A Stage On My Journey: "unsplitting"?

[Bedbug]

For a little while now I have felt like an argument is raging inside my head. I can't hear exactly what is being said, but I can feel the passion on both sides. This post is an attempt to understand what is happening and see if anyone can relate to it. I expect it will be a bit of a jumble of thoughts. I apologise for that. I'm really struggling to make sense of what is happening to me.

I believe that something very profound happened to my personality after a period of childhood sexual abuse. It feels like a part of "me" split away, taking the memories of abuse with it. I feel very detached from the child I once was.

When I first began having flashbacks, I felt like something of an outsider. I saw myself from a perspective outside of my body, like a photograph or a video recording. In almost every instance my viewpoint was from over and behind the child's right shoulder. (I wonder if there is any significance to this.) Each flashback was very vivid, very real. The present would fade out until it was barely perceptible and the past event would happen again. Sometimes I would try to intervene as a grown woman, to scream at my abuser and try to pull her off the child, to punch and to kick her. I was not trying to protect myself in those moments. I was reacting to seeing a child being abused and was trying to protect that child.

However, I also experienced powerful emotions while watching and hearing what was happening in extraordinary detail. I thought that, in spite of my sense of detachment from the child, I was still feeling her emotional reaction to what was happening. It was as though these emotions (guilt, shame, betrayal, anger, disgust, fear, etc) were the child's memories and they were being projected into me from her split off, detached, place. We were separate, but connected.

Now I think I was imagining these emotions, rather than recalling them. Or, if I was recalling them, I was dampening them. Either way, I wasn't really feeling them and was still repressing the most painful part of each memory, while convincing myself that I had recalled it all. (From an Internal Family Systems point of view, is this a "firefighter" part preventing an "exile" part from fully getting out?)

I wonder if I have been progressing through stages in processing and am now on the verge of a new one. At first the memories were of something that happened to someone else. The event was recalled, but not seen from within. Some protective part of me knew that it would still be too painful to accept it into my sense of self (I was still too destabilised, too overwhelmed, too weak from the shock of recalling the memories), so I saw it from outside. The child was "other" - she was outside me, beside me, aside from me, anywhere but inside me. However, on some level I also always knew that she was me. As such, she needed to have emotional memories as well as visual and auditory memories. She needed to be a complete person and I needed to feel those emotions. Knowing that I couldn't cope with feeling again what I felt as a child, I imagined feelings or softened them. The protective part of me thought that this peculiar mix of fact and fiction would easier to handle. (Is this partly why I struggle with reading fiction and watching movies at the moment? I have fictionalised my own self. I can't separate from the fictional selves in the book or film. They flood me. Overwhelm me. Everything "overwhelms" me at the moment.)

I think my true feelings are starting to seep out. This is what the argument in my head is about. I recall an event and my version of how the child felt at the time. I then try to offer compassion, but she rages against it because I am still not acknowledging (witnessing? feeling?) her terrifying truth. She won't listen to me and I won't listen to her. I get afraid of her anger and push her away, trying to put her back into the box in which she spent so many years locked away. Only this time the lid doesn't quite shut and I am aware of her sitting there, seething at this latest betrayal. It is like the feeling when there has been a heated argument and the other person has stormed away into another room, out of sight. Their angry energy can still be felt.

I don't want this child to be "other" any more. She had to be, at first, to exist at all. It was the only way I could cope with the returning memories. But keeping her as "other" is yet another betrayal and I don't want to do that to her. It also furthers my denial. Even though I accept that the abuse happened, it didn't happen to me. It happened to "her".

I also have this sense that, if I continue to keep her outside, she is going to become so angry that she will kill me. Shortly before she spilt off from me, she was suicidal. Her attempt failed, and I remember perhaps a day or two afterwards. Then she was gone.

I've always thought of it as "she hid", "she split off from me". I carried on, with complete amnesia for her memories. She did me a favour by splitting off. Her options were die or hide. She failed at dying, so she hid. She hid so that I could live. But she is still suicidal. Although I am grateful to her, I am also angry. I may have lived my life in ignorance of what happened, but it still affected me. All my life I have been extremely introverted, pushed away people who care about me, had low self esteem, social anxiety, gender identity issues, a lack of trust. A familiar tale on this forum, sadly.

I also always has a sense of not quite being whole. I used to write a lot of melancholy, philosophical stories as a teenager and common phrases spoken by the characters were things like, "I don't feel quite whole with this much past" and "I only remember remembering and not what it was at all." It's like I always knew something had happened, but just couldn't grasp it.

Now I feel like I was the one who did the splitting. I split her off. I locked her up tight in a box and threw away the key. She is so angry at me. Abandoned, betrayed, neglected, unloved, hated.

The next step in processing seems to be to integrate with this child. To feel what she felt. I wonder if I will then also come to see the abuse through her eyes, rather than from over her right shoulder?

I can't speak to her as an "other" any more. I can't soothe her. She doesn't want to be spoken to. She needs to be heard. I have to find a way to be strong enough to let her have her voice. I have to listen, and then to feel. Only then can I help her, help myself, deal with the feelings.

And so I sit, in a strange state of calm unease. Some kind of temporary truce has been called. I feel like I have been given an ultimatum: If I don't invite her in, she will attack. I feel like I am contemplating letting an evil spirit lose in my head. But I also feel that it is the only way to dissipate her energy. I don’t know how long I have, or if I can cope with either of the alternatives I am facing.

 

[HelenB]

You have put so well everything inside you and I can relate so much to a lot of what you are saying.

In everything you have written you come off as so strong and so compassionate. The fear of the emotions still seems so strong and I know this for me is also the case, as I am wanting so much to be able to intergtate these parts but still so scared. I know for me that the self destruct also comes out of that fear, and the sense of how massively overwhelming it was at the time, but you are in control now, and there is another way, and I really believe that with the strength and determination you have, you are going to be able to get through this, and that all those places within you finally will be able to find the safety, which they do truely deserve, as you are able to intergtate them and bring yourself all back together.

What you have written is also an inspiration to me. You are safe and are doing everthing you can to face these things and bring them back together, even though it is so hard, and I do truely believe that will finally bring you true freedom, even though I know that it is such a difficult and hard process and am praying you really can find safety and peace within all of you, as you do face these things.

God bless
Helen

 

[Seasounds]

I, too, think it is a coping strategy, to disassociate when feelings are overwhelming. I like your process and thinking. In my going through a similar process, I can say that I was served by:

• Using an integrative, "wholistic", psychological approach, where, from my spiritual center, I would dialogue (empathize, validate, and move aspects towards trusting my spiritual and adult self), using creative visualization process. It is a continual process of negotiation and dialogue, working calmly with what presents itself. For example, you may not be able to always accommodate your younger aspect, but you can let her know you are not ignoring her, respect her, and that you care.
• Feeling the feelings of my inner child and expressing them (crying, hitting pillows, drawing, writing, etc), while holding the intention that these exercises moved me towards 'integrating', of my whole-self.
• Changing my perspective, starting from, that I am whole and have these different aspects of myself, rather than starting from a dis-integrated perspective that is working towards wholeness.
• Inviting my inner child/aspect to notice and partake in the gentle, and tender moments-when walking in nature, while taking a bath, while being treated respectfully by friends.
• Using psychosynthesis-for the integration work.
• Being patient with the process; if I felt trapped, in the tension, I had an agreement with my whole self, to do something fun, to bring All of me along.

 

[Bedbug]

I really believe that with the strength and determination you have, you are going to be able to get through this

Thank you for saying that. I have never lost hope, but sometimes it gets overshadowed by fear. You are a great cheerleader!

@change, thank you for letting me know that you have also experienced something similar.

I worry about working with a lot of "inner child" stuff. For one thing, mine is not "inner" so I feel it isn't appropriate, but I think that's an avoidance tactic. Nonetheless, I also fear that focusing on an inner child can encourage more permanent splitting to the point of developing Dissociative Identity Disorder, or inventing memories to flesh out the inner child's personality (in that respect, your "younger aspect" terminology is helpful). But I think my greatest worry is the child/aspect herself. I will try some of your suggestions.

Changing my perspective, starting from, that I am whole and have these different aspects of myself, rather than starting from a dis-integrated perspective that is working towards wholeness.

I like this.

Using psychosynthesis-for the integration work.

Ah ha, more reading! Intriguing. Thank you!

Being patient with the process

Yes, I agree. But it's so frustrating!

 

[Echo]

@Bedbug - I am so sorry you are struggling with this and it is causing you so much anguish and self-doubt. As you know I am apparently at the same stage as you. You describe exactly how it has been for me thus far. Always the observer's perspective; to start with, in my case, seen through a white mist, though this is no longer the case. Despite this vantage point, the emotions come up and wallop you, don't they?

I wonder if it is a cyclical process, whereby we approach gradually ever nearer until we can fully be present to it. My therapist keeps telling me that we don't have to remember, but like you I evidently have parts or me at various key ages who want to be recognised and feel angry and betrayed, for reasons I don't understand. I have wondered today whether those parts are projecting what they felt then towards my abusers and supposed sources of comfort (who failed to be so) onto me now. I wondered whether my 20-year old self is actually furious at whatever and whoever surrounded her then, and she is giving voice to that (probably utterly suppressed at the time), but apparently directing it at me. My job perhaps then is not to take it personally (if you like) but to recognise the force of what she felt then and is still feeling.

Anyway, reading what you have written here, I am struck by how hard you are being on yourself. You are really trying hard and doing all you know how to to resolve this for the best. You cannot, none of us can, approach it any closer than you can yet manage, otherwise it would be too overwhelming for you.

I suppose in the end we will find ways to discharge the trauma energy and be able to see these scenes or memories as fully as we ever will be able to, but without the danger and fear. That will be the point, I hope, that we will consign them to their rightful place in the past, and sad and disgusting as they may well remain, they will no longer direct our actions and create such dreadful fear and anguish in us.

Sorry this is so brief. I'd better get back to work, but you were so kind to me, that I wanted to offer you some meagre support, in my turn.

 

[Bedbug]

(((@Echo)))

Now, get back to work! :-)

 

[Echo]

Yes, boss!!

 

[Bedbug]

You describe exactly how it has been for me thus far. Always the observer's perspective

I am so glad this isn't just my experience. I have spent months worrying that it is "proof" that I have invented these flashbacks, along with the whole abuse story (I do this a lot). It seemed so impossible. A true memory would always be recalled from the original perspective. It couldn't be seen from a fictional observer's perspective. Thank you for helping to quieten my own doubting voice.

I wonder if it is a cyclical process, whereby we approach gradually ever nearer until we can fully be present to it.

This seems likely.

I have wondered today whether those parts are projecting what they felt then towards my abusers and supposed sources of comfort (who failed to be so) onto me now. I wondered whether my 20-year old self is actually furious at whatever and whoever surrounded her then, and she is giving voice to that (probably utterly suppressed at the time), but apparently directing it at me. My job perhaps then is not to take it personally (if you like) but to recognise the force of what she felt then and is still feeling.

Oh, now there's a thought! This is very interesting. Off to ponder...

 

[It's all my fault]

Bedbug, I'm sorry to hear of your trauma. I know all to well both physical and sexual abuse as a poor innocent child. I am hoping you are working with a trauma specialist to help you thru this process and I hope it goes well. If you haven't researched inner family system therapy you might find it useful. "Normal" people have subpersonalities or "parts". Everyone does. Children with severe trauma may have more of them, they may be malfuntioning and they are meant for protection of the true self. We dissociate to shut down, get out of our head and away from horrific situations. This too is for protection. The problem is these protection mechanisms don't work anymore as we are no longer children. I too have a little girl part. She is absolutely terrified. The thoughts of anyone, even my self (!) talking to her is overwhelming to the point of suicidality. I don't know if she can ever get relief. There is another part that wants to kill her! Nice huh?
Hopefully we can get thru this with the guidance of a trauma specialist trained in parts work, EMDR and somatic experiencing. I wish you the best and the malfunctioning parts in your head to be able to rest.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi Bedbug! Am sending you hugs. I get exactly what you are talking about, I think. I have a lot of traumas I do remember in addition to things I know I still don't remember. I am struggling, too, with very angry suicidal parts of myself. And, oddly enough, much of what I "see" is from the perspective of over the part's right shoulder. (I see some of the other things from different perspectives--head on...like through her eyes even though the emotions are pretty cut off.

It was as though these emotions (guilt, shame, betrayal, anger, disgust, fear, etc) were the child's memories and they were being projected into me from her split off, detached, place. We were separate, but connected.

Yes.

Now I think I was imagining these emotions, rather than recalling them. Or, if I was recalling them, I was dampening them. Either way, I wasn't really feeling them and was still repressing the most painful part of each memory, while convincing myself that I had recalled it all. (From an Internal Family Systems point of view, is this a "firefighter" part preventing an "exile" part from fully getting out?)

I feel like this too. It is as if the cognitive part of me assumes what the "right" emotions are, and maybe I have some recall of the emotional state, but my parts' emotions are separate from mine. As I'm not expert yet at IFS, I shouldn't presume to answer your question on this, but I will anyway. There is a part of you--separate from the traumatized child--that is telling you that you are imagining the emotions. There is another part of you, also separate from the others, that is very concerned that you do all this the right way. There is another part of you that is a protector/savior part. There's yet another part that is very scared (that one may be an overlay to your traumatized child part. All these parts have good and protective intentions for you. They are protecting you from being overwhelmed. When @change talks about the "continual process of negotiation and dialog," she's so right. Our current self must constantly work to interact with and balance all these energies so that we can access the traumatized young ones inside us. It is really hard.

(Is this partly why I struggle with reading fiction and watching movies at the moment? I have fictionalised my own self. I can't separate from the fictional selves in the book or film. They flood me. Overwhelm me. Everything "overwhelms" me at the moment.)

I wondered this about me too. You obviously are a reader and sensitive to fiction. I am too, as you know. I am starting to try to use this to carry out my healing in the IFS way. Because there is a lot of imagination and creative visualization required to negotiate with all these parts. And to some extent, they don't seem real because they are in the past, not the present. We are imagining these parts in order for our present selves to process all of this.

Trauma therapy seems to have three phases: containment/stabilization, processing, and integrating. It sounds as if you're trying to do all three at the same time, and that is probably too much. Setting the bar way too high. Right now, you need to work on stabilization, and that means getting to know your parts, learning from them what their concerns are and how they interact with one another and what they want. And containing them while you try to support them. All of this is happening at what one might call an "imaginative level" although it is very real.

I just wrote in my trauma diary, "narrative is sequential but trauma is simultaneous." The work of containment, I think, is to impose some sequence of need-meeting onto all these parts of you that are screaming for your attention and overwhelming you. My therapist told me to imagine being a pre-school or kindergarten teacher with a big class of noisy, needy kids. You need to get to know their personalities, needs, and desires individually. When the group is wild (as they are in traumatized people), you need to Ifind ways to distract and contain them so that you can deal with their crises one at a time.

Only this time the lid doesn't quite shut and I am aware of her sitting there, seething at this latest betrayal. It is like the feeling when there has been a heated argument and the other person has stormed away into another room, out of sight. Their angry energy can still be felt.

Yes. I have this experience with some of my young parts. Most of them, I've had to "contain" so that I can deal with a current, really active part. It's hard. This one has not yet become suicidal or self-destructive, but she certainly doesn't trust me to protect her from all the other ugly energies that are swarming and threatening. She keeps running away and sometimes I can't find her. I know she is seething and likely to explode in anger. Your exiled part of yourself needs to learn to trust YOU...the current you...and that you're heart will be open to her and compassionate with her. If you are afraid of her, then the part you need to work with first is the fear part. Find a container for it, acknowledge that it is trying to protect you, and ask it if it would be willing to give you some space so that you can spend time with your traumatized part.

don't want this child to be "other" any more. She had to be, at first, to exist at all. It was the only way I could cope with the returning memories. But keeping her as "other" is yet another betrayal and I don't want to do that to her. It also furthers my denial. Even though I accept that the abuse happened, it didn't happen to me. It happened to "her".

Don't rush it. She doesn't have to be fully part of you yet. She's there. Ask her what kind of space she would like to hang out in during the time you're getting to know her, and create that space with her. Ask her what kinds of things she'd like to have in that space. Let her know that you want her to be closer to you when you both feel ready, but for now, you can do it a little at a time. If she feels comfortable, invite her to stay close to you, but let her know that you need a lot of space to deal with some other things as well. My therapist suggested to me that I create a container that has "windows" so my child-part can see me and I her, but she is protected from all these other toxic energies I'm working to contain. And, so I am protected from her overwhelming me. He said, in no uncertain terms, that I need to manage her as well. (She merged with me in a very scary way during a therapy appointment). It is an aspect of negotiating with parts--they need to respect your needs in the present moment, and must be requested to not overhwhelm you with their pain and emotions...just a little at a time.

She did me a favour by splitting off. Her options were die or hide. She failed at dying, so she hid. She hid so that I could live. But she is still suicidal. Although I am grateful to her, I am also angry. I may have lived my life in ignorance of what happened, but it still affected me. All my life I have been extremely introverted, pushed away people who care about me, had low self esteem, social anxiety, gender identity issues, a lack of trust. A familiar tale on this forum, sadly.

Oh, yes, so familiar, all of it.

To feel what she felt. I wonder if I will then also come to see the abuse through her eyes, rather than from over her right shoulder?

Again, a little at a time.

I can't speak to her as an "other" any more. I can't soothe her. She doesn't want to be spoken to. She needs to be heard. I have to find a way to be strong enough to let her have her voice. I have to listen, and then to feel. Only then can I help her, help myself, deal with the feelings.

See what I wrote above. This is very important. You CAN soothe her...you just can't do it all at once. Just a little at a time. Acknowledge that she herself is frightened and angry and overwhelmed--that you know that and feel compassion for her and what happened to her (even if she doesn't feel part of you yet). Let her know that you want to support her, but that you need to take things one step at a time, and so does she. Ask her what she'd like, then provide it for her in your imagination. But if it's self-destruction, or lashing out at you, remember that is not her--those are other parts of you that are preventing you from getting to know her, so you need to deal with those first.

For example, you may not be able to always accommodate your younger aspect, but you can let her know you are not ignoring her, respect her, and that you care.

Yes!

I evidently have parts or me at various key ages who want to be recognised and feel angry and betrayed, for reasons I don't understand. I have wondered today whether those parts are projecting what they felt then towards my abusers and supposed sources of comfort (who failed to be so) onto me now. I wondered whether my 20-year old self is actually furious at whatever and whoever surrounded her then, and she is giving voice to that (probably utterly suppressed at the time), but apparently directing it at me. My job perhaps then is not to take it personally (if you like) but to recognise the force of what she felt then and is still feeling.

Yes, I feel that's what's happening to me as well. I guess if there's transference in therapy, there must also be transference within our parts!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good luck with integration. I think this sense of "parts" is a bit different than the IFST sense of parts in that you're dealing with it in a dissociative/trauma sense and IFST deals with it in a universal (everyone has parts) sense.

I know very little about integration, mainly that there is a mapping process, but nothing else as the "parts" people had treatment that was quite different than mine in the trauma hospital. Perhaps research integration in the DID sense?

 

[Bedbug]

@Solara, thank you! Your post led me to find this article:

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