Samantha_38
Silver Member
I was SO afraid to have a flashback at therapy. This is my first time in therapy voluntarily, and it was one of my biggest fears to have a flashback in front of him.
Well, it happened today. It's only the 5th appointment, but we have talked about my past and trauma. Mostly through email, because I'm having a hard time opening up, but we have talked about it there a bit too. He asked today if there was anything else about my past I thought he should know, or that I haven't told him and wanted to.
Well....bad question honestly. Of course there's things I haven't told him. There's things I haven't told anyone. Do I want to tell him? I don't even know. I told him there were things, but I didn't know for sure if I wanted to tell him. Then, "What sort of things..." This went on probably forever, with me feeling like I just needed to yell my secret out, but everything locking it in, so I let out small bits that meant basically nothing, with him asking for more. Eventually we got to the part where there was not much else to say except the 1 sentence of what happened. I was freaking out, eventually I said enough for him to understand. No one else would have, but due to our email conversations, he knew what I was saying.
That's all I remember. Then flashback and dissociation. Eventually I came out of it, and felt terrible. He talked me through it, saying I didn't need to feel bad about it. I was pretty shut down for awhile, so I mostly just listened and periodically gave 1-2 word answers. I have no idea what he did during the flashback. Do you think he was talking to me? I emailed now to ask. I've never been told what I do, what I maybe say, or what I look like. Plus, since I don't know what happens during them either, I have no idea what he was doing. It's just strange to think about.
Towards the very end though. Basically when we were done talking about therapy things, and it turned back into what I was doing afterwards. How was school? How did my MRI go, etc. I felt more open than I ever have! I don't know why for sure. Maybe just because he stayed, I didn't scare him away, and he didn't treat me any different? I don't really know, but it was definitely a roller coaster of emotion today. Now I'm exhausted!
Well, it happened today. It's only the 5th appointment, but we have talked about my past and trauma. Mostly through email, because I'm having a hard time opening up, but we have talked about it there a bit too. He asked today if there was anything else about my past I thought he should know, or that I haven't told him and wanted to.
Well....bad question honestly. Of course there's things I haven't told him. There's things I haven't told anyone. Do I want to tell him? I don't even know. I told him there were things, but I didn't know for sure if I wanted to tell him. Then, "What sort of things..." This went on probably forever, with me feeling like I just needed to yell my secret out, but everything locking it in, so I let out small bits that meant basically nothing, with him asking for more. Eventually we got to the part where there was not much else to say except the 1 sentence of what happened. I was freaking out, eventually I said enough for him to understand. No one else would have, but due to our email conversations, he knew what I was saying.
That's all I remember. Then flashback and dissociation. Eventually I came out of it, and felt terrible. He talked me through it, saying I didn't need to feel bad about it. I was pretty shut down for awhile, so I mostly just listened and periodically gave 1-2 word answers. I have no idea what he did during the flashback. Do you think he was talking to me? I emailed now to ask. I've never been told what I do, what I maybe say, or what I look like. Plus, since I don't know what happens during them either, I have no idea what he was doing. It's just strange to think about.
Towards the very end though. Basically when we were done talking about therapy things, and it turned back into what I was doing afterwards. How was school? How did my MRI go, etc. I felt more open than I ever have! I don't know why for sure. Maybe just because he stayed, I didn't scare him away, and he didn't treat me any different? I don't really know, but it was definitely a roller coaster of emotion today. Now I'm exhausted!
