I Think About It Everyday

[InsideAWord]

I have to talk about it because it's becoming a huge issue... it's been so for almost 5 months.

I daydream about my suicide, whether it is a passing thought or a culminating nightmare that I can't seem to snap out of.

I feel as though everyone would benefit if I just left their lives. My mother, my sister, my brother, my boyfriend (whom I haven't spoken about on here save for my trauma diary.) No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make anyone happy. And, when I can't make anyone happy, then that makes me unhappy.

I have zero self worth. I'm overweight yet I will run five miles five days out of the week for my health and eat primarily fruits and veetables. I haven't lost a pound. I think about good I'll feel if I restrict my diet.

I never act on my suicidal ideation nor do I think I ever will -- but it is there. It is always gnawing at the back of my imagination during everything I do. And I think about how much better everyone else's lives would be if mine would just end. How many headaches would finally stop if I was gone.

I always feel worthless. Even when I write unit plans or papers for class and earn an A, I know that what I wrote is shit. Because it always is.

I pick at the skin on my stomach, push it in, stand straight, suck it in, push my shoulders back, and imagine how much better I would look if I was thin.
I look at how my voice sounds, the crap I say, and the lengths I'll go to to be the life of the party when in fact I'm just some obnoxious 20 something who doesn't know anything and who probably is just seeking some positive attention.

I don't know what my purpose is for being here -- not here on the forum, but here as in existing. I feel ready to cash in my chips, but I keep holding out for more. But, is there more? I'm trying -- I'm trying so damn hard with school, with work, with therapy -- but the pain never goes away. And the suicide fantasies never go away.

 

[Ryn]

:( ((hugs)) if okay.

Thank you for your courage in posting this. I understand, at least enough to tell you you are not alone. I know so many of us do. Reading your post made me so sad for you, and so angry at things and people that could dare hurt a person so badly... nobody is meant to feel like this. What you're going through is more than valid. I resonate with so much of what you said, including the feeling useless to family, like it would be better if I were gone, feeling worthless because of my weight and failed dieting attempts, feeling shitty about A papers, and generally hating every bit about myself and my existence. I hear you. I hear you when you say you are trying, I really do - and as much as it feels like it, I believe your efforts are not in vain. I am so sorry for your pain, though. It sucks! It just sucks. So very, very much. :cry:

But I am so glad you are here. On this forum, and alive in the world. Because you're certainly not worthless. I know it's so hard to believe anyone anymore, but trust me - you are beautiful. And you are needed.

I don't know if it will help at all, but I'll share a tiny bit of my story. Last September/October, I was suicidal. I felt exactly like you described, and even though I too believed I'd never act on it, I got to a point where I was genuinely terrified I would. I was so, so desperate for an escape - suicide was permeating my mind and my every thought. There came a day where I reached a crisis point - I couldn't handle it any longer, I *knew* I couldn't. I was going to kill myself that night. I just was. I was beyond hopeless.

My best friend ended up saving my life that night. By the time a few weeks had passed, I knew I had to do something, and it was either going to be try to kill myself again (and succeed this time) or swear I would never kill myself and eliminate that option forever, because I could NOT deal with suicide lingering anymore. That forever-open door had to be slammed shut whether that took life or death, because it was terrifying me to no end. I ended up making the biggest decision of my life - the decision to live.

I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm magically better because of that. In many ways I am worse, and part of me still wishes suicide was an option. And I know it is vastly different for everyone. But I cannot describe to you the *peace* I felt when I signed that contract and got suicide out of my life. Living day-to-day and surviving the dark nights changed from the terrifying "I might not survive to see tomorrow morning" to the simple, resolute question of "suicide is not an option, so all that remains is: how can I get through this until tomorrow morning?"

For me it was a matter of timing, I guess. I didn't reach that point quickly, ha, not at all. But the important bit here is that on that one day, I was 100% convinced I couldn't do it. And you know what? I'm still here. And I am glad I am here. I am so so glad that I am here. Yes, at times I still despise myself, still feel like a fat useless waste of space, still struggle daily - but I am glad I am here. Because to answer your question - yes, there is more. Things WILL get better. Keep holding out - it will be worth it. Promise. :hug:

Again: you are needed. You are not a mistake; your existence is not a mistake. I wish I could magically implant an outsider's perspective into your beautiful head, but you will just have to trust me on this. :)

I wish we could do more to help you than offer you words. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk to someone! I will be praying for strength and courage for you. God bless. You are worth.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make anyone happy.

InsideAWord, I'm sorry you are feeling this way :(. Myself I've struggled with suicidal ideation, but in a different way (only when I feel the images in my head are taking over). So maybe there's some things I can tell you from my own perspective.

Sometimes it's very confusing not to know what you are living for, but I do know one thing. Ultimately, you do not exist to make anyone happy. That is what I believe. You exist to make yourself happy -whether other people are happy is entirely their own responsbility. I get that you cannot possibly feel happy right now, but life is surprising sometimes. Things change when you don't expect it.

I say this without judgement: you'll be depriving your future self of some well-deserved happiness in the case of ending it. I didn't know what I was living for either -until one day I got behind the controls of a plane and I suddenly realized that I was born for just that. Now, no matter how life sucks, I think of taking off and it makes me want to live.

All this may sound really too idealistic and very far removed from you. I understand you feel extremely discouraged, it's a normal thing when all around you and within you seems dark and negative.

I'll go to to be the life of the party

Remember that you don't exist to please. The only one you answer to in the end, is you. And I'm sure that within you there is an aspect which is just not ready to come to the surface yet. An aspect who knows joy. If you give yourself that chance, you'll also give yourself forgiveness. But I know it doesn't come easy, at all. I send you the courage of a lion in this struggle.

 

[Britt.f7]

I've been through that and managed to get on the other side of it. The thoughts started abating and now I find I rarely think of them. For some people it is a normal response to stress, however awful that must seem. At least that is what I have been told, since it seems to be that way for me. I realize it is not rational. Still, at the moment, it seems like the right answer. Try to really see how it would be for the people in your life. That is hard to do. I'd like to think that my family would be able to just go on without me, but then I think of my mother's passing and how difficult it has been for me and others. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be is the point.

Please take care of yourself. You are worth it.

 

[Mercy]

I have existed for years, sitting on my porch steps, planning my suicide.....I've tried it once as a adult and several times as a teen. When I am bad shape, I can not even think of my daughters 25 and 35 yrs old as a reason to stay alive. Unsually it is their verbal attacks that throw me in the well any way. They learned that behavior from my emotionally abusive husband. i have a strong undercurrent of grief and deep sorrow for the other children who were trafficked too.

The one thing that keeps my head above water is me Da saying, "Do the best you can and never never quit." He was killed when I was 26 in 1976. I love and miss him even now. At my wedding he told me he loved me. He was a bit pied, three sheets to the wind, and his record got stuck on making sure I knew that he loved me. I was 21 and a bit embarrassed and so I was slowly stepping back from him until we got to the top of the terrace wall. The next step would have been the step too far. I am grateful for my cousin taking our picture at that moment. When I feel unloveable, I go look at our picture. I guess he was a bit emotional about his little girl getting married.

Maybe, you can find something that can bring yourself back up a little. Oh, I also get solace from my stuffed animals.