angry & evil, directed to hurt. I know how there is a great release to click on send. Writing is a great catharsis.

I voiced that I still 143 & was not taking it personally, to not add that to his plate to stress about, that he could call me if he wanted to talk.

Yet, call me curious, I wonder if a sufferer is aware of their words after an episode...

 

[jmm214407]

Not generally. A sufferer acts and reacts. So for example you ignored his text. He must of been having a bad day. Which your ignore caused a reaction. This isn't your fault tho. You see in PTSD we sufferers react in a way we react in a way we only know how. And that's full on attack mode the shitty part is we don't think before we do. And it causes us to hurt the people we care for.

Hurt or say things we don't mean. I know in my past I have called my fiance some mean things. And later after the raging reaction I felt so stupid for saying them to her.

On a more serious note, he doesn't want to say he has PTSD yet. That's the first problem. He is in denial abour that and until he sees it he's going to continue to hurt you. So I bluntly say to you either make him get help with you by his side. Or GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!! Cause he in time will only hurt you worse. Trust me I know. I wish I would have known way sooner so I could have gotten help and not hurt my fiance. :'(

 

[BeatenMan]

Could Alcohol have been a factor in this episode? Just asking, just this past weekend I was having a meltdown, drank way to much to cope, and in that process sent a hateful hateful email. The next day i opened my email, I was like OH Sh!t!!!! I had no recollection of what I had done. I think this was more of an effect of alcohol and antidepressants than the PTSD but just a maybe. Id never done anything like that. Like JMM said, if he wont admit or get help you are in for a long long haul. Hes just going to spiral downward im afraid.

 

[jmm214407]

A lot of the times when you involve alcohol a lot of things come out that you didn't want to. However you need to identify if these were results of anger and alcohol or true feelings bottling up inside you? And the alcohol gave you the guts to express them.

 

[BeatenMan]

Oh they were no doubt true feelings that were bottled up. I definitly couldnt have expressed myself so well sober. I just wasnt intending to share those feelings with that person just yet for other reasons. To late though, whiskey did the talking. So I guess my point is negligible Snow Angel, sorry.

 

[jmm214407]

Well then your first step is to one apologise for saying things in THE WAY you did. But then say why you felt them and what caused them. One thing I learned from my fiance is that you need to communicate so that these things don't get bottled up cause well, what happens to a volcano? It holds so much till it can't anymore and it explodes in a destructive way. Same thing with people. If you truly love her you'll find a way to work it out... And if she loves you she'll listen... Hopefully

 

[Snow_angel]

He was drinking in excess & trying to numb himself. I saw that from the spelling of some words. I feel that his antidepressants are not for him either. He only takes one to sleep at night. I just feel I was in the line of fire and assumed I could reason with him. In person and via text are so different, no doubt.

After all this time, the fact that I am like the only one who knows why he carries that guilt at soul level, the fact he lost so many and one in particular who he was really tight with (and has had other health challenges), the fact he reaches out to me, on days when his cup is not full, I am not a runner. I would never turn my back on him. But, the insight is great. I appreciate it. Understanding that the combat training brain & the ptsd brain are different, helps me more :)

I now understand why he says that he loves me but hates that he misses me, that I'm under his skin. A civilian mind typically does not see emotion as a weakness. He tells me how vulnerable he feels because of how much he loves me. I think that reading something often works better for him. I agree though... He needs to understand what he has. He served...gosh, I am guessing about 20 years ago.

It makes me wonder if PTSD can be triggered later after a mission...

 

[jmm214407]

PTSD isn't wine. It only gets worse as time goes on. I've done awful horrible things to my fiance. I've lied about the most retarded things. Lied about family about money about work about women about my age! I never physically cheated on her but i did talk to and send inappropriate pics of myself to women and they sent me too.

She was no saint she lied for another man who was her best friend for 20 years or so. But at the same time she still slept with him a month prior to us getting together. However the punishment doesn't fit the crime. However her crime was a trigger. Luckily I can identify triggers so that I can act in a positive way and not a negative. My PTSD is still an active issue. But I am learning to control it. The only problem is, I've lost my family in the process.

Well I don't know for a fact but its not looking to good for me at this point. She means more to me than anyone in the world and her kids. I am not telling you to stay with him cause he has PTSD and you feel bad for him. But if you love him support him while still keeping a distance. At this point he feels that when yiu cry for helo you'll open up. I know I thought the same way. I love my ex fiance more than ever. And believe it or not her being so stand offish and distant has made me a lil stronger. But I don't want to live my life without her. Stay strong you'll figure it out.

I'm herr if you need anything. Believe it or not but helping you helps me too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

"It makes me wonder if PTSD can be triggered later after a mission..."

You could be traumatized at birth and triggered into full blown PTSD when you're 90. There's no real rhyme or reason why some are symptomatic soon after the trauma and others don't develop PTSD until years later. It's called delayed onset PTSD and I have it. It came 25 years after my trauma. So yes, to answer your question, PTSD can be triggered after a mission.

 

[jmm214407]

I've been out of the military since 2008 so yes my PTSD is slightly delayed. Cause its never been this bad.

 

[Snow_angel]

A lot of the times when you involve alcohol a lot of things come out that you didn't want to. However you need to identify if these were results of anger and alcohol or true feelings bottling up inside you? And the alcohol gave you the guts to express them.

I get that. But, what he wrote about was night and day from the evening before. Most was just to get me to react. So tell me, jmm214407, if the feelings via text are pretty much just jealousy (as in me talking with other friends or such) or because I did not respond to the gibberish, knowing he was drinking etc, you are saying that for you, even if let's say, I am not a trigger, it makes more sense for me not to be myself and write/chat with you (ie treat you normally a few days later)?

 

[jmm214407]

You need to talk about it. Figure out why or what caused him to say those things. You need to honestly ask yourself if you cam forgive him for saying those things to you.

And you ALWAYS need to be yourself. Dont be someone your not. You need him to love YOU for YOU. Not who he imagined you are