Confusion With Therapist

[Jane.l]

I think he should have made the effort to reply to your concerns.

From your posts you seem to feel very judged by him which means something has gone wrong.

 

[Hashi]

he didn't reply to my e-mail. He usually doesn't.

I have to agree with @joeylittle. You asked in your first post:

what the heck is a therapy relationship anyway?

I have to say - not this. IMO this is a messed up relationship and he is at fault. He's the therapist, he has the training and the supervision (or should have).

If I understand correctly, you only have the possibility of another six weeks or so of seeing him anyway - is that correct? So why put so much into trying to work it out with him?

 

[Tswevnz]

If you can't feel safe and have 100% trust whilst working towards recovery - then you need to make some healthy changes.

The fixation of this relationship instead of focusing of what YOU NEED TO GET BETTER - is a clear sign to let this go.

 

[Chosen]

no, I have ~2 years until I graduate.

You've all given me a lot to think about, and I'll see how Thursday's session goes & if it doesn't go well, then I'll see about doing something else. I do have a consult on Friday with a T two-ish hours away who is trained in EMDR who I'm considering seeing.

I'm not going to give up without trying to work it out. I talked it over with a friend today (she's got her master's in counseling, though not mental health, but still more experience than I've got!), and she helped me figure out that the key issues are that I don't feel he trusts or respects me...so how can I trust him in turn?

 

[Chosen]

joeylittle, this man is like a father figure to me. There's no romantic things going on at all. That's just ewwwwwww. Just wanted to make sure you knew that.

 

[Hashi]

Sorry, I seem to have done my sums wrong. However, still a bit confused. Looking back, you said:

Regardless, in May 2015, we'll have to end anyway when I graduate.

Then you have just said:

New no, I have ~2 years until I graduate

So now I'm muddled.

But anyway, I still think the most relevant point is:

The fixation of this relationship instead of focusing of what YOU NEED TO GET BETTER - is a clear sign to let this go.

Working on a therapy relationship can be helpful. Working predominently and repeatedly on the therapy relationship is a BIG RED FLAG.

I'm talking as someone who has just had to tell my therapist of almost two years - who I loved and who helped me a great deal - that it's become so much about the therapy relationship, and the therapist's own issues, that I'm not going to see her again. I have nothing else in place. But I have to recongise that this isn't right.

Please think beyond what this therapist has been to you in the past. The thing that's important is what's happening now and what you need going forward. If things are endlessly centring on the therapy relationship and the therapist's issues - maybe it's time to release them to find their path, as much as it is time to release you to follow yours.

 

[joeylittle]

I hear you - and I am sorry for using the word dating. Truly. I think that you need to do what feels right to you - I would just ask you to be careful of your own feelings first, before care-taking the relationship with your therapist.

If you don't feel he trusts or respects you, either he will be the right therapist for you to work out those transference issues with (whoever he represents to you) or ou really should get another doctor.

It raises a really interesting question to me - the trust thing. I would never see a physician I didn't trust, in terms of training and ethics. And while it took me a bit to get comfortable with my T, enough to talk to him - I've always trusted his ability, ethics, and insight. Whether or not I trust him personally isnt the issue, because we don't have a personal relationship. I am a patient.

But I do know lots of folks think in terms of personal trust when it comes to therapy...I will be thinking of you Thursday and hoping you have an outcome you are content with.

 

[Chosen]

Sorry for the confusion of when I'm graduating. I was supposed to graduate next year in May 2015, but my uni just added a new major and being the nerd I am, I just have to take it. ;) This way I'll also be able to take 2 years of Chinese instead of one.

And as far as trust...like...I trust that he will keep my information secure, and I can trust him with all the data...it's the emotions of anger, fear, and sadness I don't trust him with. Mostly because when I have been vulnerable with him in the past, he's never been consistent in how he reacts. Sometimes he fully supports me and is totally there to help, but then at other times, he acts angry and disappointed that I'm reaching out for help. So when I do feel in need, I never know what his response will be, so I'm afraid to reach out, but I usually end up trying anyway, and sometimes I feel like I just get punched instead. So, that's where I lack trust with him. I've felt he's judged my assessment of my needs as faulty and incorrect rather than trusting that I know when I need to reach out or not. It's another huge issue with him, which makes me quite sad.

I have noticed, though, another pattern here. When we have really good sessions, where I am vulnerable and he doesn't lash out at me, and we get a lot of work done...the next couple of sessions are usually terrible, and what's going on now is happening after two really good sessions, so I think that could be contributing to it. Regardless, though, I recognize that there are issues in my life that I want and need to discuss with him, but because of this issue with him, there won't be time. And since this is university counseling, I only get 12-ish sessions a year, so there's no time to be wasting on stuff between him and me when I've got this crazy chaotic life of mine going on. I do think Thursday's session will be very enlightening.

Thanks for your support! I'll let you know what happens.

 

[Chosen]

Well, I think it went pretty well today. I made huge leaps in being assertive and telling him of the changes I'd like to see in the sessions and talking of my growth and everything. So, I think things are better, and we're on track to decrease to once a month sessions until I graduate. I definitely need time to process what happened today, and we'll see how that goes. But I'm more hopeful and happy about it than I was before!