Relationship Is This The Right Way To Try And Help?

[Breeze]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and have already read so much I can identify with so just thought I'd ask a few questions and hope I am putting them in the right place.

I have a friend who has suffered PTSD from military service in Northern Ireland and Iraq (I'm in the UK). I've had PTSD myself but for different reasons (a shock bereavement with difficult circumstances) but my symptoms were different in some ways to his. I never had to cut myself off or go silent whereas he does this a lot and like most people on here, there is a fear of losing a friendship I value if this person doesn't come back. My symptoms were more of repeating the events of what happened over and over again to the point of exhaustion but I don't have those problems any more.

I often wonder if the trauma is different with military personnel? Any views from sufferers who have been in the forces i would welcome greatly if they should be reading this. My friend also lost his wife a few years ago and is struggling but to his great credit has is waiting for bereavement counselling. I wondered if losses again bring up the trauma of PTSD once more?

He has gone to great lengths to tell me he needs these periods of time where he cuts me off. I've noticed if I ever ask if he wants to end the friendship he will say yes, but I don't quite believe it as he's done this lots of times and then we have carried on. I will confess I haven't always dealt with things well, but I am new to this really so am trying not to blame myself, but do at times.

There does seem a need for him to be in control. Not sure if I'm doing right but we have often talked of compromise and what I am doing at present rather than just leaving him be, is that I told him I would send just one text each night to see if he was OK and just a few words, but no more than that and he could answer as and when he felt up to it. I know he won't answer mostly but want him to know I haven't walked away.

I'm not sure if I'm doing right. It's such a complex thing to know how to deal with in the right way. I'd appreciate any views. Thank you very much.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Military trauma is different, but don't blame that on his need to isolate as that characteristic can be seen in sufferers of all types of trauma. I can't help but wonder if you were suffering from traumatic grief instead? It is similar to PTSD but different at the same time.

To be honest, anything can bring up PTSD again. My triggering event was so small (comparatively) that a normal person would have laughed it off. So yes, it's quite possible that a death has spiked his symptoms.

I think the texting thing is a good idea. I am a sufferer myself.

 

[Breeze]

Solara thank you so very much for that. I did wonder if I'd have put this in the section for sufferers if it would have been better but being my first post was unsure what to do, and I am terribly worried about this friend at present.

I think you may well have been right about my case as in, traumatic grief as it was many years ago and so much more is known now than then.

I will come back to this thread to see if anyone else has posted because I am aware there is a time difference.

Thank you so much for replying to me, I really do appreciate it.

 

[bell]

Not in the military either, but I wanted to make a note to @Solara's mention of "small" triggers. Sometimes my triggers are so small and ridiculous that I feel so guilty I either cut people off or try and scare them away (in my case, by overcontacting them).

I wondered if losses again bring up the trauma of PTSD once more?

You said that he lost his wife several years ago... so what losses are you referring to in the quote above? In general, losses bring up issues moreso than many other things. Have there been any other significant losses or are you referring to the loss of his wife here? (If it's in relation to his wife, be aware that anniversaries -any significant anniversaries in their relationship, the anniversary of her death- can bring up issues, too.)

 

[Breeze]

Hello Bell. You have brought up some very good points there which are indeed relevant. His dad died a year ago and it was on the day before the anniversary of his wife's death. Just prior to that it was Christmas which many of us struggle with after losses anyway and I know he finds that very hard. Last year has also been very difficult with health issues and family problems so there has been a great deal of stress for him. Your comment about over contacting applies to myself I'm afraid as my anxiety in response to his silence went through the roof and I felt terribly guilty for contacting him too much when I knew he didn't want it, but I was so afraid of losing the friendship of someone who I know really tries hard to battle with certain things and does try very much to be kind. That's why I tried to find a compromise but again, I didn't want to do the wrong thing.

I often feel he thinks I can't cope with how he is, which is why he frequently says he wants to end things which have often been from the point of view that he says - he's no good for me. This is why I came here because I do want to support this person and learn more and understand about such problems so I can try to help in the right way while looking after myself at the same time which I know is also important. Thank you very much for your reply.

 

[Breeze]

I'm unsure if I should have actually posted this thread or if I may have said something I shouldn't have that might have upset anyone. Could one of the moderators delete the thread please as I feel unsure about my comments. Thank you very much for the replies though.

 

[Chris516]

Breeze, Military combat can be different from some other causes of PTSD. But equally , so can working in law enforcement. Where the only way they differ from other causes if PTSD is, the ongoing exposure to trauma, on a daily basis.

In the 'ongoing trauma' vein, EMS personnel could also be included.

 

[mamabuckeye]

Sending you strength as I have no advice. You are a very good friend to support him during a confusing and difficult time.