It's A Bad Night

[joeylittle]

I just need a place to put these thoughts.

My primary trauma happened over a Friday-Sunday. Now that I am addressing it, I find the weekends have gotten very hard to navigate, emotionally. Friday I was in a very bad place, and called my therapist (as he always encourages me to do, but I almost never take him up on); however, there was no callback. A few hours later I was still unable to get myself grounded, so I tried again. No callback.

I knew there must be something wrong with his notification system - but that didn't take away the fact that the only support system I had was now broken. I am alone in the world, and that in and of itself increases my SI every day. Tomorrow is my birthday, which is a day I dread because of the aloneness. The anniversary of my trauma is coming up very soon. And the one person I have - not even for comfort, only for therapeutic support - that one person might not be there when I need them.

Of course, I know that is true; and life sometimes happens, it was nothing more than a run-down battery that kept him from getting the message.

And yet, in my emotional reasoning, I feel that I have proof now: I am completely alone in the real world. I don't want to live this life anymore, but there seems to be no way to change it. I've been managing chronic suicidality since I was quite young. I'm no longer young. I am old and tired and alone and suffering.

I'm completely safe; I still believe in my therapist enough to respect our contract for safety. I worry, though, that I might stop believing in him and his support.

Thanks for reading. Advice, stories, thoughts all welcome.

 

[Hope4future]

Joeylittle,
I'm sorry that you're struggling, and I'm sorry that your therapist was unable to call you back when you needed him to. If it's any comfort, something similar happened between me and my T and, in the end, it actually helped build more trust because of the way it was handled. I had never had someone apologize for not being there as he had said he would be and then take action to fix the problem so it wouldn't happen again ( His answering service didn't ring his cell phone when I asked them to. It was the first time I had ever done that instead of leaving a message, and because it was a weekend, it took two days for him to get the message and return my call). It wasn't what I had expected (which was nothing) that I realized how seriously he takes his commitment to helping and being there when he says he will. An amazing new concept in my world. I was worth caring about. Doesn't seem possible.

I can also relate to the chronic suicidality and not wanting to live this life anymore after so many years of pain. I don't really have any advice, just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Overall, I just want you to know that you aren't alone in your journey. As someone said on here, we're all on the same road, just in different places.

It feels lonely and you might be isolated, but you reached out here, so now let us walk alongside you for awhile.

Take care.

 

[billie]

If you were alone I would not respond to you. I too have no real support, so I have to challenge my thoughts too. I hate feeling alone, but stay here with us and this forum can help you hun. (((Hugs))) if you accept them. I feel my only true support are my drs and this place. I can definitely relate to your feelings of loneliness.

 

[franciemarnie]

I was alone for a long, long time and the weekends were yawning abysses. But things changed eventually.

You are in therapy and so you will change, and when you change - it seems like everything else changes too - in a good way.

I swear to you it will not always be like this.

But I remember it well and it felt awful.

Be the nicest, most wonderful-est person to yourself you can be in the meantime. This time will pass so make it the best you can until the day comes when you feel good again and have people in your life that are worthy of you and who care for you as you care for them.

 

[Notsowild]

@joeylittle

I amcompletely alone in the real world. I don't want to live this life anymore

I can so relate to this. It feels so overwhelming for me right now too. Since my second trauma I have all these new symptoms. It's just too much to handle. I have a job where no one cares what I'm going through. If anything they're putting more stress on me. I have family but I feel like such a burden to them. I'm trying so hard to work through this but everyday I get more stresses to deal with. The best thing is this forum full of people who care and understand. If not for this I would not be here.

 

[scout86]

Must be something in the air this weekend.... Anyway, you're not completely alone, you have people here, if nowhere else.

 

[joeylittle]

Thank you all for writing. It does help, very much. :hug:

 

[yoshixvx]

Must be something in the air this weekend....

Yeah, I feel it too.

@joeylittle Hang in there.. the feelings are only temporary and will subside. And if they don't, that's ok.. help is out there. Or at least this forum to support each other, which is sometimes better at illustrating that you're not actually alone. :)

 

[joeylittle]

Thanks @yoshixvx . The day is almost over, and I'm still here. I hate not having real life help, but am so grateful for places like this.