Am I Dissociating?

[FindingMyself88]

Ok, for a couple of weeks I have been noticing that when I get anxious or stressed, I start to "zone out". Like in Chemistry class the other day I starting thinking about getting up and going outside to take a short break to see if I could calm down. Well that made me think about people noticing me leave and so I got more anxious. Then it was like I just completely zoned out…thank goodness for a recording device :/. I wasn't thinking about anything, I just felt myself staring at one object. There are more times like that. I can't concentrate even when I want to when this happens!

Then today It happened on a worse level in therapy. Some of you may have read my post about group therapy Tuesday (surprised it didn't happen then). Anyways, I was talking to my regular T about the situation and was crying. I told her about next week being 6 yrs since my mom sold the only animal (person to me) that has ever mattered to me. It's sad when a horse's love is the only thing that kept me from committing suicide and then my mom sells him with no warning, but anyways…I can't even type more, Im crying again already.

All of a sudden I just quit talking to my T. It is common when I'm upset for me to lower my head to talk, but normally I will lift it when I finish. I just completely zoned out. I know I was having an anxiety attack because I couldn't breathe properly. Normally when I zone out, sudden noises or movements will catch me, but it wasn't this time. My T had to come towards me and almost touch me before I came back. She allowed me to calm down before releasing me with the "homework" of talking with my group T about the situation from Tuesday.

I noticed when I got outside that I was shaking, mostly in my arms and my right leg. I have had a headache all day, but noticed it was also worse after therapy (which that could be from crying and attack). I guess what I am asking is, is am I dissociating when I zone out? and is the shaking apart of it or maybe tremors left over after anxiety (never happened before, unless anxiety was still happening)? I checked my blood sugar when I got home to see if it was that, but its normal for me.

Any help is appreciated, I don't go back to see my psychiatrist until Feb. 11...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, zoning out is a form of dissociation. The truth is that everyone dissociates to some degree. It isn't a "disorder" until it interferes with normal life.

 

[Abstract]

Zoning out is dissociative trance and can be mild or very deep. People who have anxiety disorders also tend to dissociate when they have high anxiety and it can be linked to depression too.

The shaking isn't related. Would it help to think of the dissociation as a helpful indicator of how hight your anxiety is? What you don't want to do is have your thoughts about dissociation heighten your anxiety further. Dissociation is a bit like a safety valve for your mind where it switches off or separates a bit if it is overwhelmed.

Shaking can be a reaction to anxiety and it can also be a way of your body releasing trauma energy. Hope that helps.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks @Solara and @Abstract , that really does help. It does seem to happen at times where I am very anxious or stressed out. Now thinking back, I've done it a lot over the past several years. I KNEW I did it as a child and teenager, when the abuse and trauma was going on as a defense mechanism, but I didn't know that that is what is happening now. Up until now, I always got mad at myself for doing it in class, thought I was just being a slacker, but I couldn't help it. Thankfully now with Disability Services I can take a recorder to class, so when I do dissociate, I don't miss the lecture…

It does help to think of it like that, but its just frustrating that I can't stop it, because it DOES interfere. Right now I'm not working due to health issues, but when I was working, it would cause me to loose focus, mess up, and also be startled when someone came up behind me (also caused by hyper vigilance). I'm seriously thinking of stepping down from management when I do go back, because it's just not fair to my team.

 

[Abstract]

I always got mad at myself for doing it in class, thought I was just being a slacker,

I actually didn't even have the awareness to know something was off until recent years (I am 47). I just had a sense of great shame and self aimed anger because I did not function at school. Some classes I would literally only have a few pages from the year at the end of it. I would zone out all the time. I just thought I was stupid and lazy and had a general sense of me being wrong in some fundamental way. I know realise dissociation stole my education away from me.

Do you know about grounding exercises? We can learn to control dissociation.

Do you think others see you the way you do in your work environment? I ask because I think we are often very harsh with ourselves and only notice the faults. I have to say though that stepping down the amount of managing I did has helped me be more stable.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with Abstract. Dissociation can be controlled with practice. Do you know grounding skills? Many are easy to do and nobody even needs to know you're using them.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Hey sorry guys I've been in and out of the Emergency room this weekend. Currently waiting now. Anyways, I do use grounding skills for my anxiety and have tried for the dissociation but it hasn't worked yet

 

[Abstract]

Good luck! What have you tried for grounding?

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks, had the worst dr ever! She honestly sent me into a panic attack. And still no answer for my pain. I have kept anything down in 3 days and her answer was to give me a medication that doesn't work for me. When I told her so she said that I was allergic to the other main one and that she couldn't do anything else for me. I am so upset right now it's not funny.

Anyways I use several:

Playing with hamster
Noting colors or objects around me
Pinching and rubbing legs
Twisting hair band on arm or popping it
Playing with anything else I can put in my hands