Attachment In Therapy - Another Thread

[Hashi]

Pencil VIP Member @Hashi - are you clearer on what... you need?

I don't think others would understand it. I don't think others can really understand my particular attachment issues, let alone my strange ways generally, so I'm coming from a really different place.

 

[Pencil]

I'm so confused when you say you can't attach, and at the same time you say something like this..

I know. This is still difficult or me to explain as I don't understand it fully - and these conversations are helping me to figure it out (I've said this before: the forum is my therapy) Attachment for is difficult as the child attaches like a barnacle - sometimes to people the adult doesn't even like. But the child is terrified - wants physical closeness - but really scared. Another issue is while being attached, I prefer being 'distant' - engaging with someone I am attached to is ... difficult. In other words - it is a replica of my relationship with my mother.

I'm trying to figure all this out still.

 

[Pencil]

not going to take action because of that? Or as in delaying (consciously or unconsciously)

I'm delaying.

And this is where it gets interesting. I recently confessed to the therapist that my financial mess is possibly self-induced because it keeps me in a position where I can't make the decision to continue therapy with her or stop altogether or look for another therapist. This means that I've been delaying for a year.

You may not remember, but you asked me (with a hint of exasperation I suspect :) ) a year ago what it was I wanted from a / this therapist - and although I don't remember what I said in response, I remember that I waffled.

 

[Pencil]

I'm coming from a really different place.

That I know :). Would you like to give an outline?

 

[Hashi]

I started my own thread about attachment a while ago, and talked about it there. My poll on sense of belonging also touched on it. In both cases, I don't think anyone could really relate but there were some insightful and supportive responses.

I can accept people not relating, I think I have to. I find it more frustrating when someone thinks they're relating but they have quite different attachment issues. Or when people think they know me better than I do. I don't think people can understand how deeply independent I am, whatever connections I do have.

What I really wanted was to be pointed to some resources that would be helpful to me, but that didn't lead anywhere unfortunately.

 

[Hashi]

I recently confessed to the therapist that my financial mess is possibly self-induced because it keeps me in a position where I can't make the decision.... This means that I've been delaying for a year.

That's interesting. One thing that I have to do - am now doing - is sort out my practical life. So it won't be a reason for not moving forward.

 

[Pencil]

own thread about attachment a while ago, and talked about it there.

Could you direct me there? I was offline for a while.

 

[Hashi]

It's here:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/attachment-types-overly-independent.37874/

Things have moved on for me a bit since then, but I'd still be interested if you know of any information or resources.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi @Pencil. I just read this entire thread (whew!). I hope that you have found a place to be tomorrow? On the other thread about attachment and touch that I posted, I think you indicated that you'd be open to my jumping into this thread, so I'm going to. Hang onto your socks...

Is there a form of therapy that solely deals with the inner child?

Yes. I am doing it...and I'm learning I don't have just one inner child, but a LOT of them. The therapy actually deals with lots of parts, but my predominant needs seem to be the little kid parts. I am crowded with them. Sometimes one or more of them get so frantic and demanding that I "lose" the adult part of me. Well, not totally, as I am a hyper-vigilant, hyper-emotionally controlled person for the most part and I am perfectly capable, like you, of holding a conversation that makes me appear that I am fine, when I am a wreck inside. I learned to do this as a young child as a sort of protection. Really I think it is a form of dissociation. I'm doing a therapy called IFS (Internal Family Systems) that is a somatic-based psychotherapy.

How is the child thing dealt with in therapy, if at all? do you have separate relationships with your T, or is it only a relationship between the adult and your T? Are other parts acknowledged?

I'm still in the pretty early stages of this therapy, but my T sometimes talks directly to one of my inner children, and sometimes has me (? which me I don't know) give voice to it. He guides me in a lot of visualizing and asks questions to help me give voice to these parts of me (I am not very good at that even though I am a hyper-verbal person...it is very weird).

I survived by becoming overly analytical on the one hand, and creating a fantasy world on the other.

me too

Yes, her response was that I have to 'befriend the pain of unmet needs' and be kind to myself. I constantly feel as if she simply sends me back to myself. My question to her was along the lines of - if being kind to myself (which I try to be, but struggle with) and accepting that my needs will never be met is the answer, why do I need to attach to you? Why not just stay with myself by myself as I've always done? She did not answer.

I SO hear you on this. It seems like it always comes back to the self. I'm finding though that I am so miserable in my self/selves that I need another person to bond with and help me be less miserable. I can't do it by myself (as I mentioned on the other thread). I have started to push back when my therapist tells me to be gentle and compassionate with myself...and I think he is starting to get it. He has been increasingly warm and gentle and empathetic with me.

I was also attached to people here on the forum

I'm getting freaked out by how attached I'm getting to this forum and some of the people on it.

I'd like to know what you mean when you say he is warm and shows empathy.

I don't know if anybody answered this. It is hard to describe--more of an intuitive sense that he cares--not just out of form or duty, but genuine care/compassion. He smiles and laughs at the right times for me, his eyes are very warm and friendly, he shares little nuggets of himself personally with me (not too much, just enough that I continue to feel certain that he is a real human being with interests and needs and hopes and fears), he calls me sometimes just to check in (I wish he would do that every day--I may ask him). We do "talk" a lot, but there is also a lot of space for quiet. He seems comfortable giving me time to just "check-in with my parts...very hard for me to do). I have been having an issue with believing that stuff from my past is actually as severe as it was, and he seems to understand how hard that is for me (my parents did so much denying of reality that I lost all sense of what's true and what's not--great for a writer/artist type but very bad for healing from complex trauma). So he gently validates... It is so hard to explain...really just a gut feeling.

On your struggle with your email therapist...I get the child's attachment. Any port in a storm! I somewhat attached to my father to escape my mother, but he was no treat and did an awful lot of damage himself. Your email T seems to be your only port and maybe that's why it is so hard to seek out others to replace her. I get the loyalty thing too (are you a capricorn by any chance?) as I have a terrible time unattaching myself from any but the most profoundly abusive relationships (and, given that I am still caring for my mother, I can't even do that very well). But there is a clear-thinking part of you that knows it is time to move on. You've read the literature--her style will not work for you. While there will never be the perfect therapist, there's definitely better out there.

Just cover your bases...for example, I have been working with a guy on bodywork since October. I am extremely attached to him. I have no idea why. He just makes me feel safe and cared for. Yet, his therapy doesn't seem to be helping me much. I get nuggets of wisdom now and again, but part of me knows I just keep going back because I like how I feel when I'm with him. But now I have an appointment for an evaluation with a different therapist whose approach might work better for me. I feel disloyal and scared and devastated by the possibility that I won't see the other guy again. So I have given myself permission to continue both for a little while and see which one "works" better. Someone suggested that you do that as well, and I agree. Keep your email T as your safety net while you try to connect with someone who can better meet your needs.

 

[Justmehere]

I've thought of everything. Not avoidable. Will be offline and unable to work ... the whole shebang. So, J and will ... I have no idea. Perhaps, if you remember enough of my story, you will see that this is perhaps written in the script. Pavement ... here I come ... again. Trauma re-enactment ... sigh.

Thinking of you and hoping you are doing alright.

BTW, I have been reading this thread and it's been really helpful for me. Thank you for being willing to brave this tough topic!

 

[Pencil]

Another day or two and I will be sorted out completely and online ...

 

[Pencil]

I'm getting freaked out by how attached I'm getting to this forum and some of the people on it.

Join the club ... pun intended :wtf:

I have found this forum especially helpful with Attachment 101 issues. I have the same attachment patterns on here as with 3D people, but it is so much easier to feel the emotions, look at dynamics objectively, sort it out, and see how fluctuating emotions are not valid - or rather, how the range of fluctuating emotions is really over the top, and work on that.