What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[ms spock]

Feeling massively anxious and paniky.

Feeling good that I managed my emotions better today though it was a tough day. I was refuting my thinking on and off today. I brought myself down from the anxiety and the panic.

 

[macca]

Apologies for posting again so soon.

New stuff is surfacing. I feel like I'm going crazy. I actually sometimes wonder if I am, if I've made everything up and am actually crazy.

 

[Hope4Now]

Today I am feeling very tired, but a little calmer than yesterday. I am taking some time after the morning family rush to sit with myself for a little before I dive into my day. I will use the time to try to listen to what I need. I know I can't fill all my needs, but maybe I can care for myself by filling one or two.

I have felt dissociated this afternoon, and a bit numb, due to the aftereffects of feeling like I've betrayed myself for telling. "Telling" has other, trauma-related connotations too, which now I think about it may explain the dissociation (that often occurs after a flashback for me).

This happens to me too. I think my struggle with dissociation yesterday (and it was a mighty one) is because I told my therapist some things I have never told anyone before. It's funny, I can "tell" a lot on this forum and it's okay. But communicating anything about my internal life in real words to a real person is very difficult (massive understatement). I'm glad it went okay with your brother, and hope that it goes well with your mother @macca

 

[macca]

Feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm not recognising myself in the mirror again, and that always freaks me out. It's extra weird when it happens that with my right eye I look like me, but with my left eye it doesn't. Sometimes both, but I find the different eyes seeing different things freaky. I also feel like my body is going through the motions, and I'm not really in it, just kind of getting dragged along after it. I hate this. I don't feel right. Posting here gives me a way to feel real for a bit. Going to try and sleep. Hope I don't have nightmares or flashbacks tonight.

 

[macca]

I'm posting to help myself ground. I was worried I would have a bad flashback, when I had trouble with the mirror, because it seemed like a frightened child in there. Had the new flashback of the face again earlier, but managed to get to sleep. Then nightmares. Then my husband went to the toilet and I was alone in the dark, and had a very bad flashback. I just couldn't pull out of it. Very nasty one. I feel sick.

 

[macca]

At least I feel real I guess. Right now anyway.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm angry. I'm really angry. I woke up a little late and had to rush to get to my therapy appointment in time. I got there at 5 minutes after. A few minutes later the front desk told me my therapist had just called down and said she'd be down to get me in a few minutes. At 25 after the front desk called me up and said my therapist just called down again and wanted me to reschedule.

This is the 3rd time since November I've driven the 20 - 25 minutes to therapy only to be sent away when I got there. The first two times it happened she was sick and I had been her first appointment and they hadn't made the cancellation calls yet. If this is going to be a regular occurrence I might have to consider my options.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am with you @BlackbirdSinging - Reconsider options. You deserve someone you can count on, who will be there.

@macca - You made nothing up, but I would have had a similar reaction telling my brother. You "broke all the rules" by talking about it, stating your reality, the one everyone denies by word or omission or behavior. I often get an internal backlash then. And I remember feeling and seeing my facial features sort of pulling apart in similar circumstances. Our old system is breaking down. That's good but it's scary and hurts. Our system fights back.

I am kind of bummed because I appear to have Prirformis Syndrome which presses against sciatic nerve which gives pain down my leg from butt. I am so so active. I don't want this to interfere with work outs, which help keep me balanced. I'm also like - this is with me now forever? Maybe not but...bummer! Other than that feel content.

 

[franciemarnie]

Plus hugs to all they could use any.

 

[therisa]

Sigh.

Not sure, where i should begin, but today, I am feeling so overwhelmed, by the events that are happening, right now, in my life. As I trying to get myself, ready for tomorrow's first vocal therapy session, to deal with my chronic and often paralyzing stuttering. Am, on the verge of unleashing, a flood wave of tears, which threatens to worsen my self-esteem, as my inner critic jumps with glee. Can feel my depression and angry rising, beyond my control, like I am worthless of any love.

 

[EverOnly358]

@EverOnly358 you have such a clear sense of yourself coming through all your self-frustration and self-flagellation. Breathe and try to feel some compassion even a little for your injured parts and feel proud for how hard you are working and what good intentions you have and the actions you have taken to carry them out.

Very good advice. :) Suffered from more nightmares and flashbacks last night... but this time around I took more time to comfort my inner children and try to have more compassion for myself.

As for yelling at my husband... he says I have a really warped sense of what's happening. People are allowed to get upset, to get mad, to yell over stupid things, like a lack of printer paper. In addition, he said it's totally normal, given my abnormal upbringing, to be angry and upset and crying over all this PTSD stuff, and he's okay with sitting and holding my hand through it all. I guess... I cannot wrap my head around the idea that I'm allowed to have "bad" emotions and that's okay. Too often as a kid... my emotions, my feelings, my needs were completely ignored... or if I tried to fight back or seek help, Jeez, that came back on me with the worst beatings ever. Trying to understand what's okay... when and how it's okay to express emotions... IT'S SO HARD! I feel like a baby. It was only last August that my emotions even turned back on after a long hiatus, when I was thoroughly stuck in being a Perfect Mom, Perfect Wife, Perfect Friend... she didn't get angry, she didn't address any of her feelings. Gah! This stuff is so difficult. But I'm determined.

So... today I'm feeling bad for my little temper tantrum yesterday on this thread. I'm feeling stupid that I cannot keep my posts to some reasonable length. I'm feeling tired from another night of nightmares and flashbacks. I'm continuing to feel grateful and hopeful... every time I go through this crap, it's another check mark on the list towards resolving some of my issues and feeling better overall. I tried to ignore my feelings for most of my life. I thought they didn't matter. That didn't work. Now I'm trying something different... and I can already see good results and I'm determined to keep going. So, that's what I'm feeling today. Oh, and I was feeling cold and hungry again, but I've got a warm house, sweaters and blankets and I just ate some delicious, healthy food. Things will be okay.

@Spiderallis, tea or hot chocolate... that sounds like a good idea. I'm going to do that. And I'm so sorry you had to go through all that as a child. Hugs! :hug:

@Hope4Now, so sorry you're going through so much! But I think it's so good that you're reaching out, both to your therapist and here on the forum. I don't think it's possible to post too much, so don't you worry about it! Hang in there. Hugs! :hug:

For that matter, lots of :hug: to all. It's so inspiring to see everyone fighting through so much, but still here, still hanging in there despite the struggles. @gizmo, today's got to be a difficult day for you. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I can't imagine how hard that must be! Be well, everyone.

 

[Spiderallis]

@therisa New things stir up all the emotions, don't they? I know it does for me. Wishing you the best with your vocal coaching- and hugs, if it's okay, lots of hugs.

@EverOnly358 Your husband sounds like a very smart and kind man. It's okay to feel feelings, all of them exist for a reason, even those 'bad' ones. Thank you for reminding me. Hugs to you too, and a mug of cocoa with marshmallows and everything.

Today I'm stressing out over my reaction to being stressed out, totally chasing my own tail around in a circle. Haven't figured out how to change direction and stop the cycle yet, but I'll keep trying.