Punishment Of Self

[Justmehere]

Tomorrow is the anniversary if multiple traumas. (They just kept happening on the same date.) I ran into a massive trigger tonight. I had several flashbacks and fell apart into a massive panic attack and crying meltdown... in public.

I was treated badly before, during, and after by a creepy authority figure who trashed my boundaries.

I'm home, and all I keep thinking now is that I need to "punish" myself.

I texted my trauma therapist in the middle of the meltdown and then apologized and said nevermind - but she called anyhow. She said the punishment thinking was something my family entrained in me. She said I should thank myself for trying to keep me safe in my family by punishing me, but that I don't need to do that anymore.

I find this bewildering.

The drive to punish myself is strong. I don't think it through far enough to say what that punishment is - but it includes self injury, suicide, almost anything.

There is a feeling somewhere in me, that if I do this, I will be safe, I will be ok, they will stop hurting me, I won't have to feel this pain...

I feel like I have lost my mind. My therapist assures me I have not. She says it takes perfect sense to her in light of what I grew up with. I don't understand this. Right now, it takes all I have to resist.

Has anyone else felt like they need to punish themselves?

 

[desiderata310]

Yes. All the time. Often takes the same forms you mentioned.

Also pull away when I get in those places. Stop talking to people; when I DO ask for help from my therapist I immediately regret it and apologize as well. *sigh*

Sorry, @Justmehere. You don't deserve it. I hope you can keep that in mind and not punish yourself.

 

[Pencil]

Tomorrow is the anniversary if multiple traumas. (They just kept happening on the same date.

This is not the main point of your post, but the first thing that got my attention. Isn't it weird - mine is 6 October.

I relate to your post as a whole, but have nothing wise to say.

 

[Sally sue]

Oh boy! The punishment thing is very strong in me too! Even when I didn't do something that I can put my finger on, I feel I need to be punished :(. Weirdly, I think when I was a kid it was so much better once the punishment was done, BUT that doesn't mean I needed to be punished, I just wanted it to be over.

I'm still working on these things, my T has me working on a lot of compassion for myself. That's a tough one, but I keep practicing :).

Once when I was in a ptsd class, somebody said "how many times should someone be punished for something they did wrong?" OMGosh nobody needs to be punished over and over!

Breathe deep, trust your T choose to call which means she cares....even if it's hard to believe :).

Sally Sue

 

[billie]

It is rare for me to go a day without self harm or punishment.

 

[Pencil]

As a child I used to beat myself with my mother's slipper. :wtf::bag: As I got older self punishment took on more subtle and less ridiculous and embarrassing forms - but therefore also insidious. I wonder how many things that we do are forms of self punishment that we are not even aware of.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry you all struggle with this too. And it really helps to know I'm not the only one.

The pull to punish right now is really strong. I haven't given in, I also don't have many words to respond yet. Just really wanted to say thank you.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes, particularly if someone is upset around me but I don't know why, I blame myself and feel awful, even if it's not at all my fault. Also I get that if I can't handle what I'm experiencing at that moment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, I've felt the same. You may want to look into IFST (inter family systems therapy) because it will get at the root of your feelings behind self punishment. I don't think the self punishment is easy to fight, and if you don't know what's behind it, near impossible. I made a systems map of parts, which is similar to that which is done in standard DID treatment. My core feeling is "bad" as in "I am bad". Others have different core feelings as everyone's map is different.

 

[Sally sue]

Solara that's it! I can totally relate to the "I'm bad" thing!! What is DID treatment?

 

[Justmehere]

I think what my therapist is trying to do is something bordering on internal family system therapy with this. That would be interesting to map it out.

My therapist says, "if a real family was sitting before me, I would to let them talk to each other like you talk to yourself."

I think one strong belief I have is: it's my fault.

Today has been awful. So bad my therapist encouraged me to stay home and have a phone session bc she didn't want someone to trigger me further if I broke down crying on the train to her office or back home. So we are having a very rare phone session with her assuring me that I'm not doing anything wrong. Over and over. I wish I could believe her the first 20 times she reminds me of that. Or at all.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Sally sue
It's treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder. I think it's used as one of the first steps of integration, but I'm not exactly sure as I only know a little about DID treatment from what I overheard in the trauma hospital. It is similar to mapping in IFST (inter family systems therapy), but the concept of "parts" is completely different.