Relationship Ptsd, Love Avoidant

[Shadowofdoubt]

My story is a bit strange. I met a guy through gaming about 6 months back. In the beginning he shared some of his history with me when he was drinking, about having PTSD and trying to get disability. He also is a recovering alcoholic that had fallen off the wagon. After he sobered up we continued with a gaming relationship (actually had a marriage in minecraft, lol). I told him I had feelings for him, he said he had feelings for me too but because of his issues it could never progress to more than just a gaming relationship. I didn't fully understand why so I sent e-mails and joked and continued to try to flirt. He ended up one day just shutting me out, divorced me and ignored me in game. I was shocked and heartbroken. About 3 weeks went by, I had sent a couple emails, he responded back and we resumed a gaming relationship. Never talked much about what happened, he just said if he hadn't of been drinking he never would of shared anything with me about his RL.

Well, after about 2 and a half months he has done it again, because of a couple emails I sent trying to be friendly. It is very painful and with his shut out it is impossible for me to communicate with him. He accuses me of meddling and trying to force his real life into his escape, and also feels I'm telling other gamer friends about his "stuff"... Which I am not. I feel bad for him and want to be a support if able, but seem to keep setting off triggers. I have looked up lots of info on PTSD, and I've also looked into love addicts and love avoidants. I know I have a tendency to be a little needy, which isn't helpful in this case. It's just a tough position to be in. We share a group of gaming friends and I still want to play but his shut out is making it difficult so I've backed away. I just don't know if I should even try anymore to be a gaming buddy. Any advice/opinions? I am 45, he is late 30s.

 

[Never Give Up]

Very interesting. Does the sufferer know the difference between reality and fantasy. I love and play Minecraft also but if your affection and love is strictly based on gaming, are you wanting more in your relationship which would require human interaction. I love to escape at times for hours....but the real life is where the PTSD is real.

 

[digger]

Honest advice/opinion - he's seems to have been pretty clear with you on what his boundaries are and what he wants from the relationship. If you can't respect or accept that and want more then you need to back off and find it somewhere else I think.

 

[joeygn72]

I totally understand. His boundaries seem to fluctuate depending on his alcohol intake. I can see where you feel like he lets you in and pushes you away. Heres a question that pops into my head. How is this working for YOU? As a sufferer I know how difficult recovery can be both in terms of alcohol/drug abuse and PTSD/dissociative disorder. I can tell you it's often difficult for me to maintain my commitment to my fiancé. I think you will be at this tug of war for a long long time. How healthy is that for you?

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Honest advice/opinion - he's seems to have been pretty clear with you on what his boundaries are and what he wants from the relationship. If you can't respect or accept that and want more then you need to back off and find it somewhere else I think.

I do agree, also, it's just sometimes there are conflicting messages..we communicate through teamspeak and he's occasionally shared what's been going on Irl, and the gaming is daily, several hours. But thanks for the advice, I have wanted more and do need to look elsewhere concerning a fulfilling friendship :).

 

[Loner]

Theres nothing you can do. Let him go, and if he values your relationship, and is ready to have it in his life, he will remember you and remember that you meant something to him and realize he doesn't want to lose you.

If he doesn't reach out to you, then you either weren't that important to him, or he is just not ready to be involved in this situation/relationship. Either way I don't think there is anything you can do to make up his mind in any way.

Sorry, that is not what you want to hear I'm sure. I know that advice is not easy to come to terms with, its really easy to say that to someone else but when you have feelings for someone it is very hard to let them go without any idea if they will come back or not, trust me, I know, I'm kind of in a similar situation right now myself, with having to let someone go and being unsure if they will ever reach out to me again. Its not easy, but holding on to something who's time has come and gone is not healthy either.

 

[Bim]

Nera, I've been in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer for almost 2 months now. And I can already see that this going to be a bumpy road - that's why I'm here. Maybe he is not ready to handle another person in his life just yet. It's either he doesn't see your purpose of not only be a plain girlfriend but one who is willing to take the road with him, or he just doesn't want to be in any relationship now. Learning about PTSD and being in an actual situation with a sufferer is two completely different things. Follow your heart. It might be lower than where your head is but it will always lead you to happier places. :)

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Thanks everyone...I am doing no contact. It's hard telling if it's PTSD symptoms or him just being an A-hole. There are two other gaming friends that I wish I could still play with, but he kind of has the monopoly on the them. It sucks to be forced out of something that used to be an enjoyment. Dealing with the anger and the pain of rejection is tough, but I am glad I was able to vent some here.

 

[rondynash]

Any relationship would start with a stranger only..Meeting new people would be very interesting and it also helps in communicating with people well.I improves our confidence levels and helps a lot in allowing us to be more expressive.And we can develop a good friend circle..

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Hi all. I have been doing a lot of reading on this site and it has been extremely helpful, hearing from the sufferer's side gives me a lot of insight into my own situation and helps me understand why he acts as he does. Wish I came here sooner.