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Relationship I Lost My Cool

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R.Quartz

Learning
This past weekend has been my birthday weekend, and I wanted to include my sufferer gf with my plans. Her stress about coming out to visit as well as meeting my friends was very high, but she insisted that she wanted to do it (I made it clear that it was completely optional, though if she wanted to come, I would make sure she was able to by buying her plane tickets, arranging transportation, having a place to stay, etc). She offered to take the load off by saying she had been an event coordinator in the past and she would take care of it. I felt awesome, told her how great that made me feel, and I even bragged to my friends that she was helping me take care of it. It turned out that she did very very little to plan (no reservations, no coordination, very little communication with others) which made everything go very stressfully this past weekend.

But everything has been a trial. She got stressed out when packing, so she missed her flight causing her to have to spend the night at the airport -- she left her wallet in the cab ride over, so she had no money to get home. She waited until the last minute to verify that everything was cool to travel on the next morning flight out, so she missed that one too and by the time everything was straightened out, she was on an 11:30am flight out (after having been there since 8:30pm). She and I were both very stressed at this point.

Per my "money" thread, I was also stressed because what should have been a $100 round trip flight had now escalated into being ~$700. I am not independently wealthy, so this was a big blow to my finances.

After she got here, she continued to miss deadlines. We were supposed to go one of my favorite clubs on Friday, and because we couldn't even leave the house until 11:30pm, some of my friends had to cancel and when we got there, I missed most of the main act. Then because she needed space, she would say "I'll be right back" and then disappear into the crowded club for long periods of time, causing me to stress out about where she was. Then at the end, she reconnected with me saying that guys were trying to grope her etc, I thought you said this was a safe venue, etc. I wasn't trying to reprimand at all, but I calmly said that we try to stay within our own group to avoid these things.

The next day I was supposed to have dinner with friends. We were all gathered at one friend's house to leave for dinner, and I asked when the reservation was for. It became quickly apparent that there was no reservation, and getting one at the last second for a group of 10 in Los Angeles on a Saturday night was going to be impossible. I quickly made alternative plans, called friends of friends who own restaurants, and was able to make a last minute res closer to where 8 of the 10 people were (causing 2 people to cancel). It was a good compromise.

So the group was ready to leave, and she wanted to take an additional 15 minutes to get ready, so I said go ahead, we will meet you there. 15 minutes turned into an hour and a half, and the group was actually already done with dinner, dessert, drinks, etc, and were coming back to the house while we were still there "getting ready".

I said hey, let's forget about plans, and forget about the group, let's just make it about us. This seemed to work well -- I was able to get a late reservation for 2 at a really great restaurant. We were having a good time there until she says she wants me to ditch work on Monday to hang out. I said I really can't, I have a client meeting which I can't miss. She gets angry and says she could have met with a lot of clients (totally hypothetical, she has not reached out to any of them) also but she did not because she wanted to be with me for my birthday. I told her that if she had important meetings, I would have gladly worked around that schedule, but I didn't know, but I just can't cancel my Monday meeting. This turned into passive aggressive statements of how I don't care about her, etc.

This made me upset. I had been bending over backwards all weekend (and more) to make sure she was comfortable, and she was throwing it back at me, so I was rapidly losing my cool. We got in the car to leave, and I said calmly that I didn't feel like it was fair. She started getting more upset and saying that she didn't want to hear it and just wanted to listen to music. I was ok with this and kept driving.

Maybe 5 or 10 minutes into the drive, she says she hates that I seem very upset. I tell her that it's because I have a lot of emotions that I'm feeling and feel with no outlet, and I really just want to be heard. She says she's listening, and I say that I don't love my work, it is just something that I have to do in order to pay for life so that we can do things we enjoy. She immediately gets defensive again and turns the radio up full blast (I have a very powerful stereo system in the car -- full blast is enough to permanently destroy your hearing).

This made me lose my cool. I immediately turned the radio off. It was the wrong thing to say, but I raised my voice and said "Why are you acting like a child!?" I was at this point crying.

She got upset and was no longer to listening to anything else. She fixated on the fact that I raised my voice and said that I was abusive. Since then we've tried to have small conversations, but it keeps going back to me being abusive, and she can't be in an abusive relationship.

I rarely lose my cool over anything, and I almost never yell. I study zen and meditate. It takes a LOT for me to get angry like that, and I can't even remember the last time it happened. But it did, largely because I felt like I was getting my buttons pushed constantly. I was being abused. So I raised my voice.

And now she has broken up with me. We had such a solid relationship up until this point. I moved 400 miles to be closer to her. And now I'm an abusive person that she can't be around.

I want to be sick.

It hurts.
 
Your not abusive, she pushed buttons many times and you finally reacted. You did everything to accommodate her over the weekend and she threw it back at you.

Don't beat yourself up about being angry, things like this and more have made me shout at my husband many times. many times he has stood back and taken it, knowing he was in the wrong, but many times he has thrown it back at me too.

Give her a few days and see what happens, maybe when she has had time to calm down and think, she will be in contact with you.
 
I don't see you as being abusive at all. I do, however, see a pattern of selfishness in her. It was your birthday, but she didn't really have any regard for you (or your friends). I can see parts of what she has done being due to PTSD (perhaps), but not all of it. I see it as "me, me, me, and if I don't get what I want, I am going to throw a fit". I guess I get the feeling that there is more than PTSD going on here, that's all.

Oh, I'm a sufferer.
 
High maintenance and inconsiderate even for somebody with PTSD. I don't think you were abusive either. Granted this was a birthday weekend and it might not be indicative of the whole relationship... but clearly incurring the extra cost on airfare to the tune of $600 above the original cost... should be reimbursed. As for the rest, if this is how she behaves during an occasion that is important to you, I think you got a ringside seat about what being closer to her would bring.

Very sorry for your heartache, but reread your post and seriously ask yourself if you should consider pursuing her or if she may have inadvertently given you a first hand look at what living with her would be like and if you could accept it.
 
I am sorry your birthday weekend that you had obviously been looking forward to was pretty much a disaster. It sounds like you did what you could to accommodate her and went above and beyond with your patience. I'm sure that the weekend was very stressful for her and that didn't help things, but it is HER responsibility to know when she is getting overwhelmed and remove herself from the situation, not yours. She is responsible for her own actions and reactions. As Albatross says, you might want to seriously reconsider a relationship with this woman if this is what you can expect from her. I'm sorry for it all but I still want to wish you a happy birthday. I hope next years goes a lot better!
 
I can't think of anything to add to what's already been said. Other than you sound like a candidate for sainthood. Surely there's some lucky woman out in the world who would actually appreciate thoughtfulness and consideration.

Like Solara said, there might be some aspects of her behavior that are PTSD related. Even so, if you're going to be in a relationship, you have to have SOME ability to put something in to it.
 
Thank you so much to everyone who read my post, and even moreso to those who have responded. This forum has often been my sanity just to know that I'm not alone in this journey.

Just to add a little bit of background, this is the second time she has flown into CA with me -- it was also disastrous the first time to the point where my roommate decreed that she is no longer allowed at the apartment (which is honestly a fair boundary for him to have, if he felt unsafe). So on this occasion, I wanted to arrange for a hotel for us to both stay at, but because of the aforementioned lack of planning, everything was booked or expensive. We ended up staying at my best friend's house; I gave him enough background on her condition for him to be aware of any stressors or triggers. At this moment, she still has a flight scheduled to go home tonight, but to give her space, my friend's female neighbor has taken her out for a pedicure. My friend network has been A+++ awesome in this regard. I've put them through a lot this weekend, and they have had my back 100%. It is crucial that they are not "taking sides" because they know that I care a lot about her, but they have all let me know that they are there for me and do not see me as an abusive person.

I also told her to bring her dog, whom I know is a calming factor for her. It has helped immensely, as she never wants to be upset in front of her dog to avoid traumatizing him further (he had unfortunately been witness to one of her assaults, and she fears that he now is a lot more fearful of all strangers).

Solara said:
I don't see you as being abusive at all. I do, however, see a pattern of selfishness in her. It was your birthday, but she didn't really have any regard for you (or your friends). I can see parts of what she has done being due to PTSD (perhaps), but not all of it. I see it as "me, me, me, and if I don't get what I want, I am going to throw a fit". I guess I get the feeling that there is more than PTSD going on here, that's all.

Oh, I'm a sufferer.

Solara, your responses are always very insightful. Thanks for that... I do feel that she has been very selfish. A lot has led to that, her family situation has been such that nobody actually listens to each other, and everyone is just concerned for their own needs. They also are of the disposition that not only are you responsible for your own prosperity, you also bring on your own calamity -- more than one of them said that her rapes were her fault.

That doesn't absolve her of the responsibility of breaking that cycle, but I'm sympathetic to it. I do tend to remind her that we are a team trying to accomplish the same goal when she starts treating me as though she needs to fight to make sure her needs are met. She often doesn't disclose her needs until it's too late -- although I've tried to be very sensitive to early warning signs of her needs (hunger, anxiety, loneliness, etc), I'm also not telepathic and always remind her to be more open in this area. I sense that it is difficult because she hates that she has any illness at all, and being open her needs in this regard reminds her that she's not "normal". I always remind her that I have a lot of my own unique needs, like having to clean the kitchen immediately after cooking etc, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable when I walk away from it... but I can't expect her to know that if I don't tell her.

I feel like we have slowly progressed towards being more open about needs, but it has only been a few months, and it can get frustrating because of it.

As someone (maybe you?) identified in a different thread, she does show a combination of PTSD, OCD, and ADHD symptoms, along with other social anxieties that perhaps don't have a place in the bowl of alphabet soup.

The Albatross said:
High maintenance and inconsiderate even for somebody with PTSD. I don't think you were abusive either. Granted this was a birthday weekend and it might not be indicative of the whole relationship... but clearly incurring the extra cost on airfare to the tune of $600 above the original cost... should be reimbursed. As for the rest, if this is how she behaves during an occasion that is important to you, I think you got a ringside seat about what being closer to her would bring.

Maybe some of you guys can shed some light on this, but I have never found it useful to try to demand any kind of atonement for transgressions. I know she feels bad, and anything I say about it just makes her feel worse or that I'm scolding her as though she's a child who doesn't understand right from wrong. She is fully aware of how much a pain in the ass her actions are, but she doesn't know what to do about it. She says she's learning, and this will probably never happen again.

I can't demand money, it would be squeezing a rock for water. She's undergoing severe financial hardship at this time, so I don't really see any positive that could come from that.

The Albatross said:
Very sorry for your heartache, but reread your post and seriously ask yourself if you should consider pursuing her or if she may have inadvertently given you a first hand look at what living with her would be like and if you could accept it.

I'm trying not to make any rash decisions. I'm focusing on my aforementioned work stuff that I'm behind in. Even though she said "it's over", if she recanted it, it wouldn't be the first time she took back something she said in anger. I'm operating under the assumption that it wasn't a "real conversation" and we will eventually get to have one when things have simmered.

Snowangel1225 said:
I am sorry your birthday weekend that you had obviously been looking forward to was pretty much a disaster. It sounds like you did what you could to accommodate her and went above and beyond with your patience. I'm sure that the weekend was very stressful for her and that didn't help things, but it is HER responsibility to know when she is getting overwhelmed and remove herself from the situation, not yours. She is responsible for her own actions and reactions.

Thank you for reminding me of this. The saving grace here is that I feel like she is aware of this, and she has often said that she wants to get a better therapist who specializes in her disorder. She wants to be a better person, and reminds me constantly that she is trying. Whether that aligns with my feelings and what I want is something I have to think about. In the meantime, I highly HIGHLY appreciate everyone's feedback. It makes me feel SO much better.

Thanks.
 
She is fully aware of how much a pain in the ass her actions are, but she doesn't know what to do about it. She says she's learning, and this will probably never happen again.

If she doesn't know what to do about it, what is she learning and how is it never going to happen again?

this is the second time she has flown into CA with me -- it was also disastrous the first time

So it has just happened again.

she has often said that she wants to get a better therapist who specializes in her disorder.

But she hasn't done it?

I have never found it useful to try to demand any kind of atonement for transgressions. I know she feels bad, and anything I say about it just makes her feel worse or that I'm scolding her as though she's a child who doesn't understand right from wrong.

It seems to me that this conveniently means you won't raise the issues with her, and she won't have to hear it. Or address it properly.

It seems that she's getting away with a great deal, and I'm afraid your zen-like approach is likely to be enabling her behaviour. I have to ask you if you're aware of the chance of co-dependency in supporters, and whether you think you might have any co-dependent traits? Your own needs seem to be hardly in picture because it's crammed so full of hers.
 
Maybe some of you guys can shed some light on this, but I have never found it useful to try to demand any kind of atonement for transgressions. I know she feels bad, and anything I say about it just makes her feel worse or that I'm scolding her as though she's a child who doesn't understand right from wrong. She is fully aware of how much a pain in the ass her actions are, but she doesn't know what to do about it. She says she's learning, and this will probably never happen again.

Just a thought, and an example.

I didn't know how to take a compliment, until a friend point blank TOLD me. (If you gave me a "compliment" my reaction what pretty much like it would have been if you'd handed me a dead kitten. Lots of reasons, none of them relevant.) Finally, in obvious frustration, a good friend said, "Hey! A compliment is like a present. The appropriate response is to say 'Thank you', then shut up!" COOL! I had no idea! I was thoroughly delighted to have that information.

So, if she honestly doesn't know the appropriate way to handle something, you might just tell her. In this case, she has the option of saying, "I'm sorry about A, B, & C, can you forgive me?" To which you would most likely reply, "of course." If you don't know these things, you have to learn somehow. Honestly? I have a feeling that she might not appreciate that as much as I do, but I could be wrong.
 
I completely agree with Hashi.

As adults we need to be held accountable for our actions. This isn't one of those situations where guilt is punishment enough so you don't have to say a word. If her upbringing was as bad as you say it was, which I have no doubt about it being as such, then she probably has a very skewed sense of boundaries. You have a right to tell her how you feel. You have a right to express when she's crossed the line. If you do it in a calm and non-abusive fashion, and she freaks out, then it's on her, and it's solely her issue to deal with. I encourage you to set these boundaries in a calm and rational way, and to be firm about it. If you back off out of fear of her reaction, you will start tip-toeing around her and will be walking on eggshells. That's not a good place to be.

I understand that she's learning, but as for this not happening again? I'm skeptical as it has indeed happened again.

I'm not saying to give up on her, but it's worrisome that these negative patterns are emerging. Maybe encourage her to seek out a trauma therapist? Seeing someone who doesn't specialize in trauma is a waste of both time and money.
 
I think both of you could use some boundaries and agree with Solara and Hashi. Her past and familial issues are her own to deal with. If you take on her stuff, you aren't doing her any favors. Support is great, but making excuses for poor behavior on her part is well, setting yourself up today for a whole lot of one sided give and take relationship - where you are always on the giving end - later on.

I'm the sufferer too. I took great pains but was not ultimately entirely successful dealing with my own baggage independent of my relationship. I seldom though ask for accommodations or take advantage of my spouse. I also have ADD/ADHD but no OCD tendencies. I have dis-associative type episodes and some situational depression. So I had/have plenty to deal with.

Our cousin is married to a gal who does things like your girlfriend. She is the "center of the universe" and her husband (the cousin) and all the rest of us are in her orbit. She only visits our area yearly for about 4 days and I arrange to work for as much of that time as I can. Exhausting, and frustrating. I don't know how he handles it. She though, in addition to trauma is a former drug addict and is now hooked on prescription drugs.

You would do well to keep your relationship with your girlfriend independent from her traumas or familial issues. Courtship is supposed to be where we bond with other people and it is most often the best of ourselves that we show to our prospective partner. If this is her best, I think I'd seriously take a hard look at what the long term outlook should she remain as she is.

Why do you feel drawn to the relationship? What qualities do you feel makes her a suitable partner for you?
 
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