Undiagnosed Me... Ptsd...

[kstg]

I am a victim of a classic psychopath, and had no idea what happened to me before it was too late. I can't really explain why it is so bad, as it is hard to put into words, it just is. It is not like a crushed heart or a bad relationship being over. It is like waking up from insanity and finding out you no longer have a soul. It has to be experienced, I think, to get it.

He suddenly vanished one morning, and I realized what he had done to me for years. You could say it feels like my life partner died a sudden and unexpected death. And you could say he also murdered my life partner. So I miss him and am shocked by him at once. And in addition you could say that the life partner I thought I had, was just a mirage that never existed. As if he was a fantasy in my head, put there by him. It's such a crazy cocktail of realisations hitting me after he disappeared.

For months and months now I have not functioned. I find no joy in anything. I swing between suicidal and desperation to feel better, but it is not going well. I almost don't sleep and I have a constant nervous vibrating feeling inside. It feels a bit like my nerves went into resonant frequencies and it does not stop. I feel as if I'll just collapse cause of it, die from nerves just collapsing like a bridge hitting resonant frequencies and falling apart, if you have seen such videos.

I can't relax, can't sleep, can't move or behave naturally. I start crying randomly, but it gives no relief. I feel nothing normal, just as if I'm having eyes wide open staring at nothing. No connection. I feel detached from things sort of.

I'm escaping into the internet, pushing so hard for escape, cause reality feels bad. What used to feel good - just sitting watching clouds for example, or enjoying a coffee in an outdoor cafe, or playing with the kids - feel like horrible experiences. I'm so restless, Some sort of vacuum is chasing me internally. I'm yelling at people I love if they intrude on me when I escape, cause they pull at me to be normal. I rush away from any situation that should feel good. Reality feels painful, and I don't wanna be there. There is no pain there rationally anymore, since the psychopath is gone. I should be ok now. Yet I am anything but ok. I am just so unable to cope with ... something that I can't explain.


Why I am here? Cause I'm so desperate for help, and I got kicked out from a forum for psychopath victims, I don't even know why I was kicked out. Possibly for being desperate? I was never kicked out from a forum before. I think I'm a normal perosn, but apparently I am not seen as normal anymore, since I get kicked out from trauma sites for being traumatised. Please don't kick me out. I need somebody to help me.

I read that psychopaths may give PTSD, that's why I'm here. I don't know if I have PTSD and I don't wanna talk with anyone irl about it, who could diagnose me, so it doesn't matter if I have or not. I did not even tell anyone in real life what I'm going through. I can't talk with anyone. Please don't tell me to go to therapy. I just can't. Oh, I think saying that was what got me kicked out from the other forum. I think they thought I was not in pain since i did not want to seek help. It is not so. I just hurt too much to take being dissected now on top. I would feel like being cut in pieces on top of collapsing inside. I just cannot do it.

Probably nobody here can help me, and I may not even fit here. In that case I am sorry. I just don't know what to do.

 

[novemberDark]

Hi

 

[Notsowild]

@kstg...so sorry for all your pain. Yes I understand about not being able to relax, insomnia, and feeling detached. Since my last trauma I have had so many awful symptoms. But this forum is great. It's full of great information and wonderful knowledgable people. Welcome.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there -

Welcome.

It is really hard to deal with things that you think are going to last that don't last - at least for me it is. Don't know if that is what you are going through or not but for me it was hard.

Hope you find peace -

Namaste - Laurie

 

[kstg]

I go through a lot of thing I think. Or maybe I don't go through them at all. It feels like everything just stopped.

The man I loved, and thought loved me does not exist.
I entered the relationship 3 years ago, and at first it was like having a soul mate. 3 years later, he has built a network of lies, so enormous that when he disappeared, it felt like waking up from a mental illness. He does not exist nor as the person I loved nor as a real person in real life at all. By that I mean that the person I thought I loved, was just a personality he built to have me hooked. He did it so that he could hurt me. This is how psychopaths work, I have learned the last months. They find a victim, pretend to be their soul mate, and start manipulating. His goal must have been to crash me. For 3 years he built the lies! 3 years! He said he loved me, said he wanted me to be happy, but at the same time, he schemed in the background how to hurt me the most one day in the future. That day arrived some months ago.

In the relationship, he went from being a kind man and a soulmate, to a violent man abusing me physically (he could beat me almost to death) and a person abusing me emotionally and mentally (by blaming me). I was already so in love, and thought he went through a bad fase, so I was expecting it to go away, that he would be nice again soon. But now I know it was all calculated, to hurt me more.

On the side of the relationship, he set up a fake business, pretended to earn money for us, and had me put myself in geopardy of losing the house by taking economic risks. It is what you do when you are in a relationship, as you think you are in it together.

The last months before leaving, he was very sweet and loving. He said the night before leaving that I am amazing and that he wants me to be happy and that he will make sure I manage my debts, as I expressed worry, since I have kids that I need to take care of, and since I work a lot but as I run my own company, income may stop any day as times are hard for my clients. The next morning he was gone. As were my money.

The police cannot find him. His friend cannot find him. His family does not exist. He does not exist. For 10 years he has built a fake identity, and the person he said he was never existed at all.

He was a psychopath. He did this to harm me. He managed.

It was not so much money, so it does not justify 3 years of work at all. The main goal must have been to harm me, by making me love him, then humiliate me by abusing me, then giving me hope by being very sweet and kind with me for a while when I said it had to be over unless he stopped beating me up. Then suddenly being gone, without an explanation, without any traces.

And then I realized I had lived in a mirage, sort of.

I guess what I SHOULD be processing is:

1. Sudden "death" of a partner
2. Domestic abuse that ended in nothing for me
3. Fear (I am scared he left poison in my house, or will come back and kill me. Since he was a stranger living in my house, all the time wanting to harm me, I cannot know what more he did to me or will do to me).
4. Anger with having invested so much and forgiven so much for the sake of love, when he is not even capable of loving (psychopaths have no empathy), but pretended to love and did it well.
5. Shock over having been love scammed
6. And probably a lot more things, that are there even when you have a normal break up or a normal loss of a partner and much more since this is so full of crazy


As I'm sitting here being shocked so much I can't move, I am getting economic issues, children are being a bit neglected, even if I mechanically am their mom, my work/company is somewhat neglected, house chores - it's a mess... all the things that I have to cope with to even have an income and a life, but at the moment are not able to tend to in a good way.

And I have nobody to talk with (psychopaths isolate their vicitms, as did this man, in a very clever way, since again - he said that I should socialize, but he isolated me through creating invented drama where I had to support him, and thus lost people close to me, so I have lost my family and friends, and I cannot talk with them, as I feel too shocked, and people do not understand. They think I have a broken heart, since they thought I had a relationship. I have no heart, no soul at all. It feels more like waking up from schizophrenia where you thought you had a lover and thought you were fighting to get a good relationship with him, only to find out you were possessed by a demon wanting to harm you.

Also my health going downhill, with all sort of weird symptoms, probably cause of not sleeping for so long, and smoking so much for some time and not finding motivation to go out of the house unless the need for food is pressing.

I'm inside a shock wave and the shock wave does not stop.

 

[kstg]

Hi

Hi :)

@kstg...so sorry for all your pain. Yes I understand about not being able to relax, insomnia, and feeling detached.

Thank you :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi kstg,

Welcome to the forum! :)

Many people find that PTSD surfaces in full force when they are in a situation where they are fairly safe. This site has a lot of information about PTSD and different tools that can be used to help manage the symptoms. Also the support here is invaluable as you work on recovery and reclaiming your life.

Debbie

 

[kstg]

Thank you, intothelight,

I am not totally sure how to use the forum yet, but I hope to find help.

I do not even know if I have PTSD, and I do not really know much about the symptoms of PTSD yet.I was just told by somebody on another forum that I should look into PTSD (as I complained about not sleeping much the last 3 months).

Please feel free to give me feedback.

I really am a bit desperate to damage control if I can, but it seems I am getting worse with time, not better. People keep telling me to give it time, but as time passes, I feel more and more restless and sleepless. It is really horrible. What if I stay this way forever? I really want to be normal again.

I will browse the site for a while, and try and understand PTSD and the forum.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi Kstg -
Thanks for letting us know what you are going through. Many prayers for you.

It seemed like the guy took everything from you almost but you still do have a good heart.

And it will not stay this way forever - just be being here you are already getting better.

Namaste - Laurie

 

[kstg]

Thank you. :-)

 

[ms spock]

Good luck in your recovery kstg. I hope you read all the information here and become educated in the ways that are helpful for you to manage your PTSD.