General Please Help. PTSD Husband Wants a Break

[Kathy]

I already blame myself profusely for my son's death and, come to find out, my husband blames me too (heard this from 3rd party but he never denied it when I brought it up).

I certainly understand this JAZ as my husband and I have taken turns blaming ourselves and each other for our son's death as well. Perhaps because it is easier to place the blame somewhere rather than admit there are no easy answers as to why the death occurred, why our son and not someone else's, and so on. Likewise with your baby, it is absolutely no one's fault. Your baby did not die due to neglect. However it is very difficult to get to the point where you do not blame yourself. My heart goes out to you, there are no easy answers. Time and therapy will definitely help somewhat but as a mother it is extremely difficult. We are supposed to protect our children always, regardless of age. They are not supposed to die before us and if they do it is quite natural to blame ourselves.

I have found that I have truly lost my sense of self, and that without them I'm really empty.

If you have lost your sense of self JAZ, then this is a good time to find it again, whilst separated from your husband. Your baby is a different story; you are a mother and will always be a mother, and a large portion of your life will always revolve around your child. However, you should have a life separate from your spouse, especially whilst having problems. It is very important to do so and that is why you are hearing it from so many people.

As far as getting back together, perhaps you may ponder what would be a reasonable amount of time in your mind? How long you would be willing to wait? 3 months? 6 months? A year or longer? Only you can decide what the length of time would be. Once you decide, you could perhaps tell him, this is as long as I will tolerate a seperation. He then knows your boundaries and limits. Or, the two of you could decide on a "deadline" together. Bottom line, you are not required to wait indefinitely for him. Merely a suggestion, however it may give you some peace to know you have a plan of action and are not simply in limbo.

Take good care and keep us updated.

 

[JAZ]

Thanks so much Kathy for that indepth and quick response.

Realistically I know my son's death was not my fault. But in my heart, as his mother, I will always feel responsible. Three weeks before he died I'd dreamt he had died. And my husband and I were so paranoid he had asked me not to take him to New York for Thanksgiving and I did...thats why he blames me. And I have always been upset at myself for not trusting my instincts. Thats part of the reason I developed PTSD as quickly and as severely as I have. I was always so anxious about my daughter. I wouldnt sleep. He died while in my mother's care and she's getting therapy for that...I've always felt like he should've been with me. But maybe it would've been harder for me...as if thats possible.

I know this is a time I should take to find myself, but I really dont know where to begin. I pretty much conformed my life to their needs so its hard to address mine because I cant even recognize mine. Where do you suggest I start? Or maybe I can find that in therapy?

Honestly, at this point, I cant say that I have a time period that I'd be willing to put on it this time. In fact, Ive really contemplated giving him as much time as he needs and, when he returns, expressing to him that I will not tolerate it happening AGAIN because next time will be permanent. I dont know if thats too forceful, but right now thats how I feel. I'd rather him stay out as long as he needs if it means him really working on this and finding himself...but I dont feel running away is the answer, even if it is a coping mechanism. I havent been able to run but he always has, and I dont think thats fair. I know he's sick...and I'm sorry If I sound insensitive, but at some point you have to deal with the problem. Running away constantly is not gonna make it go away.

As far as working on creating a deadline together, as of now he isnt even really up to a real conversation about the issues at hand...thats another reason I'm kind of willing to give him all that time. I dont know if he'll ever talk about it. He may come back and not wanna talk about it. And I've done research on marital problems and not talking about problems seems to be a big way to help deal with the relationship vs. just the problems. But at some point, he's gonna have to talk about it with someone, because I dont know if I can go thru this again, you know?

At least, so far, the signs I've gotten have been positive. I'm trying to continue to have faith that God is providing and that we'll get thru this; so please keep us in your prayers. And thank you for the encouragement; its a true blessing.

 

[Kathy]

Realistically I know my son's death was not my fault. But in my heart, as his mother, I will always feel responsible. Three weeks before he died I'd dreamt he had died. And my husband and I were so paranoid he had asked me not to take him to New York for Thanksgiving and I did...thats why he blames me. And I have always been upset at myself for not trusting my instincts.

Yes. Unfortunately I do understand what you are saying. I believe I will always feel somewhat responsible for my son's death as well. However that does not change the fact that you and I are both incorrect in our thinking! Additionally, logically I don't see that taking your child to New York had any bearing on his death? He died of SIDS, correct? He could have died regardless of where he was. In any event it is a very tragic and unfortunate situation, and you are both so young as well! Most difficult to deal with, my heart goes out to you both.

Thats part of the reason I developed PTSD as quickly and as severely as I have.

You have PTSD as well JAZ? I was not aware of that. I could have overlooked that in my reading, I apologize if that is the case.

I know this is a time I should take to find myself, but I really dont know where to begin. I pretty much conformed my life to their needs so its hard to address mine because I cant even recognize mine. Where do you suggest I start? Or maybe I can find that in therapy?

You are in therapy currently, correct? Your therapist might have some good ideas for you, yes. Off hand I would say simply begin doing something you enjoy on a regular basis. Perhaps take a class, join a gym, go out with friends once a week. Something you enjoy doing that is just for you. It can be anything and does not need to be expensive nor take up a huge amount of time. Myself, I simply get up an hour earlier than everyone else in my house and have that hour daily to do whatever I wish. In my busy household, I treasure that hour, believe me.

Honestly, at this point, I cant say that I have a time period that I'd be willing to put on it this time. In fact, Ive really contemplated giving him as much time as he needs and, when he returns, expressing to him that I will not tolerate it happening AGAIN because next time will be permanent. I dont know if thats too forceful, but right now thats how I feel.

If that is how you feel currently JAZ, then that is the right thing to do. The time period was merely a suggestion. If you are comfortable with what you are currently doing then you already have a plan of action in my opinion. Well done.

I know he's sick...and I'm sorry If I sound insensitive, but at some point you have to deal with the problem. Running away constantly is not gonna make it go away.

No, that is not insensitive at all. That is your boundary. As an adult, he has an obligation to work upon himself, to heal himself and so on. He will do so in his own time obviously however you are under no obligation to wait for him indefinitely. You may encourage him to seek help however if he does not help himself it is not your fault nor your problem. It is his choice entirely.

But at some point, he's gonna have to talk about it with someone, because I dont know if I can go thru this again, you know?

Well, he eventually will have to talk about things. Talking over problems is very important for healing, as individuals and in any kind of relationship. He is obviously not ready at this point however I do hope that changes for you in future. I am glad matters seem positive so far and that you have your faith to comfort you. My faith is also important to me. Do please keep us informed how things are going.

 

[JAZ]

Thanks Kathy.

Sorry I meant Post Partum, not PTSD..I sometimes type so quickly my thoughts dont catch up with my fingers lol.

I'm trying to get my counseling together now; right now we've been miscommunicating so I'm gonna try to call her Monday..it's just been so stressful because I've been trying to find another job.

I'm really trying to give him his space. He's basically on a "whatever happens, happens" kind of mindset, but he's not really leaning in a negative direction anymore. It's the slow, tedious road to reconciliation but there's no titles or pressure. I'm trying not to analyze anything or think so much and just let it happen; in the meantime I'll just wait and see what happens.

I want him to get better, obviously, and thats why part of me doesnt want to put any constraints on him; but I've already been thru this. My father is also a sufferer of PTSD and he just got diagnosed a year or so ago. But he dealt with it for years. When my mother left, I had to deal with his anxieties and his issues, and I dont want that happening to our daughter. I dealt with a lot of verbal and psychological abuse and my dad loved me to death. I know he didnt mean it but that didnt stop it from being inflicted. I expressed this to Tee and he agreed and said that was part of the reason he left.

There have been other things that have popped up as far as his behavior is concerned that have bothered me but right now I dont wanna go into it as I may just be speculating. But I just hope that he can somehow work thru this and get the help he needs and I'll support him on it. And if, God forbid, we dont work this out, I'm still gonna continue to urge he get help for the sake of our daughter. I dont want her to go thru what I went thru.

Yes, my faith is extremely important. God is definitely good.

 

[MotherinLaw]

I am new to all this so I have no advice, only sympathy. My daughter is going through the same thing with her husband. He got back from Iraq in October, they had a baby in November. In January he flipped out about Iraq and said he wanted a divorce. They briefly worked things out, then he found out he was going to Afghanistan for 13 months instead of the expected 7. He flipped out again and basically threw her out of his life. He was diagnosed with PTSD by a private counselor, but counselling would be pointless now as he is scheduled to leave for Afghanistan any time. We are feeling pretty hopeless ourselves as his behavior is so bizarre. I guess it helps to know others are going through the same thing. I hope that you will be able to work things out. It sounds like you're on the right track.