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Is there a ‘right’ way to do therapy?

Definitely could be, my job is less a 9-5 and more a 5-9 and a lifestyle. It’s also very much buckle up buttercup, hyper competitive, no room for emotions sort of a job so there’s a definite possibility my attitude well and truly spills over everywhere else.
I could see where that may come across as "not invested" in some ways. I'm gonna guess your clients effort = your level of effort and commitment to them. Time wasters not needed.....

Might be worth telling your T about that.....
 
Hi @No More , something came to me. On paper it works, to say define the problem or difficulties, do or find a solution. And of course, the hope or belief (or denial) that it will be quick and doable since the desire is there and the willingness to put in the work and effort. But the truth is, when I think about it the biggest problems or difficulties don't have an easy solution to find, and if we had it we'd apply it. With that reality, all that is left is to keep looking and trying, with or without your T, and accompaniment through it, which pretty much is defined throughout life's experience as a presence or an absence. Most negative feelings, thoughts, beliefs and choices thrive in silence and non-disclosure. Such as shame.
 
I think the title of your thread makes a good question for Anthony Parsons, you might consider asking him (he is the creator of this site).
 
So I’ve tried to come at it the other way - rather than what’s the ‘right’ way to do therapy, what do I want from the therapist, what would personally help me, right now. At the moment that’s

-Picking up on cognitive distortions/irrational thinking. Some of it is so ingrained into me it’s on the level of grass is green, so I won’t necessarily flag it myself

-Coping techniques someone can physically teach me. So walking me through breathing exercises, mindfulness, nightmare completion etc etc

-Appropriate CBT worksheets for the problem, they are likely to know which will be most effective in helping me with whatever is bothering me most, right now

-Setting an appropriate pace/amount of homework. I don’t want therapy to be my life, I don’t want to be living session to session. The point is that it enhances my life, not becomes an obsessive focus.


I can do all those things with her, with our relationship a business one as it is at the minute. So I think I’m happy with that. Other people might have different needs from their therapy and need more connection, and that’s great if that works for them, but it won’t work for me.
 
So I’ve tried to come at it the other way - rather than what’s the ‘right’ way to do therapy, what do I want from the therapist, what would personally help me, right now. At the moment that’s

-Picking up on cognitive distortions/irrational thinking. Some of it is so ingrained into me it’s on the level of grass is green, so I won’t necessarily flag it myself

-Coping techniques someone can physically teach me. So walking me through breathing exercises, mindfulness, nightmare completion etc etc

-Appropriate CBT worksheets for the problem, they are likely to know which will be most effective in helping me with whatever is bothering me most, right now

-Setting an appropriate pace/amount of homework. I don’t want therapy to be my life, I don’t want to be living session to session. The point is that it enhances my life, not becomes an obsessive focus.


I can do all those things with her, with our relationship a business one as it is at the minute. So I think I’m happy with that. Other people might have different needs from their therapy and need more connection, and that’s great if that works for them, but it won’t work for me.
I strongly resonate with your post. Previously, I was an active user (though I encountered difficulties signing back on after a long absence so grit then became grit2023 which I am happy with but to give you a context). I would like to respond to both your original post and this one. It seems that you may have had a similar reaction to therapy, reminiscent of my experience with childhood trauma therapy. While I am no longer in therapy and my life has significantly improved since then (it was never truly in a dire state), I encountered an unusual response throughout the continuous five years of therapy though. Similar to you, I had established healthy, safe, and loving relationships prior to therapy. Hence, the purpose of therapy for me was not to "learn, recover, or reactivate" attachment per se. Instead, I discovered, after concluding therapy, that it was about seeking "knowledge" or the process of self-discovery that was impeded during my traumatic childhood. I lacked emotional knowledge from my mother due to the necessity of emotional withdrawal to survive her(I froze, flew, and fought but did not fawn). It seems that you may share a similar quest, seeking self-knowledge and the process of attaining it in order to self-regulate, self-reflect, and uncover your own wisdom. Therapy may assist in the initial stages of self-regulation and self-reflection, but the ultimate realization of wisdom follows internalizing the first two aspects.

In response to your situation, I would suggest examining your bodily reactions to the therapist's inclination or need for attachment or your perception of such, or any form of attachment. It may be that you did not attach as a child but rightfully learn as an adult (same thing a therapy would have done). This does not imply that you are incapable of attachment; rather, it might signify a sense of being obstructed from certain knowledge – the knowledge you gained prior to therapy in order to have satisfying relationship already – you may be unaware how you learned attachment as an adult and what is being activated may be how you did not learn as a child (hope this long weird sentences makes sense).

It could be a feeling that time is being wasted on something when your focus lies on acquiring knowledge (using knowledge as an example, replace it with whatever aspect resonates with you. It was knowledge for me or self-learning). Consequently, you might consider accepting that therapy emphasizes attachment, even if it is not your primary inclination. Instead, you can utilize your sense of humor or creative maneuvering to navigate your interactions with the therapist, acknowledging that business-commitment and a degree of attachment are inherent in the therapeutic process.

To gain a clearer understanding of your struggles, try articulating precisely what challenges you face based on feedback, complaints, or criticisms from people in your life that leave you perplexed. Is it related to emotional regulation, introspection, anxiety, a lack of awareness of your own representation hindering your learning process, or perhaps cognitive distortions and irrational thinking which in my case, at least, were the absence of bodily information resulted in a deficiency of wisdom? Additionally, pay attention to sensations of anger or hostility that arise when someone crosses your boundaries (such as the therapist persisting with attachment when you desire agency and wanting to learn how do you internalize experience and use it for future purposes). I hope these prompts encourage introspection and provide some guidance amidst your struggle. Please know that I empathize with your difficulties, and I hope that my response has provided some useful insights.

I apologize in advance if my thoughts do not align with you or come off as annoying. I may have fallen to me...
 
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