Attachment In Therapy - Another Thread

[Valentino]

@Pencil I appreciate your story, I can really feel how disorganized and confused you must feel.

I would suggest that maybe all the focus on attachment is premature and causing undue stress?

Maybe focusing on learning how to organize your thoughts and feelings?

Example, here in the USA there's a TV show called Hoarders, it's a reality type show where they profile people who have homes totally overfilled with belongings. These are extreme cases, where there is no room to walk, some can't make it to their bed, the kitchen is unusable, etc. They have so much stuff in their homes, that the stuff has taken over their lives. But at the same time they're so attached to holding onto stuff, they often are very reluctant to throw away anything.

So one of the most important first steps in a situation like this is creating some space and orienting/observing/evaluating the situation.

If your mind is full of disorganized thoughts and feelings. Then the first step is to start creating some space. You did exactly that by sharing your personal story with this thread. Talking about it to others, helps get the feelings out, and it's symbolically creating some space in your head.

It takes some courage and it can be risky, but it's worth it to genuinely tell your story and start sharing your own thoughts and feelings.

As you develop more space in your head, then you can start putting different thoughts and feelings together which match, and discarding thoughts and beliefs that are no longer necessary.

With time, as your mind gets more organized and has more space. You can start delving into attachment issues. But somewhere along the line, you probably will need to work on rediscovering and rebuilding inner trust, which would be foundation of outer trust.

Anyway, I think you're off to a good start, and you've made a lot of progress. Though I'm sure you'd prefer it would be happening faster.

 

[Pencil]

develop more space in your head

I think you're right about this. The whole issue is extremely complex and confusing, with past issues, present issues, logistics, thoughts and emotions all rolled into one.

While I think she is not the right therapist for me, the fact is that she has made herself available for email contact. She is all I have.

And I can never convey what I feel. My thoughts are ordered, my emotions a terrifying jumble. None of my feelings are visible in this thread - or any other. I have Never been able to show it - or even talk about it. I swing wildly between thinking rationally and feeling hopelessly overwhelmed.

I'm rambling

 

[Pencil]

@Valentino: in an attempt to get REAL order: I'll say what I've never been able to express, simply because it sounds dramatic. So here goes:

This connection actually feels re-traumatizing, and I think that is why I went to pieces while seeing her. My relationship with my mother - with everything it contained - is at the bottom of whatever the hell it is that is wrong with me. The thing with the therapist feels the same.

I know some will call it 'transference', some will say that ....

I realize this thread was a mistake.

 

[Valentino]

You already have PTSD, you're already traumatized. A trigger can bring back the emotional intensity and make it feel like you are reliving it again. But the physical environment is different. Your physical body is not in the same danger even though it may feel like it at that moment.

This is part of exposure therapy, by getting familiar with those scary emotions and allowing to spend little bits of time identifying and feeling them. Slowly you get used to it, and they aren't as emotionally triggering.

Sounds like things are very sensitive and fragile here, no need to rush, force, stress, or hurry towards attachment or non. You get to be in control of your recovery process. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to take it as slow as you wish.

Baby steps... inch by inch anything is a cinch... how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time.

Low expectations and tiny goals is something I use often.

I'm impressed by this thread and the accuracy of your comments, I can really feel the confusion, disorientation, and sheer terror that's underlying the words.

Simply identifying what's going on, is actually a BIG step. It's a pretty big accomplishment.

 

[Pencil]

Thank you @Valentino ! :inlove:

This is part of exposure therapy, by getting familiar with those scary emotions and allowing to spend little bits of time identifying and feeling them. Slowly you get used to it, and they aren't as emotionally triggering.

But exposure therapy can't be used for attachment.

I have come to the conclusion that psychotherapy can be categorized into the allopathic and homeopathic approaches. Although the therapist at first balked at the idea, she later conceded*. The majority of more traditional approaches are homeopathic, based on frustration of needs. Increasingly, thank God, there are dissenters who say that for some people, the traditional approach is simply retraumatizing as they have been frustrated 'enough'. I'm beginning to think that I belong in the latter category. And I realize that the vast majority of members on this site will vigorously, if not aggressively, defend the homoepathic approach. Exposure therapy, or therapy for phobias, for example is homeopathic by nature. Attachment, on the other hand, can not be 'treated' by more attachment insecurity / fear / failure.

You see, the Grand Canyon lies between my reason and my emotions. I have to make a very informed decision, and then stick with it. Either way it is going to be very painful, and I need to make sure that on the other side of the agony (and I'm not exaggerating) there will be a better place, or else I'll make a u-turn - which is what I've done numerous times. I need to stick with this no matter how painful it is, or I need to end the contact with her, no matter how painful it is. It might mean being totally disconnected again, which was not a bad place to be. Where I am now is a bad place to be. I also really wanted to resolve this for my daughter's sake, but this limbo is not helping anyone.

* While I was still seeing her, she commented that therapy was recreating certain very traumatic aspects of my childhood, and obviously wanted to EXPLORE that. I couldn't even speak.

 

[Pencil]

sheer terror

Yes, and thank you for noticing.

A simple thing such as thinking 'She's there' calms me down, and 'She's not there' sends me into a terrible panic in a few seconds. This is why I've been holding on to the email contact. But I'm beginning to wonder about it all. So, it might be a good thing, it might not, and I can't make up my mind.

I realize that I might have to look for another therapist who is not psychodynamic, but the idea of going through the process again is also panic-inducing. So, ironically, I'm using the therapist's email contact as an allopathic painkiller.

 

[Pencil]

move forward

This is the key. :hug:

 

[Lucycat]

I have come to the conclusion that psychotherapy can be categorized into the allopathic and homeopathic approaches..

Can you explain this further. It makes no sense to me.

But exposure therapy can't be used for attachment.
.

I would argue that with extreme care it can. By this I mean carefully conducted EMDR to investigate attachment, and through this the exposure is slow and carefully monitored so as not to overwhelm. It needs forethought and planning. The therapist needs a lot of experience and expertise and certainly should not embark down this route on a whim.

 

[Pencil]

Can you explain this further.

Before I do that, I want to ask why exposure therapy would be used for attachment. Why not simply provide a safe attachment? Perhaps it has to do with different types of attachment problems, different attachment disorders. Anxious attachment (the more bpd type) might need insight into the negative / contra-indicative effects of clobbering your partner to show your love and make him/her stay. But how do you treat the deprivation in some attachment problems through more deprivation, or having your nose rubbed in it?

The above contains the difference between the allopathic and homeopathic.

Allopathic medicine "The system of medical practice which treats disease by the use of remedies which produce effects different from those produced by the disease under treatment." Here you look at what causes the problem and do something about it. The patient has an inflamed appendix. Yank it out.

Homeopathic: "Homeopathy is based on the principle that you can treat ‘like with like’". So, if the patient suffers from sleeplessness, the homeopathic medicine would be something that actually produces sleeplessness , so that the body will be triggered to counteract that.

Therapy traditionally uses a more homeopathic approach: The patient is usually frustrated, so that 'wishes' are explored.

Traditional therapy is perfect for some issues, but not all. Traditional therapy is not for me. This much I have figured out.

 

[Hashi]

I have come to the conclusion that psychotherapy can be categorized into the allopathic and homeopathic approaches.

I agree that these two approaches are dominant, and I agree with what you say about the problems with the homeopathic approach:

The majority of more traditional approaches are homeopathic, based on frustration of needs. Increasingly, thank God, there are dissenters who say that for some people, the traditional approach is simply retraumatizing as they have been frustrated 'enough'... Attachment, on the other hand, can not be 'treated' by more attachment insecurity / fear / failure.

I'm wondering what you see as the allopathic approach in psychotherapy. Would that be the more cognitive behavioural approaches?

In physical medicine - and in psychotherapy - I include elements of allopathic and homeopathic approaches. I think it's hard to separate any therapy situation into purely one category and I think parts of each can be useful. But I don't think those are the only two categories. I also see the alchemical approach - that is, transformation without having to identify, dissect, re-experience or manage every aspect. I see it in regular psychotherapy, it doesn't have to be in a monastery on a mountain or something.

If you take grounding and stability, for example. Perhaps others see grounding as allopathic? I'd agree to an extent - reminding myself of my name, age, the date etc is a direct counter to dissociation. Deep breathing is a direct counter to anxiety. But I see more in it, especially if grounding is more than telling myself my name and deep breathing (and I think it needs to be). Feeling the chair I'm sitting on, smelling a scent, looking at a photo - doing these things, I'm changing my reality. I don't have to work on what destabilised me in order to transform it. It would be damaging to dwell on it, and it would be damaging to try to confront it. It's neither allopathic nor homeopathic. Instead, I leave that to one side and I change my consciousness to one of safety.

I think there's an element of this in processing trauma and it's effects too. Where it would be too destabilising to address the issue directly, either by allowing/experiencing (homeopathic) or by challenging/managing (allopathic). Where we focus more on a healed consciousness, and less on what to do about the wound in order to get there.

I'm the last person to advocate avoidance and wishful thinking - that isn't what I mean. We still have to work and be responsible. We still have to take care of the conditions in which transformation can take place. I just mean that I think some of the deepest and most damaging wounds can be - in fact, need to be - approached in a different way. We don't have to yank something out so much as yank something else in.

 

[Lucycat]

I want to ask why exposure therapy would be used for attachment. Why not simply provide a safe attachment?

Typically attachment becomes disordered in childhood. Thereafter further attachments are based on the erroneous comprehensions of the child/adult. To change the attachment in the here and now it is suggested that you delve back into those disordered attachments of childhood. They cannot be changed because they are history. However they can be explored and seen for what they are. The 'exposure' here is going back in therapy to those thoughts, feelings and memories of those disordered attachments. The faulty attachment style is not necessarily clear to the client until they do this exploration.

It is possible to enable a safer exploration of the memories of those attachments - by introducing a 'safe person' - real or imagined to 'go back' into the memories - taking care of the child keeping them safe etc while they explore their history.

It is not an easy process to go through. For me it was devastating to realise that my mother was not perfect (:rolleyes:) as I knew my father was abusive but had not seen the role my mother had played in this. I had taken their parenting at face value and thought it was 'normal'. Firstly my psychiatrist ventured to suggest all was not as it seemed, and got me to think about it, then I agreed to do the EMDR to help resolve the issues that I had.This was a huge leap in my recovery for CPTSD. Painful but worth it.

I see what you are saying now about the Allopathic versus Homeopathic. My previous understanding of both these terms was only in relation to medication, which is why I did not get it. I guess here in the UK homeopathic tends to be a loose term for something that is non-scientific. It is sometimes used in a derogatory way to describe pointless or ineffective treatments.

 

[Hashi]

I guess here in the UK homeopathic tends to be a loose term for something that is non-scientific. It is sometimes used in a derogatory way to describe pointless or ineffective treatments.

Puzzled. I haven't come across this in the UK.

Or are you talking about within the allopathic scientific community? In which case, enough said! Although that would hardly be scientific in itself.