Sufferer Reality Check

[intothelight]

Hi MD and VA,

my husband who told me last weekend "I didn't rape you" in response to my telling him that my rape more than likely affects our sex life. He does not understand that my having been raped affects me, and so, if affects us. When he said this to me, it was if he had said "That's not my problem."

A statement like this can be perceived many ways, including the way that you perceived it. He may be expressing his own difficulty in having to deal with the effects of an act he didn't commit. He may also be making a point that he wasn't the one that hurt you and may be confused why you can't see that. That is why it is so important to get clarification as what he meant by the statement. With that said, of course it is much easier said than done and that is where counseling is really beneficial as it can help people improve their communication.

His pulling away may in fact be a lack of caring, or it can also be a defensive mechanism as he may feel he makes things worse, or is hurt and trying to distance himself from the hurt. Again, there are so many ways to interpret behavior and without effective communication nothing is ever really addressed or resolved.

For your own peace of mind, do not assume the worst. Posting wedding pictures may not have been just to put up a front, it could also have also been a statement that he does value his marriage, but may be at a loss to know how to make things better.

Debbie

 

[MD and VA]

A statement like this can be perceived many ways, including the way that you perceived it. He may be expressing his own difficulty in having to deal with the effects of an act he didn't commit. He may also be making a point that he wasn't the one that hurt you and may be confused why you can't see that. That is why it is so important to get clarification as what he meant by the statement. With that said, of course it is much easier said than done and that is where counseling is really beneficial as it can help people improve their communication.

Thank you for your comment. This was the first time, ever, in our marriage that this has come up as a barrier or reason for why he does not want to be intimate with me. After our son was born, 3 years into our marriage, he completely pulled away from me. He has never cited a reason until now. He can be a depressed person, and is generally not positive or happy and does not assume responsibility to run the house or raise the children -- it has worn on me over the years. We have gone to therapy together, he has gone alone. We've never been able to improve our communication. When I try to discuss something or share something or ask him something -- anything -- he often either walks away, or simply does not answer/respond. With the rape comment, he seems to be just putting up a huge wall between us. I made the statement to explain my point of view, not to accuse him of hurting me. However, he does hurt me by withholding affection. Presumably, he's also hurting himself, since he's not getting any affection either.

 

[MD and VA]

I agree with what others have said about him finding it painful to think about you being raped, especially as he can't do anything about it (or the perpetrator) now. While I would be gutted if someone said that to me, I can also hear frustration in it, too, as in, "don't take what someone else did to you out on me," which denotes misguided caring and anger that someone else robbed him of something.

The odd thing is that he has know about this part of my past but acted the other night as if he had never heard of it before. "I knew something had happened to you but I didn't know you had been raped." But, he did know, we did talk about it. We even specifically discussed that it would be inappropriate to share this information with our sons. So, I haven't been taking anything out on him, I didn't accuse him of anything; he's been withholding sex from me b/c I'm not willing to do what he wants to do -- it's not as if there is a specific act or anything, it's a vague complaint on his part that I'm not "willing to try new things." And because of this, he avoids coming to bed with me until midnight or 1am every night, and rolls right over to go to sleep. It was my asking him why, why does he avoid me and not want to have sex, to which he replied, "because you are not willing to try new things" to which I replied "can't you see that my being raped has an affect on me" -- and then he said, "well, I didn't rape you". I certainly knew that he has different preferences than me, but he had never articulated that this is the reason why he withholds sex. It seems crazy to me. And cruel, really.

(Of course, he wasn't the one that had anything done to him here, but I'm guessing that he can't see past his own pain and confusion regarding what happened, so his actions are selfish instead of targeted where they should be... at caring for you and your needs.)

I wonder how much, if any, pain and confusion he is experiencing since he seemed to have forgotten about it altogether. And, even if he did forget out of some kind of suppression of pain, his response was not "I'm so sorry this happened to you" but "it wasn't me".

 

[MD and VA]

Thanks, Debbie,

Hi MD and VA,

His pulling away may in fact be a lack of caring, or it can also be a defensive mechanism as he may feel he makes things worse, or is hurt and trying to distance himself from the hurt.

I see what you are saying, but his pulling away, as he explains it, is in response to my not being adventurous. His pulling away hasn't been in response to my talking about being raped or discussing it's impact on us at all. This week was the first time I had ever made the connection. I think if he had been patient with me and slowed down a little bit and tempered his expectations for my "adventurousness", we could learn to find a place where we're both happy. Instead, he has pulled away physically and emotionally. Which leaves me very alone and very confused.

For your own peace of mind, do not assume the worst. Posting wedding pictures may not have been just to put up a front, it could also have also been a statement that he does value his marriage, but may be at a loss to know how to make things better.

I think it's possible he's at a loss to know how to make things better, and that posting wedding pictures was an attempt to somehow value our marriage. But he often seems more influence and interested in what his FB friends and high school classmates think. He turns to FB for most of his social life these days, posting constantly and constantly checking on others and reading about their lives. He was thrilled that the wedding picture post got over 200 likes, and posted a comment thanking the 200th "like". I actually posted a comment, too, but he didn't respond to my comment to the posting on FB. It makes me feel invisible.