Living Life For Others

[Meadowsweet]

My therapist would point out that I give other peoples wants and needs more importance than I give to my own. It's something that I never really got anywhere with.

But the one thing in my life that I can genuinely say I've come good with, is bringing up my children. Also at work I enjoy to do things for people, I feel good when they ask me a favour and I'm able to get it done.

The rest of my life I'm pretty useless at. I would love for somebody to care about me, but I wouldn't know how to accept it. Interacting on an emotional level in friendships is something that I feel a failure at - I feel like I don't know how to do it, I don't know the rules.

I stopped therapy because my PTSD symptoms were much better and I didn't feel that I was moving any further forward. And I'm kind of feeling like I would be happier if I accept that my life isn't worth striving for, for me, and put my energy into being there for other people.

I don't want to be sub-subservient and I want to remain in a place where I have boundaries and know when to stop being there. But is that possible? Or am I being stupid even thinking like this?

It just seems like a positive reason for living, rather than looking at what I don't have socially/emotionally.

 

[Al_Lurker]

Being there for others is essential to some of us but we all need someone to be there for us at times too. Interacting with others and still being happy about who I am is the main goal of my life. I'm not a sufferer so I may see things differently but I don't think our basic needs are that different as humans, we seek them differently after we've been wounded but we still seek that connection to others and want to receive as well as give. I guess I'm trying to say that you should not just live for others you must be happy and care for yourself in order to make others happy and care for them. It is a symbiotic relationship.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I disagree that being there for others is essential - when people don't want to be there or feel that they are obliged or have to do it, then they are doing a chore, and very few people want to be the chore or burden of others. I think that's different than living life for others.

I've sacrificed a lot for my children, but my pleasure has come from seeing them strong in who they are, and becoming self-sufficient. Similarly, the people at work don't need me in their lives, if I leave they will manage just fine - but while I'm there, I enjoy doing the things that enable them to get on with what they need to do with less stress and more efficiently.

I'm happy to be there for others, but there is a part of me that would like someone to care about me. But I kind of feel that I can't live waiting for that to happen. So I feel like just putting that dream away, forgetting about it, because it hurts to wake up everyday and find that there is no one to think how I might be doing. That's a very negative response, it's a world saying inadvertantly that my life isn't worth anything.

Whereas, my children growing up and my work place running smoothly, is a positive response to me being alive. So to live for other people is just going with the positive responses to my life.

 

[arfie]

In my own case, those parenting successes offered my first comprehensible clues to how my personal needs and instincts functionally integrate with serving humanity. As a parent chasing after toddlers, I learned that rolling over and letting them call the shots is not good parenting on any level. Expecting them to read my mind and know without explanations is even worse. Running myself into the ground only leaves them without adequate supervision. Etc., etc.

Interactions with other adults does not have the development clarity of supervising toddlers, but the principle remains, whether I can put it into words or not.

I do not believe you are being stupid thinking like this, Meadowsweet. Life is forever in need of fine tuning. To quote Bob Dylan, "You are going to have to serve somebody."

 

[Al_Lurker]

I understand "no one to think how I might be doing". That is a weight that I too bear these days. I have not yet learned how to put that dream away though....

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Stop me if I'm WAY off here...

I think there are many different types of people, and there are many different ways that people find meaning in their own lives. I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to find meaning in being there for other people and helping other people. Perhaps a part of it would be reframing your thinking. Instead of saying "I live only for other people" you could say "I find meaning in my own life by giving to others" (or something along these lines). This way you can continue to give to others, but know that it isn't a doormat situation where you aren't taking care of your own needs, rather you maintain healthy boundaries with others, know your own limits, but can still give to others because you have a very giving personality. I honestly think that it is great that you are a giving person in a seemingly selfish world. I encourage you to continue to seek out friendships and even possible relationships so that you can work toward finding those who will care about you. I don't see it so much as looking at what you don't have as working toward what you want. Hmmm...I don't think I'm being clear here... I think that throwing yourself into providing only for others is an avoidance tactic and in the end it may just amplify your problem. For me, ignoring something or denying that it exists doesn't really help the issue, and I'm afraid that if you throw yourself into only providing for others, then you will just be ignoring the issue rather than working on it head on. And, I think human interaction, specifically wanting someone to care about us and love us, is a human need, not just a want, and as such, I don't think it is something that can be ignored.

I hope you work on finding meaningful connections with others that is more of a give and take relationship with mutual care/concern/love for one another. These relationships are not easy to find by any means of the imagination, but I think that the effort is well worth it. I'm struggling right now with relationships and I know how hard it can be. Its a far cry from the days on the playground when another kid would run up to you and say "wanna be my friend?"

 

[Changing4Best]

I said to someone recently that I want to be there for her in her time of stress and need. So far she has not done much at all to accept that. It hurts, but I am still willing to wait and see what develops. Patience is the key in these kinds of situations, I think. In caring for her, I automatically want her to care for and about me too. For me, that is a given. I honestly don't think that there can be such a thing as a one way relationship. Children will even give you love because they feel your love for them.

Another aspect of this is to think ahead. 20-25 years from now, your kids will be grown up and most likely living on their own. Give or take a few years, this is to be expected. They may have kids of their own and they may not. You will have to accept that you may or may not have grandkids to love on. If the later is true and your kids move far away, what will you do then? I know this is the proverbial "What if?" question and it may well never become your reality, but I want you to think of this possibility, so that you might have a bit more motivation to have some friends too. Maybe some other mothers you could find a commonality with? Ones who have kids your kids' ages?? It is just a thought. If you do this, you will find that they need you and your input too just as much as you'll need theirs. They will give you emotional support, just as you give it to them.

These are just my thoughts and opinions. I hope they are of some help to you, but if not, just disregard them.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you all for the responses. My thoughts: it is something positive to focus on the areas that there is a positive outcome from my life. But at the same time, I know it is a focus to avoid the deep hurt that I feel from knowing that my life is considered worthless to people who know my secrets (of abuse) or know I have PTSD. But if i look at that reality, it has the potential to convince me that I'd do other people a favour to be dead.

To not ask anything for myself and just focus on the things that people do want me around to do, helps me convince myself that I have a use.

 

[mamachick]

I hope that you reconsider giving up that dream of having others there for you. I know that you are very caring of others and sounds as though you get genuine pleasure and gratification from helping others and making their lives more pleasant. That is a wonderful quality.

I think the fact that you are saying that you feel like a failure at interacting on an emotional level in a relationship and dont know the rules speaks volumes. I think feeling that way explains clearly why you would want to just put that dream on a shelf and give up on it, but I do think this is something that can be learned for most of us. I have felt like you do at times, and when push comes to shove, I have sacrificed myself for the good of others, particularly my children, but it really did not turn out to be for their good.

As SheilaKathy said, kids grow up and there is the empty nest. Something can happen that can be life changing and cause us to not be able to give and do for others constantly to feel good about ourselves. Then we are left with the reality that we are not defined by what we do but who we are. It is harder to find that purpose when these things are lost, and can lead to not wanting to be in the world.

In my opinion, life is about relationships, and thats about all. Different kind of relationships, be we spend our entire life relating to people in one way or another. Some of us just have a hard time finding caring people who we can relate to on a truely emotional or intimate level, for many reasons, but one being that we can not trust another enough to become emotionally involved , that is putting ourselves in a vulnerable place. I have trouble asking others for help, and I have not chose the healthiest of people to be emotionally involved with as well, which has caused me to be burned to often in the past few years with ptsd. Some of mine is plain co dependency though, and probably not feeling worthy of expecting better for myself, so now I am having to relearn these skills and things that I once knew.

The empty nest, menopause, and a traumatic brain injury all come about the same time for me a few years ago. Then an assault and diagnosis of ptsd. I lost my purpose, and finding meaning and purpose in my life became a real depressant. Im by know means through this, but I know that I have to keep trying. As you, I did for others, but when things changed and I could not do as I had, I did not have a healthy support system in place, and felt very forgotten. I have never grieved for loosing the person that I was and am working through that now. If I fell down my steps or something, I dont know when anyone would find me. I have found it just easier to isolate and have learned to stay busy and occupy myself to the point that I like being alone a lot, but still have the need to socialize some, but just dont have really close relationships. Im going to keep that hope, and I hope that you do to. I think it is never too late.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Meadowsweet 'feeling' like others think we are worthless might be because 'we' think we are worthless and naturally expect they'd agree. I just read an article off the forum about searching for dignity and ptsd.

Hard to feel one has it because it relates to our (one's) sense-of-self. And also, ptsd says otherwise.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel good about helping others. I also love it when they give to me. After three years in isolation I was at the rock bottom and breaking point.

If it was not for this forum, I do not know what I would have done. This is a great thread, because healing and recovery do come eventually from all of our years of learning and growing. I have made my share of painful and costly learning experiences which left me shattered for years.

It is so hard to be able to move on with life and make it better. Both of my kids moved out within six months of each other. Then my husbands father died, his mom had dementia which they had kept a big secret from us, what a nightmare that was.

Finally my husband and I started to do fun things for ourselves and I treasure those memories.

Now almost a year after my husband died, I am finally becoming a new person and begin taking baby steps to move on with my life.

I am finding myself much better now that I am no longer in complete isolation anymore. It is still not where I want to be. I have more work to do.

But I do not think you are living for others. I think you are one of those wonderful people with the gift of helping others out.

One thing I am working on right now is learning how to reach out to others for support. I have never been good at that and the failing and weakness is mine. Now I am healthy and strong enough to do that and I have had some success.

You are not alone in how you feel. I am so glad you are here for you come up with some very interesting and thought provoking threads.

In this way, you really are breaking out of your isolation and reaching out. Good for you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Instead of saying "I live only for other people" you could say "I find meaning in my own life by giving to others"

Yes, I think that's a more positive way of putting it, and perhaps I'll get there. But at the moment I am experiencing suicidal ideation - that need to just take myself out of the world completely, so to live for somebody else has some significance just now.

I'm struggling right now with relationships and I know how hard it can be. Its a far cry from the days on the playground when another kid would run up to you and say "wanna be my friend?"

Yes, this is a hinderance. When I stopped therapy, I felt I was ready to go out into the world and get my life back. I joined an evening class, and I'm still going to that. I say hello, spend an hour with these people and say goodbye, but I wouldn't know how these things turn into friendship and the fears I have, are too intense for me to just give it a go and not worry if i get it a bit wrong.

@SheilaKathy , my children are already in their teens, so it is sooner, rather than later that they will very possibly move out and find their own place and make their own families. But I would still be there for them. It's not the return of their need, company or attention that I mean by living for someone - if they are over dependent on me then I haven't done my job well.

On the other hand, as @brat17 mentioned, if in some way I found that I was unable to be there or failing at what I wanted to do, I wouldn't have anything left. So i take the point that that's not a good position to put myself in.

@Junebug , I think in part, I am easily swayed to believe people when they say I'm worthless or treat others as less significant than themselves, and I will always put myself in that catagory. But a fact of life is that there are people who feel they are more deserving than others and that equates to them being more worthy of the life they want, than others.

So I am susceptible to it effecting me adversely, but it's not all in my imagination, or just being seen because I've been abused. It's something that exists and that I don't know how to deal with. Part of that is because I don't have much of a sense of self and Itake on too much of what people say.

I have never been good at that and the failing and weakness is mine. Now I am healthy and strong enough to do that and I have had some success.

It sounds like you're doing really well. It would be good if you could share how you have gone about reaching out for support?

I am reaching out here, to other sufferers and it does help. But when I read on the supporter forums, I see alot of victimhood in those who are putting themselves out to live with their partner with PTSD. For me to live as a burden like that, makes me feel more worthless than ever.

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