Gifts

[Viosinger]

I just had my birthday party. A few friends showed up, but I know one friend and my boyfriend spent quite a bit of cash on the evening, and insisted I not pay since it was my birthday. I know I just dropped a bunch/similar amount on my boyfriend's birthday last month, and have done similar for the friend. But when it's me... I feel terrible.

I know some of it probably comes from family history of gifts usually being a horrible experience. They either come with strings attached, are used for future guilt leverage, or I have to lie about loving things for years to avoid fights. With my mother's hoarding... It's a terrible sin to get rid of anything she's bought, so my siblings and I have all learned the art of breaking news to her that things got lost in a move, or that we simply can't find them.

Does any one else struggle with gifts? All I can think of today is repaying the favors from last night, while I know many may have just enjoyed it.

 

[onesie]

Yes. I too have issues with this. I now try to tell myself, I deserve it. It is others choices. They want to use it as a leverage, it is on them. You sound like a kind soul. You deserve their love. Enjoy it. Tell yourself that you matter. ;)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Good topic...I struggle with being given gifts. I freely give, and LOVE it when I see someone's smile when they like what I have gotten them. I think having expectations when I was young, and rarely receiving much, if anything. I feel I don't deserve gifts, but don't really have a reason.

I think you are NOT alone, and many of us struggle with positive things happening to us...we expect the worst most of the time!

 

[arfie]

Another yes here. Compliments, too. Mine is definitely connected to the sexual abuse. There was no such thing as "free" in my childhood. It all had a price tag that was never the declared price. I still struggle with it.

I am making progress, though. Been a while since I have actually voiced the reflex to talk somebody out of a kind act. My tool for progress is remembering how good it feels to give unconditional kindness to someone else. That is the gift I am giving when I accept unconditional kindness. It is a great feeling. Pay it forward.

 

[Spiderallis]

Happy birthday @Viosinger and thanks for bringing up a great topic. I struggled with gift-getting-guilt a lot over Christmas, 'santa' thought I was really really good and I didn't quite agree.

My tool for progress is remembering how good it feels to give unconditional kindness to someone else. That is the gift I am giving when I accept unconditional kindness. It is a great feeling. Pay it forward.

That's a great perspective! My mom kept saying "I want to get you this because I want you to have it" and that wasn't getting through my head. This is easier for me to understand- thank you @arfie

 

[Viosinger]

I agree as well.... @arfie, that's a great approach, and I will try to re-frame it that way, which seems to balance my feelings that I'm being selfish by accepting such things.

 

[Viosinger]

Happy birthday @Viosinger and thanks for bringing up a great topic. [/USER]

And thanks @Spiderallis!