What If My Therapist Drops Me?

[It's all my fault]

I started therapy with a trauma specialist in July. She is wonderful and I think I may actually someday get well with her help. But, I overdosed in July and went into the hospital. When I got discharged I didn't tell her what I had done, only that I was more depressed and suicidal. This was our 2 nd visit. So when she found out that I acted on my suicidal thoughts she freaked. Said "oh no, I'm not doing this again. It was horrible and I'm not going to put myself thru that again. I'm an independent practitioner and maybe you need to go to a larger group". So I tell her it won't happen and she said ok, well if I continue to see you and you do act on your thoughts I want you to know I have the option of terminating therapy! I'm not saying that I will terminate you but I will have the option to do so. Her statement actually terrified me and I believe has kept me from being impulsive at times. I wrote her a letter this past summer saying basically that I felt I couldn't talk about my suicidal thoughts with her because I felt she couldn't handle it due to someone in her care taking their life. She said absolutely not, talking is fine, action is not. So here is my dilemma. I burned myself about 2 months ago and when I got up the guts to tell her she had a look of horror on her face. She told me to try ice and a few other things that I hadn't tried. The ice has been working when I need it up until now. She has been away for 9 days and the ice hasn't worked. Twice I've resorted back to something that does. When I see her Wednesday I'm afraid to tell her because I absolutely can not handle any anger, even the hint of her getting mad is terrifying. She will be angry I didn't reach out but I was afraid of her reaction, even her frowning will freak me out! Stupid! What if I tell her and she thinks I'm too much to handle?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I honestly don't think this is a good dynamic for you. Your relationship with your therapist is based on fear. PTSD is all about fear so I don't see this as being a relationship that will move you forward in healing unless you can let go of your fear that she will terminate.

Honestly, if she can't handle a client who acts on self harm, it's time for her to move on to couples counseling. She's not doing any of her clients a favor.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

It feels like there's an element of manipulation here, that she's (even if unintentionally) using her fears against you to curb your behaviour with the threat of terminating therapy - which is terrible for you and even if I'm wrong and she's not using it against you, she's clearly not capable of handling you - which for a therapist isn't great - suicidal ideation and self harm are very common things for therapists to deal with, especially one who treats patients with serious mental health conditions and/or a trauma history. It sounds like she isn't qualified/trained to treat you. Fear of anger and confrontation is normal, especially with child abuse and domestic violence, again this is something you should be able to take to the therapeutic session and be allowed to express, to talk freely and not feel judged. If your therapist can't handle you (and that is her job) that's her problem not yours. Maybe you should look for a different therapist, not because you're not good enough for her, but because she's not good enough for you.

 

[scout86]

Twice in therapy, I've said something and my T has notably cringed. Something I do, for better or worse, is try to protect people I like/care about from "stuff". I actually like this guy a lot, so he's a candidate for membership in the group where I'll take a hit myself before I let them take one.

We are now getting to a point where we're at least talking about talking about some hard stuff. One of the things I'm worried about is "How can I say things I don't want to say to begin with, if I know it's going to cause him some kind of pain?" And, I KNOW that, at some point, we're going to have to go there. So, I flat out asked him that. He looked at the ceiling for a bit, which he NEVER does, sighed, and said that he knew what I was talking about because he's seen himself do it in videos of therapy sessions. He said not to worry about it. It's "him", it's just something he does. He says it helps him ground himself. Ok? I guess? I'm not sure what he means by that, but I don't think I have to know. His point was that he'll be fine, I don't have to worry about him.

The other day, we were talking about the suicide of a good friend of mine. My T said that he always reads the obituaries, because he worries about that kind of stuff. I get that. He comes off as a caring, compassionate person who really does care about his clients. Sometimes you pay a price for that kind of thing. Therapists are human and I'm sure they all have their limits. I'm glad I talked about this with him. I really DO like him and trust him more than most people. I can't imagine trying to do this again and chances are I just wouldn't. (That's just me!) So, he says he's going to be ok & I'll take him at his word. You might get a different answer from a different person, though, so it's good to explore the issue.

To directly answer your question, though, if she drops you, then you'd better find someone else who can deal with the realities of the situation. Maybe your current T can help you with that and maybe you need to have THAT conversation.

 

[joeylittle]

I think, like @Solara , that this might not be the right person for you. If you can flip it around in your mind - this really isn't about her dropping you, you are the client - its about whether you can keep working with her now that you recognize you have this fear. I'd suggest going in and telling her this:

I burned myself about 2 months ago and when I got up the guts to tell her she had a look of horror on her face. She told me to try ice and a few other things that I hadn't tried. The ice has been working when I need it up until now. She has been away for 9 days and the ice hasn't worked. Twice I've resorted back to something that does. When I see her Wednesday I'm afraid to tell her because I absolutely can not handle any anger, even the hint of her getting mad is terrifying. She will be angry I didn't reach out but I was afraid of her reaction, even her frowning will freak me out!

And then asking her if she thinks it is productive for the two of you to keep working together. It is important that she hear and understand your fear to reach out to her because of her past reactions. If she can't modify her response to your struggle with self-harm, she should not be working with you - and you deserve someone who can work with ALL of you, not just the parts that they are comfortable with.

(Totally irrelevant to your question, but my T suggested getting into a cold shower when ice doesn't work.)

 

[Samantha_38]

Sounds like a bad dynamic to me as well. Fear and anger and the sorts of reactions it sounds like she gives you would push me to harm myself more. My T does not have these reactions when I tell him about my self harm. It's something he wants to work on, and he has made known that he doesn't agree with it, but has also said that he doesn't think it is something I am ready to give up so he respects that. He just hopes someday when I'm ready I will eventually stop, with his help or that of another T of course. I'm not afraid to tell him when I've done it, except for I don't like showing him and he usually asks to see. Otherwise I basically tell him every time I even feel like doing it.

You also should not be afraid to tell her when you're having suicidal thoughts, except for to the extent that anyone wouldn't feel like talking about it. If the only reason you aren't hurting yourself, and aren't going through with suicidal actions is because you are afraid of her...what will happen when she's gone? Either from terminating the relationship, or if you get to the point you are done with therapy. Not doing something out of fear is different from not doing it because you're better.

I would talk to her if you feel comfortable to do so, but if you continue to feel afraid, as hard as it is, I would look for someone else.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

it sounds like she gives you would push me to harm myself more

Just wanted to second this.

 

[Echo]

I think the thing that concerns me here, is if you were to find yourself in a position that you felt that bad and did make an attempt, and as a consequence would lose her just when you needed support, is that that would be a very bad situation for you. I almost feel as if she is trying (perhaps unconsciously, though it shouldn't be in a professional) to put her trauma onto you. At the very least, you need to have clarity about this with her. I would hate you to think, ok, I'm feeling so bad, there is no point anyway because I'm going to lose my therapist. Please value yourself enough - and you deserve to - to find out if she can alter her stance, and, if not, I hope you can find someone more suited to the needs of someone dealing with trauma.

 

[greenleaf]

I agree with the other folks here who've said she's probably not the best fit for anyone with trauma who has any sort of suicidal ideation, whether or not they have ever acted on it. It seems like she can't deal with the possibility even of self-harm, and really focuses on her needs, not yours, so she should be honest and not present herself as a therapist for ptsd folks - since so many have these thoughts etc.

I'm really sorry she seems like such a good fit in other ways! On the other hand, now you know that it's possible to find someone who can help in these other ways, so perhaps you know better what to look for (minus her problem with this.)

 

[ms spock]

I started therapy with a trauma specialist

This woman is not a trauma specialist. She doesn't even possess the basic skills to work with anyone with PTSD.

She should have talked about her issues with suicidal ideation with her supervisor and not you. It is totally inappropriate.

I wasted almost two decades of my life being under inappropriate professionals.

She actually needs a therapy to deal with her own issues/trauma. She also needs to be in supervision to deal with her issues coming out with her clients.

People who have trauma histories, on the whole don't make good mental health professionals. They often do a lot more harm than good.

 

[stillstanding2]

Twice in therapy, I've said something and my T has notably cringed. Something I do, for better or worse,...

Hi. You seem to have a good rapport with your therapist and may be making important progress with him. You need to keep in mind that your therapist is not a family member or life-long friend IN THE CAPACITY FOR WHICH YOU HIRED HIM.

Over nearly 25 years, my counselor and I have become almost like family on a personal level, but she is in a special place, since I pay her to hear anything that occurs to me. She knows me better than I do, and sometimes she has cringed, rolled her eyes humorously, and scolded. But that is her job. By being who she is, I don't have to hide anything. She's repeatedly saved my life in her unique role. That's the kind of patient-client rapport that works for me. I wish that for all of us.

If you seek another therapist, interview him or her for the job of hearing it all without judgement, but with compassion and a duty to help in any way. Don't settle for less. Your T can become your most trusted friend, as well as your employee. Take care.