Hi, I'm new to this forum and have been reading threads for a few weeks now. I could use someone to listen and understand what I'm going through as well as advice of fellow PTSD sufferers. Thanks for bearing with the length of the post.
My Background
I was diagnosed with PTSD this January after I finally stopped denying my childhood abuse. I finally came to a point where the way I was thinking, all my self-loathing and my hyper-vigilance finally became to much to handle. In retrospect, I've had some of these symptoms throughout my life but they finally became impossible to repress and deal with. I now do individual talk therapy and group therapy once a week.
The Relationship
He is the first person I have ever loved romantically. I had only had one other brief relationship seven years prior. We fell in love quickly. After the third date, I felt that I could trust him and that I would be safe with him. He was patient and kind. He made me believe that I was not the angry individual I'd been for years. That I could be happy. We moved in together a year later. Eight months after that, he moved across the country and asked me to move with him. I wanted to so badly but it scared the shit out of me.
The Breakup
He was also the first person I ever told about my abuse. I didn't give him any specifics, just that I had been abused for eight years growing up. In the beginning, there were nights when I would cry hysterically or feel like my life wasn't worth living. He always stayed up with me and helped me calm down. Later on, this stopped and instead I would occasionally get irrationally angry at him for no reason or I'd push him away because I thought I didn't deserve him.
When he moved across the country, the stress was too much for me. Even while we were living together I would wake up on some days convinced he didn't love me. Now, with him not there, it became more frequent. In addition, I started feeling unsafe. I would sit in my car and cry because I was afraid. I didn't understand why. I'd lie in bed alone at night and be terrified. When this happened, I'd try to reach out to him but frequency of these terrors and the time difference made it difficult. I broke up with him four or five times over the next three and a half months.
At the final break up, he said that he couldn't stand seeing me like this. That while before it was difficult to see me in so much anguish, he'd believed that our relationship made me a better person. Now he thought it made me worse.
Now
We've talked frequently since the break up. He's made it clear that he wants to be here to support me but that he thinks I need to find support from others as well. Ultimately, he thinks that I need to learn to take responsibility for my own happiness. I agree with him.
I've worked really hard over the past three months to learn about PTSD, to learn to ground myself, to not blame myself and to take care of myself for the sake of myself. I know now that I've done the work to create a strong foundation. I don't think I'm done by any stretch of the imagination. I still occasionally get frightened although with far far far less frequency. When I try to talk to him and he's busy, I still sometimes get upset and blame him for ignoring me. So I still have work to do. But I know now I can do it. With or without him. And that's given me the freedom to choose to want to be with him.
When I broke up with him the first time he wrote me an email telling me how being with me through the trial of my healing made him feel closer to me than anyone or anything else. That he wanted to be there to support me and build our future together.
I used to think that my future was doomed. That my life was a tragedy. Now I realize my future is bright. I can be happy. I can be the best me possible-- which I know is possible through many different paths. I love him unconditionally. Not because it is the only path but because it is the one I want.
Two nights ago, I tried to explain to him that I understood that now. That I'm ready and willing to do the rest of the work together. But he said he wasn't interested any more. That we're different people now and that I pushed him away so he feels detached.
In my healing, I've realized that the things I resist the most (admitting that my abuse had an effect on me, believing that I was not to blame, believing he loves me) is often times the thing that I fear and the thing I need to do most.
Questions
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Pushing a partner away, getting help and then, when you felt like you were ready, your partner is not?
Can you help me understand his point of view so that I can be sensitive to what he's feeling?
When I hear him say that he's detached, it makes me think of the times when I was emotionally numb and pushed him away because I couldn't deal with the overwhelming feelings. Do you think when he says he's detached this is what's happening? How can I make him feel safe to share those feelings?
Thank you for your support.
My Background
I was diagnosed with PTSD this January after I finally stopped denying my childhood abuse. I finally came to a point where the way I was thinking, all my self-loathing and my hyper-vigilance finally became to much to handle. In retrospect, I've had some of these symptoms throughout my life but they finally became impossible to repress and deal with. I now do individual talk therapy and group therapy once a week.
The Relationship
He is the first person I have ever loved romantically. I had only had one other brief relationship seven years prior. We fell in love quickly. After the third date, I felt that I could trust him and that I would be safe with him. He was patient and kind. He made me believe that I was not the angry individual I'd been for years. That I could be happy. We moved in together a year later. Eight months after that, he moved across the country and asked me to move with him. I wanted to so badly but it scared the shit out of me.
The Breakup
He was also the first person I ever told about my abuse. I didn't give him any specifics, just that I had been abused for eight years growing up. In the beginning, there were nights when I would cry hysterically or feel like my life wasn't worth living. He always stayed up with me and helped me calm down. Later on, this stopped and instead I would occasionally get irrationally angry at him for no reason or I'd push him away because I thought I didn't deserve him.
When he moved across the country, the stress was too much for me. Even while we were living together I would wake up on some days convinced he didn't love me. Now, with him not there, it became more frequent. In addition, I started feeling unsafe. I would sit in my car and cry because I was afraid. I didn't understand why. I'd lie in bed alone at night and be terrified. When this happened, I'd try to reach out to him but frequency of these terrors and the time difference made it difficult. I broke up with him four or five times over the next three and a half months.
At the final break up, he said that he couldn't stand seeing me like this. That while before it was difficult to see me in so much anguish, he'd believed that our relationship made me a better person. Now he thought it made me worse.
Now
We've talked frequently since the break up. He's made it clear that he wants to be here to support me but that he thinks I need to find support from others as well. Ultimately, he thinks that I need to learn to take responsibility for my own happiness. I agree with him.
I've worked really hard over the past three months to learn about PTSD, to learn to ground myself, to not blame myself and to take care of myself for the sake of myself. I know now that I've done the work to create a strong foundation. I don't think I'm done by any stretch of the imagination. I still occasionally get frightened although with far far far less frequency. When I try to talk to him and he's busy, I still sometimes get upset and blame him for ignoring me. So I still have work to do. But I know now I can do it. With or without him. And that's given me the freedom to choose to want to be with him.
When I broke up with him the first time he wrote me an email telling me how being with me through the trial of my healing made him feel closer to me than anyone or anything else. That he wanted to be there to support me and build our future together.
I used to think that my future was doomed. That my life was a tragedy. Now I realize my future is bright. I can be happy. I can be the best me possible-- which I know is possible through many different paths. I love him unconditionally. Not because it is the only path but because it is the one I want.
Two nights ago, I tried to explain to him that I understood that now. That I'm ready and willing to do the rest of the work together. But he said he wasn't interested any more. That we're different people now and that I pushed him away so he feels detached.
In my healing, I've realized that the things I resist the most (admitting that my abuse had an effect on me, believing that I was not to blame, believing he loves me) is often times the thing that I fear and the thing I need to do most.
Questions
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Pushing a partner away, getting help and then, when you felt like you were ready, your partner is not?
Can you help me understand his point of view so that I can be sensitive to what he's feeling?
When I hear him say that he's detached, it makes me think of the times when I was emotionally numb and pushed him away because I couldn't deal with the overwhelming feelings. Do you think when he says he's detached this is what's happening? How can I make him feel safe to share those feelings?
Thank you for your support.
