I Want To Be Free.

[Jules0408]

I feel almost stupid for posting this since well, after so long I know it shouldn't be an issue but now that I'm looking into what could really be going on in my head, maybe I can finally get a good start.

Basically, met someone at work (I know, I know worst idea ever!!!) we started talking and hanging out, after a month or so we slept together (it was my first time). We had been getting along fairly well, it was the first time I had ever felt comfortable with a guy. As I was mentally and emotionally abused by my father as a child which, I'm starting to believe caused my possible PTSD (hopefully will get an official diagnosis soon). Anyway, not long after we started sleeping together I started getting edgy and began withdrawing because he didn't want a relationship and I did but like a typical woman, thought if we continued to hang out and such it would change his mind.

I eventually told him it was best we just became friends at work though I missed him and, we managed to be "friends" for a few months. I put that word lightly since it was a hit and miss kind of thing, we were able to hang out and it felt like normal but I know the whole we slept together thing was still there. A mutual friend had said he mentioned his "feelings" were gone for me. Then due to my stupidity and telling the wrong person at work, the tale spread like wild fire and now, we're just strangers but I still cannot lose the feelings. Every time I see him, my heart jumps. Just being a work now is a huge trigger for my anxiety and I hate it. I'm there to work, not wonder if I'll see him. I know he wants nothing to do with me, he walks by like I don't exist and doesn't speak to me even if we're working in the same area. I HATE that I look like a mopey, can't get over it, kind of person. I'm usually energetic,bouncy, flirty and now at work I'm just there trying to appear happy.

I've always had issues with getting over or letting go of an issue that I was emotionally attached too, I find that my mind will constantly go to the issue aka thinking of him. I'll either end up thinking of the good moments we had together, "daydreams" of what I would like to happen, or just brief flashes of memories. I would like to just say yes we had a fling, it ended, I'm happy and ready to try again. I want to be able to go into work without the edgy feeling and wondering if he's there or not.

Getting this out is at least a start :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((Jules0408))), I'm so sorry. I know how this feels.

Though I commend you for being self aware......

This may not be what you expect to hear, but you are a woman. You are that girl that believes that hanging out and being intimate with someone means a relationship. What's wrong with that?

Typical woman? Who cares! There doesn't have to be any rules like that.

I have female friends who go through this exact same thing. They meet a guy, they like him, he likes her, they hang out, they are intimate and boom, he doesn't want a relationship and they blame it all on themselves.

You are you, you are woman, you are gushy, a romantic, and all that comes along with it. There is NOTHING wrong with that!!!!!

Be who you are. A man would be lucky to have the opportunity to become involved with you.

By the way, when my husband and I first started dating, I was so bent out of shape from all of the belief systems that I took on as my own about relationships. I thought I shouldn't call him too much, that I shouldn't do this too much and that I shouldn't..blah blah this too much, yadda yadda yadda. That I should be perfectly secure blah blah blah. The list goes on and I think you know what I'm talking about.

Wanna know what he told me when I finally admitted that to him? He smiled and said, "I love who you are. You are that girl and I love that. I don't ever want you to change. Those kinds of things that you do (call me a lot, etc) are what attracted me to you in the first place. I am that kind of a man too. I don't like the games that other people play either. When you distance yourself from me, I can tell why and I notice it. I don't want you to do that. I will never get sick of you showing that you love me, EVER!"

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi Jules,

He sounds like a complete jerk! I do not think that there is anything wrong with you. Who would not feel like you do by being totally ignored at their workplace? How can you be all comfortable and energetic when someone is acting like you do not excist? I do not think the problem is related to your feelings for him, but rather to his inappropriate behaviour!

 

[Barconian]

Then due to my stupidity and telling the wrong person at work, the tale spread like wild fire and now

Is it possible that the gossip line has affected him and he doesn't know how to react around you any more than you with him?

 

[Jules0408]

Its possible he because uncomfortable but I'm not going down that road. I want to be able to move on and not dwell on what we had, if he would ever come around or how I still miss him. From what I've heard he's just done with it, and I can tell by him ignoring me at work that its just done for him. I'll get there, eventually. Once my heart and head stop feeling something for him

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hmm. After Barconian's post, hmm. It helps to have a man's perspective.

It never hurts to ask him. I don't know. Just a thought. If rejection happens tangibly, it's much easier to deal with because you know it's real. Me personally, I have a habit of assuming scenarios in my head when I am in fear of something.

If the rejection doesn't happen, well, then that is great. But if it does, it casts down the possibility of imaginations allowing healing to start, and after the emotions pass, it will still be great because you will feel better.

But, there's still that other element. You said he doesn't want a relationship. You do so you started withdrawing. Do I have that right?

Did he say it point blank? -- "I don't want a relationship"? If so, was that before or after sex? If it was before, was it discussed when you first started hanging out?

If it was after sex, well, then that's just not cool on his part. If that's the case, there are things you can do to heal from something like that. I recommend the book: Getting Past Your Past Breakup by Susan J Elliott (I have read it as a tool in my past and so have a few of my girlfriends) It's awesome. She has a website with countless blogs on the subject too.

Also, you said it was your first time. For a lot of people, that's a really huge deal and the intense emotional attachment that is felt afterwards is very common.

 

[Jules0408]

Never really said it point blank but said "he can't". It was brought up the second or third time we hung out (before sex), we had 'messed around' a couple times when I stayed over. I think part of me figured if we just kept hanging out, something would change in his mind. But I refused to hold myself out for any extra pain so, I started pulling away after sex of course. I didn't want to put myself out any further (don't mind the pun) and now that I think about it, I might have allowed outside voices to really affect my decision to pull away and walk. I know deep down we'll never even be friends, we tried and he said it wasn't a good idea since the whole store was talking and didn't want it to affect either of us.

My view - I screwed up, he screwed up and now its time to heal.

My main focus is curbing the anxiety. As I said I get tense when going into work when I know he's there. I've found its getting better, but its still the jump reaction I get when I see him. Most of the time it springs the "is there someone new" train of thoughts which I hate.

 

[Barconian]

I started pulling away after sex of course.

Lol

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

A. Is wanting that relationship, that he said he couldn't have with you, a part of why you decided to sleep with him?

B. Or do you think it was more impulsive and you didn't think? Maybe only now you are trying to think of the possibilities of what you may have been thinking then?

If it's the first one, then I'd say that is worth exploring as that could be a self worth or esteem thing. If it's the latter, I'd say that maybe you just really had the hots for him and the emotions came because it was your first time and had no idea it would feel like that afterward?

I think you're doing a great job. You're really brave to talk about such personal things and to be so proactive about it. Talking through the anxiety is definitely a good way to manage it. I only wish I had that type of awareness back then lol

 

[Jules0408]

Oh its a mix of A and B though, more of B. It all happened from us starting and ending the whole fling thing. Yesterday was actually the best day so far.