Sufferer Reality Check

[MD and VA]

I am brand new to this forum; I found it while looking online to find resources for my husband who told me last weekend "I didn't rape you" in response to my telling him that my rape more than likely affects our sex life. He does not understand that my having been raped affects me, and so, if affects us. When he said this to me, it was if he had said "That's not my problem."

I am looking for a reality check, in terms of what I can expect, or what I should expect from my husband in terms of support and understanding. He has responded to my not being as sexually adventurous or creative as he is, over the past 15 years, by just pulling away from me and withholding sex. So, no sex is better than "boring" sex with me. Wow. Clearly I have trust issues and safety issues when it comes to sex, and I'm not as adventurous as he is, perhaps, but enjoy sex very much. I just need to feel safe and comfortable.

I certainly need intimacy and am very confused.

Are there any resources I can share with him to help him understand the trauma of being raped? I never have spoken with a therapist about it but am seeing now that it has affected me and how I function in an intimate relationship.

 

[Jane.l]

Hi - if you are noticing how it effects you it might be a good time to think about therapy. Also a therapist maybe be able to help you work through it as a couple and explain to your husband the after effects of trauma .

 

[Springer80]

So what your saying is that he holds you to ransom for a basic human need..affection, on the basis that it wasnt him that raped you.

That is one major turn around to try and achieve. Ive gotta say Im not very impressed by it and if it was me on the receiving end, Id feel crushed.

 

[Changing4Best]

Men react differently to things we say than if they said these things to us. They are not emotional like we are, nor do they even understand emotions. For instance, a woman crying makes them very uncomfortable and they don't know how to handle this or deal with it. Nor is fear an emotion they can deal with, they claim not to feel it, so they say, so we have to take that at face value. Men can only think of one thing at a time; they are not multi-taskers.

Do you have a best friend or woman who you are close enough to, to talk about this with? And of course a therapist would also be of great help. If you do talk to a girlfriend, don't harp on all your troubles to her or dump too many of them on her at once. Also, be willing to listen to her troubles as well.

 

[digger]

Men react differently to things we say than if they said these things to us. They are not emotional like we are, nor do they even understand emotions. For instance, a woman crying makes them very uncomfortable and they don't know how to handle this or deal with it. Nor is fear an emotion they can deal with, they claim not to feel it, so they say, so we have to take that at face value. Men can only think of one thing at a time; they are not multi-taskers.

Wow! Not massively generalising there!? As the mother of a son I'm kind of sad to read that people expect this of men.

@MD and VA can I ask if the rape happened before you were married, or while you were married? Have you ever had any couples counselling? When you say you haven't spoken to a therapist about it, do you mean the rape, or your husband's attitude?

 

[Caterpillar]

I'm very sorry your husband reacted in such a hurtful and insensitive way. I personally find it pretty unforgivable and upsetting, but I'll try to take the charitable view and assume that the harshness of his response was because he finds what happened to you deeply painful to think about and is taking these feelings out on you as anger and denial. I thought about linking you to some literature I have for supporters of rape victims, but the truth is I think your husband's reaction is above and beyond what's going to be helped by a few websites and brochures. I agree with Jane that he needs to be involved in therapy with you so that a professional can talk to him about this and set him straight in a constructive way. He may also need some individual therapy to help him work through his own issues surrounding what happened to you.

 

[MD and VA]

Wow! Not massively generalising there!? As the mother of a son I'm kind of sad to read that people expect this of men.

@MD and VA can I ask if the rape happened before you were married, or while you were married? Have you ever had any couples counselling? When you say you haven't spoken to a therapist about it, do you mean the rape, or your husband's attitude?

It happened years before we even met. We have been through couples counseling in the course of our marriage but never have addressed this -- it has all been about poor communication between us and not being able to be emotionally supportive of each other. He lives his life very independently of me and our two sons and does not spend a lot of time with us at all --

 

[MD and VA]

So what your saying is that he holds you to ransom for a basic human need..affection, on the basis that it wasnt him that raped you.

That is one major turn around to try and achieve. Ive gotta say Im not very impressed by it and if it was me on the receiving end, Id feel crushed.

I am crushed. But it's also so confusing if you can imagine, the person I'm married to, acting so indifferent to me.

 

[digger]

It happened years before we even met. We have been through couples counseling in the course of our marriage but never have addressed this -- it has all been about poor communication between us and not being able to be emotionally supportive of each other.

Would he consider going to couples counselling again to address this now do you think? Are you currently in therapy for yourself at all?

 

[Springer80]

My ex-fiance once said to me 'I dont want to be your carer,'..I didnt need a carer, Id got myself so far and managed my life ok considering but I did need him to care. I dont think you can make someone give a damn.

 

[MD and VA]

Would he consider going to couples counselling again to address this now do you think? Are you currently in therapy for yourself at all?

I'm not currently in therapy for myself. I think he would consider going to couples therapy again to address this, but, honestly, I'm kind of tapped out. It was very hard for us to find a couples therapist in the past, and I'm so emotionally spent at this point, I'm not sure I have the energy to find someone. In therapy he paints me as demanding and rigid -- he wants complete freedom from any kind of predictable family activities, so in comparison with complete freedom, wanting him home for dinner, even on the weekends, would seem rigid.

 

[MD and VA]

My ex-fiance once said to me 'I dont want to be your carer,'..I didnt need a carer, Id got myself so far and managed my life ok considering but I did need him to care. I dont think you can make someone give a damn.

I wouldn't think I'd have to make my husband give a damn. I hear what you are saying.