I feel down.
I was tired today. I took a short walk on the deck attached to our building. I was listening to lazy slow jazz and zoning out. With my iPod, I wasn't wearing my hearing aids. Two dressed up women approached and started questioning me if I belonged in the building, if I lived there. I was zoned out, trying to understand, assuming they were new office staff. I answered questions without hesitation before I sort of woke up and said, why are you asking me these questions. They said something about strangers getting into the building. I started defending myself, I lived there four years, etc. They walk away smiling, oh okay.
Then I start to feel mad. Mad that I automatically revert back to feeling I must answer all questions, having to do what anyone asks me to, as having no rights. They didn't even work in the office it turns out. I don't know who they were.
I feel down that I am not aware sometimes, that I lived a life feeling I needed to justify myself for living, to explain myself.
I will try to be more aware. I felt my stomach tense when I was justifying my right to be there, but being tired, I ignored it. Plus without hearing aids, I try to get conversations over fast.
I live and (try to) learn. But decades of habit take time to change.
Ugh. Sorry for long one. Thanks for listening.