First Cbt Session Today . . .

[EvenStrongerNow]

I feel so out of sorts emotionally.

She asked me to give her a history of trauma even though I sent it to her in an email. I felt so triggered and started crying. I was a blubbering mess.

I also felt really triggered by even verbally discussing the symptoms of PTSD that I deal with. She asked me to come in again on Friday so she can assess further to give me a treatment plan.

I worked so hard for three years to get to this point so I can stop avoiding, process this and thrive. Ugh. I so want to crawl under the covers right now and stay there the rest of the day, but I gotta go to school in an hour. I'm going to push through. I've had enough of being gentle with myself until complete avoidance.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[TLight]

Personally, I didn't get any relief from talking about the trauma over and over. In fact, there's just too many.

Sometimes it is best to just learn coping strategies. Flooding when you first open up is ok and good, but I am personally of the opinion, at least for me, talking about it again and again wasn't the right avenue. Just made all my symptoms worse every time and didn't seem to help anything. Just made me hate going to therapy and hate my life that much more.
I'm not sure what the most effective treatment is. For me, it's being really kind to myself and avoiding my worst triggers and that's how I have to live my life.
It's different for different people.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@EvenStrongerNow You vent as much as you damn well want to. For my part I would have wanted to know why she was asking me all these pointed questions when she was aware of them from the email. For me a psych(otherapist - iatrist - owhatever) should not be asking me those q's but rather responding to any points in that email I had sent them.

My Therapist was extremely switched on and never, ever engaged in any form of dialogue, let alone questioning that may trigger me.

Apols if this sounds harsh but from what you write your (T) appears to be wanting to push you.

@EvenStrongerNow YOU are Stronger Now. You clearly are stronger as you were able to list these issues in that email you sent your (T).

Humongous :hug:s

Laurence (Laurie71)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@TLight Yes you are quite right.

My therapist asked me to write down what I was feeling andd wheneever I was triggerered. In the next session we did n ot discuss anything I had written and he took that list away. The third session we went through the list with him asking me points that he had clearrly thought about and formulated carefully constructed questions andd discussion points.

Me going over and over those points did not help me one little bit.

Laurie

 

[Tigger123]

I can totally empathise having felt the same way about my first CBT session - I felt like a completely emotional jelly-like mess when I wanted to feel strong and positive about getting some help - here's the thing - that emotional release, the tears and blubbering - were an important first step in the process - I found that the crying and releasing of that emotion when I had tried to hide for so long how bad it was.............well, I have now had over 24 sessions of CBT and there are still sessions where I spend a lot of it in tears - sending you a hug.....feel free to vent any time hun!

 

[mytai]

First of all, so proud of you for making it through the first session - no matter how it went. It's so very hard to face the things we want to avoid, and you are doing it! Many :hug:'s.

I know other's have said that it seems like your T is pushing you too much, but you did say it was your first CBT session and they are trying to develop a treatment plan. My take on your T asking you questions about things you already emailed to her is that she wants to have a better idea of your reactions and tolerance to certain things so that she can customize a treatment plan that will work best for you. She has no idea how, or what will cause you to react a certain way yet - so to me, this seems like she was trying to get a feel for you.

My T tries to be very aware and careful about things that might trigger me, sometimes it was by me telling her, and other times it was by her witnessing my reactions.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

My take on your T asking you questions about things you already emailed to her is that she wants to have a better idea of your reactions and tolerance to certain things so that she can customize a treatment plan that will work best for you.

My apologies, I had not looked on it with this view.

As @mytai rightly puts it above, our (T) needs to know where the boundaries are and how far they can push/guide us in therapy.

Laurie

 

[FindingMyself88]

((hugs))
Congrats to you on making it through like mytai said! The first session seems to always be the hardest when approaching anything about our PTSD. I too just had a first session last week with a trauma therapist. For me, I don't tend to cry easily, but it built up in my chest (anxiety). I understand needing to press on, but after class PLEASE do something nice for yourself. Whether its taking a walk in the park (my favorite), getting some food you like, or watching a favorite show, etc. You CAN do this, you have come along way.

Best wishes and I hope the next few sessions get easier. From everything I know of CBT, once you get past the initial sessions, its more about addressing your current issues, moods, and thoughts. :hug:

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks everyone. She did mention she implements exposure so I knew that ahead of time. I guess I thought emailing my issues would be enough. She was trying to figure out how PTSD affects me I think but she asked me to come again Friday.

I'm just going to trust she knows what's she is doing. I am not coming to CBT to revisit my childhood so I hope she doesn't think that's what our sessions will be about. She did ask about developmental trauma.

Why did she ask about that?

 

[TLight]

Remember, you are in charge of what you want to talk about.

She is still assessing you, so wants to know how young you were when the abuse started. Mine started at 3 with immense exposure to violence throughout. But since it was so young, it comes with a bunch of other issues, such as attachment disorder, DID, etc. It sounds like she just wants to know exactly what she's dealing with so she can know what areas to address, but you are ultimately in charge.
For instance, if I went back now, I'd want to focus on my inability to attach to people. I'm like a distant watcher and can't really open to anyone or let them in. I don't even know if I'd know how to be that intimate.......it's like it just doesn't exist for me. I'd want to know if that could somehow change.
Plus learning how to self soothe would be on my list.

Think about how you want your life to change and what you think you need to work on. That'll make you feel way more safe I'd think.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry this first session was so rough!

I am not coming to CBT to revisit my childhood so I hope she doesn't think that's what our sessions will be about. She did ask about developmental trauma.

Why did she ask about that?

I've done "trauma focused CBT" program in group and individual therapy. I'm not sure if it is like what you are doing, but it did involve lots of various CBT techniques about how I'm doing in the present moment, but they did still wanted a picture of the past. The work done on the present moment was never fully divorced from the past, but they also don't focus on it like other therapies do. They focused on core beliefs and how they interfere with life now. Some CBT therapists believe that most core beliefs that we believe as adults are formed in childhood, so that could be why she is asking.

Here's an example: I believe I am worthless. The therapist wanted to know where that belief came from? My father is abusive, he said I'm worthless, I believe I am worthless now. Then the therapist suggested, so how about I stop agreeing with my abuser and work on installing a positive affirmation that I have value.

We did exposure work too. It's tough, but it paid off for me. It brings up a lot, so she could be asking so she is aware of the kinds of stuff that could be brought up by doing exposure work. For example, I had a fear (not anymore) of windowless rooms. So the therapist needed to know in a basic sense what happened in windowless rooms. Then when we worked on exposure to windowless rooms, he had an idea of what I was fearing, what kinds of flashbacks could happen, and how to break down the fear into small chunks so I could do the exposure therapy effectively.

Just some thoughts about why she could be asking...

That had to be so hard when she asked about everything you emailed... way to hang in through it!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks so much. Those explanations make sense.

I have a fear with doctors/people. It's five fold.

1. During medical trauma, doctors made findings that scared the crap out of me.
2. During medical trauma, psychopath ex was trying to hustle my doctors (it's written in my medical records) to get pain medication from them.
3. Psychopath ex terrorized me, he hustled my friends and got money from them (behind my back), etc.
4. There were times during trauma that people actually thought I was just like him and told me so (guilty by association)
5. Psychopath ex did a smear campaign when I left him.

So now, I am terrified of doctors, other people, and even myself sometimes. I am so afraid of not being believed and so afraid that other people will think that I am just like him. It's terrible.

I think I'm going to email this to my T. You see, I know why I think as I do (well, most of the time, I can figure out where something is coming from), meaning I know where stuff comes from and how it affects me. I'm in CBT to learn how to change that thinking--to have someone assist me with it so I won't be doing it alone.

Yesterday, in the midst of feeling triggered, I do remember her saying "I just want you to feel safe." That did help me. That word really helps me when that's happening. After she said that, I felt present again and found the courage to continue.