At The End Of The Day

[Survivor2Thriver]

At the end of the day how do you feel about your abusers? Do you believe they're intelligent or ignorant? Or dangerously stupid?

Through the years I've felt many ways toward my abusers. Bewildered hurt sad angry you name it. As a child I learned to separate me from them. "The crazy ones." LOL I found a level of indifference that I feel saved my sanity. I associate abusive manipulation with ignorance and in most cases sheer stupidity. How does everyone else feel?

 

[Me Myself and I]

I believe they are deeply and damgerously damaged inside!!

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Do you believe they are capable in any shape form or fashion of giving an apology?

 

[Me Myself and I]

Capable and willing are two different things!!
Some may as well be capable. The problem is them not understanding (what the apology is for)or that (they don't owe anyone an apology) in the first place. Because very often, those who hurt badly a person, don't always understand to what extent they actually did.

But this of course is only my opinion, I might be wrong.

What do you think?

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

The problem is them not understanding (what the apology is for)or that (they don't owe anyone an apology) in the first place

Exactly! Truly abusive people use it as a means to abuse you again. If any of my abusers approached me and "said" they're sorry. I would agree with them. Yes..they are a sorry lot! They're stupid in the fact they think I or anyone else would actually believe them. They're stupid in the fact they use violence as a means of communication. We are human not animals.

 

[cherryblossom]

Honestly, I don't have much thought regarding the intellect of my abuser. Which seems to be what you are asking.

Do you believe they're intelligent or ignorant?

I really have no idea. I know he was only interested in one thing. Power. Power over me. Whether that makes him intelligent or ignorant I really don't know.

Do you believe they are capable in any shape form or fashion of giving an apology?

No I don't think he would ever give me an apology. The only reason I could see for him ever trying to find me again, would be to kill me to stop me reporting him. Since we are strangers, I can see no reason why he would ever try to try find me to apologise.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

The only reason I could see for him ever trying to find me again, would be to kill me to stop me reporting him.

I understand.

Power.

The power to abuse is and always will be sheer ignorance and/or stupidity.

I have found it most helpful to understand what drives abusive people. As a child I didn't have to give their lack of intelligence much thought. It was blatant. Impossible to miss. The coping skills I learned/used from this knowledge still serves my recovery today. :)

 

[Orglethorp]

My primary abuser was my father. I've come to understand, through information brought up by family members and through studying psychology, that not only did he struggle with (enjoy?) many addictions including alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, pornography and sex, and likely a whole lot more I don't care to know about, he also clearly has a cluster B personality disorder (I'd go as far as to specifically say Antisocial Personality Disorder with quite a bit of confidence), and he was sexually abused as a child and teenager himself by a neighbour kid and, later on, a pedophile hebophile (correct term!).

Do I believe he was absolutely aware of his choices and in control of his actions, and should thus some day be held accountable for his actions? Yes. Absolutely yes. Don't get me wrong here! But I also understand that he and I naturally have very different ideas of right and wrong, drastically different abilities to perceive the emotions and experiences of others, and polar opposite moral senses in general. He's an extremely intelligent man with a talent for charming those around him. Anyone who doesn't become a victim of his selfish actions never knows that he isn't a perfectly nice, normal man. His own brother didn't know what he'd done to my mother, sister and I until my aunt (their sister) told him after I made my report to the police when I was 19.

 

[Justmehere]

I had an abuser apologize in tears, in court, and the judge tried to stop him because his lawyer had not arrived yet. He plead guilty asked for more of a sentence than what was initially agreed upon - he said he wanted more time to get clean from meth. (He had been high when he randomly attacked me and my service dog the street.) He had been a PhD student and had gotten into meth after abusing adderal. His apology seemed as genuine as one could be under those circumstances. It was a confusing experience. It was not satisfying. There was some healing element, but not much. It did give me hope he would not be as likely to re-offend when asked for more time in jail so that he could do a rehab program in jail for the full length of the program.

No other abuser has ever apologized in any capacity. My abusive father had a PhD in aerospace engineering. One abuser had a diagnosed learning disability. One abuser had a day job of being a medical doctor.

I think some abusive perpetrators are of low intelligence and some are not. Some are broken and hurting people, too scared and/or hopeless to ask for help. I think some do not see their abusive actions in a bad light at all.

But for me, I tend to associate intelligence with increased potential to get away with abuse so much that I'm working in therapy at associating competent smart professionals with a possibility of not being abusive. Yeah, I'm kind of messed up...

 

[Lucycat]

My abuser spoke with my husband from jail. He was crying and saying how sorry he was. Yes - sorry for himself because it finally caught up with him. In court he had pleaded guilty, because I had said he did it. He claimed to have had no memory of abusing me and numerous others, but it was down to me to get him jailed - how manipulative to try and make me feel guilty for sending my elderly father to jail.

I think his abuse is unrelated to his intelligence. Yes it was power and control. The adult versus the child(ren). I cannot afford to have him back in my life in any way - I would go crazy again. He can manipulate with his eyes - just thinking about him gives me the creeps. Apology - no thank you. It cannot erase the past so what is the point?

 

[Tinyflame]

The thought causes me to get the 'creeps' too, as @Lucycat said. I think @Orglethorp is correct. My answer to the question would be 'neither'. I do however think they are ill. At the same time, I think nearly every human heart (I presume my own) has the capacity for great evil or good. "But for the grace of God there go I". I say to myself, something must have been meant to be learned from it, and also just bad luck (for me). Easy prey, but also they'd do it to everyone (or anyone, one even said so to me- he 'looked for widows with children, no males around'- I believe him).

So I guess my (our) experiences contribute to what each of us is meant to think, or understand; as a consequence we can speak up for or see what is happening for others, help or support them, whatever is unique to our nature (all different roles and reactions are good). In any case, make the cycle stop when or where we can. (Sorry this is badly worded, rushing).

Whatever you feel or have felt @Survivor2Thriver is right and good for you, it can change as you change also, likely will as you grow, in some ways (or we wouldn't be human- growing/ changing).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

For someone so indifferent, you sure do think about your abusers a LOT!

If you were truly indifferent, you wouldn't give a flying f--- either way. Who gives a damn about the intelligence level of their abuser? Does it matter? No. Geniuses with Einstein level IQ's are abusers, just as those who are mentally retarded. Intelligence isn't in the same realm as abuse.

Every second you spend thinking about them is a tick mark in their win column. (So far, they are winning.)