Relationship The Perpetual Widow

[Nicolette]

I have been following a motivational woman who, through the loss of her husband, turned her life around through fitness and healthy living. She is still dealing with the grief and loss but it's slowly getting easier each year and she has now met a new partner whom she will soon marry.

What resonated with me as I struggle to find my way back into fitness, as it was a way I used to cope with my stress and, at times unfortunate situations, is that I am a perpetual widow. Fitness helps make me stronger physically and mentally and I need to get that back in order to 'save' myself from PTSD and to cope during the times when I become 'the widow'.

There are times when I lose my husband for a few days and those memories quickly fade and I soldier on. Then there are times when PTSD swallows him for weeks and recently, due to ongoing and various stressors, it's been months. He's never been as bad as in "ill" as when I first met him but as he became more managed what never was a big deal becomes a greater one today as the equilibrium of his 'normal' has shifted. I became accustomed to a 'better' him and not as prepared for the meltdowns as slowly I felt more assured and comfortable that he would be okay and PTSD would not have such a significance in our lives.

Today it clicked that for as long as I am married to someone with PTSD, there will be times when I will feel like a widow as the man I love and care for, despite his best efforts, will at times fall to the clutches of PTSD and all the evils the illness entails taking him out of my life and leaving me alone. Knowing this and accepting it, while being inspired by someone else, will help me find an acceptance with this. Now not only do I need to 'look after myself' but I can see how I can find a healthy way to manage and deal with the grief of the loss as the illness dictates. It won't make how I feel any better but I feel I will be able to better cope if feeling strong and healthy.

Now I have the motivation for walking out the door to exercise where I'd lost it for some years. I have to make myself strong physically and mentally for my life as a perpetual widow.

 

[arfie]

If it wasn't PTSD, it would be something else. Don't accuse me of knowledge, but I do believe periods of drifting away are a natural part of long-term relationships. We all need time to work on ourselves.

Congratulations on your physical improvement program. Wishing you lots of success.

 

[Nicolette]

drifting away are a natural part of long-term relationships.

Drifting away and being at the clutches of PTSD where you don't even 'exist' in their world due to isolation and overload for long periods of time to me are not one in the same but thank you for your wishes. :)

 

[arfie]

Sorry @Nicolette. My bad.

 

[Nicolette]

There's nothing wrong or 'bad' with your opinion @arfie :)

 

[Seasounds]

I like, so much, your ability to put energy into your own activities, when the couple activities and interactions dwindle. What a great way to stay self-empowered, rather than trying to pull him out of a PTSD valley-which can't be done anyway, or waiting. I'll remember this!

How does this affect your relationship?

Perpetual widow

A drag, for sure, unless one does something strengthening, like you are doing. Also, perpetuity-of this kind, could lead to marital unrest, or marital breakthroughs, depending on what you and your mate want, and feel committed to work towards.

Having PTSD, I see his side. And having been the more active mate, in my previous relationship, I relate to your frustrations.(My mate's shutting down was so frustrating-this is why I like your exercise outlet.)

Any room for relational problem solving/discussions, at any time?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Now not only do I need to 'look after myself' but I can see how I can find a healthy way to manage and deal with the grief of the loss as the illness dictates. It won't make how I feel any better but I feel I will be able to better cope if feeling strong and healthy.

I love this.

In most "normal" relationships partners can lean on each other equally and lighten both the loads. Some times we as supporters have to double our load, even triple if you count the PTSD load that your sufferer carries around on top of their own. Being stronger and healthier, both mentally and physically, seems like it would be a great help.

 

[Nicolette]

Any room for relational problem solving/discussions, at any time?

I'm not sure.... he's pretty convinced he's healed as much as he can. I just have to hope that life's curve balls aren't too long or deep as it's sustained periods which do the damage.

rather than trying to pull him out of a PTSD valley-which can't be done anyway, or waiting.

The relationship is fine but once in that valley and if circumstances are such that life is pushing that way we both get hurt.......I can only change me and hope he follows as when he exercised more he was mentally stronger in dealing with life's adversities (in my opinion). I've tried pulling him out, that doesn't work, I have let myself be pulled into that vortex and that makes for a bad mix so time to try something new. I will re-iterate that without out of the ordinary circumstances life is good; but once down it's hard to get up when you keep getting knocked and life isn't always fair - hence the analogy that I am a perpetual widow as life will not always be 'easy'.

 

[Seasounds]

Compassionate realism, conscientious self-growth, and sustained withness.

When I've the 'closed down' mate, I've been so unhappy and so felt helpness to change PTSD's course. Not pressuring me, was the best support. I think that you having your own rhythm is spectacular-you are out of the spiraling downward, PTSD vortex.

I am hopeful that your choice will decrease the time your mate spends in the dark. (To find connection, he needs to come out.)