Should Your Therapist Have Certain Things In Common With You?

[Life_in_the_Mist]

I am talking about things like gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, when they relate to the issues or trauma you are discussing. For example, would it be better for a female survivor of abuse by a male to have a female therapist? For someone who has been bullied due to sexual orientation to have a gay therapist? For a veteran to talk to someone with the same experience?

What are your experiences/opinions on this? How do you build trust when you are not sure your T can ever understand where you are coming from?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It may help, but one doesn't always have that choice. I would have preferred a male therapist every time, but there are so very few male trauma therapists, at least in my area.

I think in a way that it helped me to have a female therapist in that I had to force myself to trust them in a way. I had to work against my mistrust and prejudices.

I just realized that I have been accused of being a difficult client (in perhaps not so many words) by other people here on the board. In fact, it boils down to difficulty in working with female therapists. Next time it happens I'll be sure to turn it around on them just to make them think.... I mean it wouldn't be questioned if a woman (who was raped by a man) felt uncomfortable with a male therapist, yet I am questioned when it simply comes down to the fact that I had no choice but to see a female therapist. (Realizing this makes me feel so much better, to be honest. I thought it was a flaw in me in that I was in general a difficult, untreatable client when the issue truly boiled down to the gender of the therapist!)

I am looking for a new therapist, but not a trauma therapist. Males are really the only ones I am seriously considering.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I dont think it matters. Trauma differs patient to patient. Injury differs patient to patient in an ER. A therapist is a Dr of Psychology just like a cancer specialist is a Dr of Oncology.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I am not a PTSD sufferer, but am in therapy and was a supporter and I believe it is different for everyone. I believe if you have serious issues or triggers involving the opposite sex, I would think a same sex therapist would be easier, but it will never be easy.

I don't think anyone can find a therapist that will truely identify with their specific background or issues, but, if you are lucky, you can find one that will have the training and capacity for compassion that can lead to trust. Again, just my opinion.

 

[Julesnaz]

I think it depends on the person. I prefer a woman therapist. I know that my friend with combat ptsd prefers a vet.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

things like gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation,

I am female, my therapist is male. I prefer it that way. Ethnicity...We are clearly both white but I am Midwestern and he is a Southern; sometimes that clashes. His religion has not come up and I don't ask. He is married to a woman but he could be bisexual for all I know; I haven't asked about his sexual orientation.

I don't ask about my therapist personal life. The things I know he has volunteered. For example I didn't even ask him if he had any children. I know he has a son becasue he mentioned him.

The things we have in common...Truth. Honestly. Morals. Being straight forward. I think these are more important.

 

[Barconian]

If you and your therapist can relate... You are on a good path :)

 

[BLHutch]

I don't know. I guess it depends on what your preferences are. When you are a cop with PTSD, finding a therapist who was a cop is difficult, but not impossible. I actually decided to go to a female therapist since I felt like I would be more comfortable talking to her. Also, she had a son who came back from Iraq with PTSD issues and so she had seen firsthand what it is like to live around a person suffering from it. That made me more comfortable. I went to enough sessions to get myself over the hump, or so I thought. Lately I've been considering going back. It just gets expensive and dealing with insurance is a pain in the butt. However, I'm glad I found the one that I did. I think as long as you feel that you can trust them then it really doesn't matter how much you may have in common.

 

[Abstract]

I suspect it depends how well the therapist manages to keep their own stuff out of the therapeutic space and manage counter transference. It must be hard sometimes.

There are a lot of things that would make it impossible for me to see a therapist with different views. If they started to refer to religion in relation to me such as blessing me or bringing up the bible; if they started trying to push me to take homoeopathic medication etc, if they were bigoted and closed minded. If they keep these things out of therapy then that would be fine for me.

I think it depends how intuitive they are and how much we can connect. I am fine if they have a different sexual orientation, have different beliefs, are a veteran, as long as they can still empathise and connect with me.

I couldn't have a male t at present even though a female t brings other issues to the fore. It may benefit me to have one in the future to work through some of that stuff but I am not ready for that now.

 

[Abstract]

boils down to difficulty in working with female therapists

I think you will find it very helpful if you discuss difficulties in those terms Solara. It's important for us to have awareness of why and what we are reacting to rather than generalising. I am not commenting on past threads as I don't know about those and just commenting on what you have said here.

If someone is triggered by having a male t and yet discusses some other problem with the t without mentioning this then people will respond accordingly. If they are however aware that that is what is causing trouble and discuss that then people can support them more effectively. Sounds like a good realisation though! :tup:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

There are a lot of things that would make it impossible for me to see a therapist with different views.

I agree with this. My 2nd therapist was very sure that my husband was very angry with me that I was not a virgin when we married. She found out he was Indian and Muslim and just based that on stereotypes and prejudice. She had never met him. But she was sure about this to the point of arguing with me. For the record my husband has never ever said anything like that to me. She just assumed that he was a backwards, uneducated person from a third world: my husband has a PhD and is more open minded then most Americans I know.

That still makes me upset just thinking about it! Her forcing her view points and stupidity at me was too much and crossing my boundaries.

My current therapist: Yes, if he started talking a lot about his religion it would make me uncomfortable but he never has.

My psychiatrist: I think she is of my religion but we don't talk about that. It's not a social call and I don't want to know her personal details. She doesn't judge me and I will admit that that almost made me not make a first appointment becasue I was afraid she would. My own prejudice I guess.

 

[Hashi]

I think if your therapist has a characteristic that you have very negative associations about, such as trauma/gender associations, then that may be something that's too big and it's best simply avoided.

Sometimes, it can work the other way. I never thought I'd be able to see a male therapist because I'm female and have been traumatised by men. I knew intellectually that only a few men are bad, but it was hard to feel that. However, I ended up seeing a male somatic therapist, and that involved touch. Against my expectations, it was actually very healing that he was male. On a conscious and an unconscious level it did a lot to change the way I reacted to men as a result of trauma. .

Apart from that, I think it's always an issue not to let the therapist's identity as a person get in the way of therapy. On both sides - both the therapist and the client need to work this. I say identity meaning to include characteristics like race, their possible biases, judgements and opinions, their personality, their own experiences and their life situation. That's why it's good to know as little about a therapist as possible.

It could be anything. I've struggled the most with thinking about how financially secure my therapists are, compared to me.

I don't think it's necessary for a therapist to have similar experiences in their personal background. I think that can possibly have an unhelpful effect as well as a helpful one. It can be harder to be a "blank book" for your client if you have your own history around something. You might also have sensitivities (triggers, if you want to call them that) that a therapist without that background might not have.

How do you build trust when you are not sure your T can ever understand where you are coming from?

Even if a T has some similarities to you there's no guarantee they'll understand where you're coming from. Just because there's a similar experience or background doesn't mean they have the same reactions or give things the same meaning. Just because someone's from the same cultural group (culture in a broad sense - sexuality, race, gender, class, life choices etc) doesn't mean you'll always think alike or share the same views anyway.

A good T can understand where you're coming from by listening to you and hearing you. It's not a requirement that in some way they "are" you, ie that they have things in common with you personally.