Poll What Gender Was The Perpetrator/s Of Your Sexual Abuse?

[Lady of Longbourn]

could it also be about how far you have let the emotions out?

Can you explain this question?

 

[Abstract]

explain

Let me see if I can express that better. I know for me that with some things there was a time when I didn't feel anything negative connected and yet later that changed totally. I realise now I supressed those feelings and split them off. That may not be the case for a lot of people though and please know I was just throwing a few things out there to try on for size.

 

[Abstract]

But such is the brain my trauma created. Always trying to understand why.

Very true Franciemarnie! I find it is an obsession for me. My mind thinks I will be safer if I understand. In fact I edited my answer to @digger1 question and added something to that effect earlier!

evaluate who is safe and who isn't and how to figure it out.

That's an excellent example of indirect abuse by the way. I know someone whose best friend set her boyfriend up to rape her and then sat aside whilst it happened.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I totally understand @Abstract. I believe my therapist wants that to be thought through, I know he doesn't agree with me. I take up the thinking challenge. :)

 

[Seasounds]

Both: primarily my mother, who also directed my father, into participating. Having abuse by both genders did add another complexity (i.e. insanity-no dock to tether my boat.)

There was betrayal by mother, who not only failed to protect me but was primary abuser, and who demanded my father's participation. No parent was safe, no gender was safe to befriend, or to bond with, in childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood. With no gender safety it took much time and self-awareness to figure out my own authentic 'gender' preference (had to sort through the abuse first).

A lot of times, due to sexual abuse, there may be an arousal response to the gender who raped you, not because it is your gender preference, but because it was/is still a habituated response that accompanied the abuse-with that gender.

My saving grace, the gem at the bottom of the mine, was my paternal grandmother. During my early years of abuse, she was my primary caretaker. Due to that secure relationship, (after sorting through all the parental abuse memories), I found the small but significant core of internal physical and psychological safety, that she provided me, and that I internalized-thank goodness. I owe my sanity and personhood (including the ability/safety to discover my own gender preference) to her, and to my own hard work.

A footnote: @Abstract: As I always enjoy and benefit from your posts, when asking personal questions, it would help me, and maybe others, to first give your own interest/reason, for asking the question. This gives your good questions a context, and they won't, initially, seem so invasive or so off the wall. Thanks for this question and the opportunity to share, write, and heal, on this topic. :)

 

[InsideAWord]

While incarcerated -- abusers were female, possible male sexual harassment

I'm a female.

 

[InsideAWord]

It made me afraid to be alone. I'm sorry that I can't give more insight as the trauma is still new and I'm still processing it. But, yeah -- it was a strange mix of agoraphobia and and not wanting to be alone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Female.

I love being around guys, women---not so much. In a way I'm glad that it's this way, instead of being fearful/hateful of men. I mean it is relatively easy for me to talk to guys, make guy friends, etc. If things were reversed, I'd have yet another obstacle to overcome. I mean, at least this way There's less chance of becoming a crazy old cat lady (perish the thought...). Lol. I can't even imagine the reverse, that is being fearful of men, given that they're the physically stronger and larger of the sexes. I find men to be safe, both emotionally and physically. I don't look for a protector/savior, but at the same time I love feeling physically safe in the arms of a larger guy because yes, if threatened, the truth is that he *could* protect me.

 

[InsideAWord]

The female perpetrators pursued indirect sexual abuse (pulling at my clothes, threats, unwanted attention in the shower, flashing) and I'm pretty sure that if I had stayed there any longer, then something horrible was going to happen. It wasn't just 1 -- it was a bunch of them. I underwent one event of physical abuse when I told them to stop -- slap across the face, pile on -- it was basically a blurr because I fainted during the fight.

The male sexual harassment -- during my strip search during intake, unwanted attention from the male inmates who were staring at me through their windows, flashing. Some of the male guards were making jokes about wanting me because I overheard one of the male guards call me hott. I was disgusted and I actually vomited into my toilet when I heard them.

I was being treated like cattle.

 

[Madhather]

Both - When I first read this I thought male but then some part of my brain started yelling that isn't true, the mother was an abuser and so was a female babysitter. Strange how the mind hides things that we don't wish to see.

 

[InsideAWord]

I was also physically abused by my father in my childhood for a little bit more than a decade, so I've always been distrustful of men. Always. and still, unfortunately. That prolonged event, however, did not result in PTSD.

 

[Abstract]

my brain started yelling that isn't true,

That happens to me too! I get so confused so often.