How Do I Handle This?

[FindingMyself88]

Ok, so I have this friend who we were roommates this past summer for 3-4 months. We didn't know each other before that. She is friendly, but sometimes I think she thinks we are closer than we are. She is always trying to get me to open up to her and she is always coming to me for advice. She does have some social issues and anxiety. She did finally pry it out of me that I have PTSD. Well today she texts me and says that her psychologist says she has PTSD from being picked on as a kid which caused her to be shy… is this even a possible cause for ptsd? I asked her if there was any traumatic event, she said no but she guessed that being picked on was traumatic.

I didn't really know what to say to her besides I'm sorry. She then goes into "well it can't compare to your situations, blah blah blah (mind you she doesn't know half of my situation)." Even before this, it was mentally exhausting for me to try helping her because she is ALWAYS texting me. I'm just afraid that now that she thinks we have ptsd in common, she is going to be texting me even more..

any advice?? Am I being a horrible friend for feeling like this???

 

[Reds]

You are not being a horrible friend. I would just ignore the texts.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I suppose it's possible that in being bullied, she was threatened and intimidated to the point of fearing for her own life as a child. When we are children, we do not have the ability to process such things as an adult would.

I have learned that sometimes in life, people come into our life for nothing more than a mentor/mentee type of relationship. Perhaps she looks up to/admires you?

 

[bitterfight_]

As someone who has PTSD from being bullied as a teen, yes. It is most definitely a cause. Although a few people would say that mine was from the physical assaults and almost downright "torture" I've experienced from them, my PTSD is caused by being bullied. I don't know the specifics of her situation, but if she is saying her psychologist said this, then yes it is true. As for her texts, I would sit down and talk to her about how you would like to keep the advice and stuff at a minimum, as it might trigger you. I would also try to distance yourself a bit, if it's this exhausting for you. As the first person said, I would not answer text messages as much. I have a friend similar to this always looking for advice, and I have distanced myself from her because sometimes it is too exhausting. Take care of yourself first - always.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Depending on the severity of the issue and her ability to process the events, it could cause PTSD. My concern however is that she didn't go to her psychologist for this issue until she found out about yours from the sound of it. Be careful, be mindful of what you share and I think in this case as the friendship does not sound healthy, some boundaries are definitely in order. Some people thrive on the sympathy of others in order to feel good about themselves, as a sufferer it might be in your best interest to minimize your exposure to people of this nature.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think you are horrible at all! It makes sense. Texting can get out of hand for a lot of people these days... sometimes people just text and text...

I have a friend who used to text me a lot - she has PTSD too. I eventually had the courage to tell her that her telling me about her particular PTSD symptoms and asking me for advice was stirring up my won PTSD symptoms and preventing me from being the kind of friend I wanted to be with her. I told her what I was comfortable with, and that I was doing this because I needed it for me and my own healing. It was pretty hard to tell her, but we have a MUCH better friendship now.

It's ok to say no to her reaching to you for advice and support, and may even really help her by saying no to her. She might be more likely to turn to her psychologist for more help and to build a bigger support network for herself which will help her in her own healing over the long haul.

If you don't have the courage to do that, a some phones and a few apps allow you to block texts from one phone number where the blocked texts go into a special file that lets you check and read them when you are ready. Even if you don't tell her, which would be best, at least it would reduce the number of times you get alerted to her texts and might help her realize you can't be there for her 24-7.

 

[bitterfight_]

some phones and a few apps allow you to block texts from one phone number

I'll add to that - iPhones allow you to go into the contact and block their number, so if you need to do that, there's one option (if you have an iPhone)

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks everyone. From everything she has told me, it wasn't severe, just average for school teasing. The only symptom she has is she thinks about it a lot. She is also not shy, like she says she is. Her anxiety is related to something totally different. Its not really my business if she does or doesn't, but when she starts trying to compare it to mine, that makes me feel like I have to comfort her and say stuff like everyone is different, etc.

I have a problem with boundaries, I normally try to ignore her until I'm having an okay day (which is definitely not today). She just floored me with the text she sent about it. She always wants to know how I'm doing and acts like she is trying to be a friend. I never say much because I just don't trust the friendship. Not that I think she would do anything bad, but she just seems unstable. And it always turns into she really needs to talk about herself..

 

[Nebulustrix]

It sounds to me like she is seeking and fighting to maintain connections with people because those connections giver her a sense of stability. I am guessing that she does indeed have something wrong mentally that causes her to excessively reach out and cling to the people around her. There are many possibilities, some of which could be potentially dangerous if you do not maintain solid boundaries.

I suggest discussing with her your need to maintain an "acquaintance" relationship with your roommate so that you are able to maintain your personal space, and then draft up a kind of roommate agreement with her. We had to have a contract when I had roommates in college, where we wrote down from the start what our expectations were for homework-time, lights-out, having friends/guests over, etc. Breaking the agreement was permitted only after discussing it with your roommate.

If nothing else, having something like that in writing will establish boundaries in writing that you can refer too when something causes you discomfort - drawing a line from the start that you might just need to remind her of now and then instead of having to establish boundaries over and over again every step of the way. She may still push for excessive contact and/or form an unhealthy attachment, but having those boundaries will help keep your relationship with her healthy, at least on your end, and keep anything from getting too out of hand.

 

[bitterfight_]

@FindingMyself88 - Everyone is definitely different, although we don't know the specifics of her anxiety and her issues, she might have this. In contrast to that though, she doesn't have any of the knowledge or right to try to compare her trauma to yours, and you aren't obligated to respond by comforting her or saying everyone is different. Like one of the previous people said, she needs to learn to create her own coping mechanisms - using you as a toolbox or kit for everytime she feels bad is going to really hold her back from healing (whether that be from trauma or not). I have problems with boundaries as well, if that makes you feel any better. It sounds like she looks up to you, and admires you. If you are getting a gut feeling about her intentions to talk to you, it could be right. I have a friend similar to this - she will try to entice a conversation out of me, so that she can talk about herself and how poorly she is. Again, it's hard to see if they're really experiencing severe mental health problems or not, but we can't assume that they aren't, even if it seems that way. For example, my friend never seemed anxious or nervous until I was diagnosed with PTSD, and then she started saying she was nervous and whatnot. After I started taking meds for it, she got angry when me and a friend talked about how we're on the same meds, and she got frustrated because she "is never included". Then, she started taking the same pills, told me about them, and then the other night she told me she thinks she has PTSD too. It definitely appears ironic to me too, but I look at it this way, she's never going to be happy, even if she thinks she has this diagnosis. These type of people crave an affection that's hard to give, and can be harmful in terms of our own recovery progress. I guess my message is that you're not obligated to answer all the time, or to give advice, or to help her out - you are not her therapist, and I think she needs to learn that.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Nebulustrix I think you hit it on the head about how she is seeking to remain connected. She tries to hard. We are not roommates anymore as she moved back home and I moved in with my parents.

@bitterfight_ ugh boundaries are so hard lol. especially when people put on the front of trying to be nice, or maybe even they mean well. She kept texting me just trying to get me to talk and I just quit answering. It's funny you say I am not her therapist, because she will come to me a lot and tell me exactly what her therapist said and its like she wants me to confirm it. I'm sorry about your friend. I know this may sound judgmental of me, but when people do things like trying to copycat you, especially with ptsd, it makes me incredibly angry and feels really invalidating. I didn't ask to have PTSD, I would give anything not to have it. I don't like being on a cocktail of medications to keep me from completely just loosing it. I don't like not being able to go places because of fear and panic. My other roommate before her did this as well and it just makes me so mad!

 

[bitterfight_]

@FindingMyself88 gosh, tell me about it. I've been having boundary issues since my trauma happened, which was 7 years ago. I still have issues finding a therapist I like, and one that doesn't cross boundaries. It seems to be it is either one or the other for me. I'm glad you gave up answering - I think it would be a good idea to sit down and have a chat with her about how this is becoming draining on you. Like I said, you are not her therapist, and it's draining for her to come to you looking for validation on what her therapist has told her. If she doesn't trust her therapist's advice or information, she needs to find a new one and stop looking to you for this information. It's alright, I can't judge my friend because she has been through a lot, and she may have PTSD, but the thing that angered me about the situation was that she was irritated that she "wasn't included" because she wasn't on antidepressants and whatnot. Now she is. It just, it makes me laugh (not really, more of a scoff) because it's like "if you want my meds and my issues, I'd be glad for you to take them off my hands", you know? It's definitely really invalidating. I'm not on a cocktail of meds for mine, but my antidepressant alone is doing nothing for me, which is why I'm on my way to seeing a psychiatrist soon. I can understand why it makes you mad - it's invalidating! I don't know why so many people want to have these issues, and to have these meds, because it's not "quirky", nor "cute". I could rant on about this for days haha.