Therapist Has Changed

[bitterfight_]

This title means two things, technically.

Background story here and here. In recent days, I didn't have enough money for therapy, so I got a referral to a community health clinic to see their mental health team, and when I told my therapist about it, she laughed (to me it seemed condescendingly) and said "they won't do aaaanyyyything for you - you're too high functioning" and I felt this overwhelming amount of shame and embarrassment for asking for help.

In recent days, there was a misunderstanding on my part about CGPA and GPA and I thought I was flunking out of school, so an advisor at my school told me to get a letter from my T just stating when I was diagnosed, with what, and how it has affected my grades and my ability to go to class etc (I can't go to class a lot of days because of really high anxiety and sometimes the depression is just too overwhelming). She didn't answer for a week, so I sent another email, and she still hadn't responded.

Three days after that last email, I decided to call her (because now the situation was already sorted and I didn't need the letter anymore) so when I called her, and said "it was just a misunderstanding, I don't need the letter", she laughed this same sort of fake laugh again.

She said "how do you misunderstand something like flunking out of university?" and had that same fake/forced laugh, and I just felt like I was slapped in the face. My PTSD is caused by bullying, and she knows how insecure I am and how my last counselor added to the PTSD by being condescending and nasty to me sometimes.

She was a great T, and I really trusted her and told her everything, but lately she keeps acting right nasty to me and I feel like she's putting me down. She even compared my trauma to other people's bullying, and said "everyone goes through it" and compared me to her to I guess inspire me or something.. I don't know. She was just like "I was bullied and look at me now!" kind of attitude.

I feel so triggered and I know I can't return now, although because she keeps saying "they won't do anything for you" she keeps insinuating that I'm stuck with her and can "return at anytime" but I feel trapped. When I left the last time I saw her, I asked what to do when the suicidal thoughts and depression got bad again, and her words were "don't let it".

To top it all off, the CHC keep rescheduling my intake appointment, and it's the third time they've rescheduled and I'm freaking out because what if she's right? What if they can't help me because I'm too high functioning?

 

[xena21]

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult situation. I can definitely relate to frustrating therapists. I'm dealing with something similar but different too. My therapist started telling me how being sexually abused really wasn't that big of a deal, because so many many people go thru it...like 25% of the world deal with it so I'm not alone. She didn't realize how badly that hurt me, despite most likely trying to tell me this to make me feel more included in society and stronger, not alone in the battles of life. Rationally I knew what she was getting at, but it didn't take from the deep hurt she caused just by saying those statements and the way she said them.

In a similar way it sounds like your therapist is trying to boost you up in her own bravado, which falls flat when you feel trapped the way you do. She isn't coming across well at all, and I agree that I would be put off quite a bit by the way she is responding to you. Just because you go see a community health clinic doesn't mean they're any worse or better than some college or private therapist. Believe me I've seen some pretty bad private therapists and some amazing community therapists. It doesn't hurt to try the new therapist. Good luck.

 

[Changing4Best]

I would not ever work with that therapist again, if I were you, even if during some time in the future you can afford to.

That being said, a community mental health association has helped me and I am "high functioning" too. I see the psychiatrist there for my meds and I was going to group there too, but finally I was able to see a therapist elsewhere, as I could afford to, so I thought that would be better. And it is. However, the community group was good too. I made friends with a few folks there and I was understood. I did see a therapist there too, until my insurance was no longer accepted there, but now I have other insurance, so everything with billing is OK again now.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying the community organization. At least give it a try before you take your therapist's word for it. It sounds to me like your therapist is trying to scare you into continuing to see her, so don't buy it!

Also, my current therapist worked out a sliding scale payment agreement with me. She accepts $20 per appointment with me, even though my copay is supposed to be higher.

 

[ill]

@bitterfight_, imagine that you were ending a relationship with anyone other than your T and look at how she's behaving. It sounds a lot like the taunts of "You'll never find anyone better than me" and "You need me" that some abusive partners spout at their leaving spouses when they feel like they're losing power/control and desperately lash out. By my measure, that kind of behaviour is inappropriate when parting from a partner or a friend, but it's doubly inappropriate when it comes from a therapist in a position of trust and is directed at their patient. The whole point of therapy, as I understand it anyway, is to aid in the recovery/healing process of a patient/client so that eventually they *don't* need you. A therapist should be working to make themselves obsolete.

I'm sorry that the CHC has had to reschedule your appointment so many times. It is the community health centre, right? As far as I understand it, CHCs exist to provide health care for low or no income people and they don't discern on the basis of functioning like the Canadian Mental Health Association. While the CMHA may regard you as too high-functioning for a case manager, the CHC isn't going to say that you're too high-functioning to need a family doctor or nurse. There may be a waiting list even after your intake appointment if there is high need in your community, but I'm skeptical about your T's understanding of CHCs and even more skeptical of her efforts to undermine your attempts to access care you need. If she doesn't think they can help you, why hasn't she attempted to find any information or resources to people who can? This is actually unfathomable to me. My health care providers are always trying to hook me up with other resources (my main T hooked me up with group therapy, my group therapist informed me my CHC had someone doing EMDR, etc). Their mission is supposed to be supporting your health and well-being. This does not appear to be what your T is doing, and if that isn't what she's doing, what is she doing? And is it helping you?

Things that might help you if my words don't: Visit your local CHCs website and check out their mission statement/mandate and check out CHCs in Canada on wiki.

@xena21, just because terrible things happen to a whole bunch of people doesn't make them any less terrible. If sexual abuse - the violation of one's boundaries and body - isn't a "big deal," what exactly is? I can understand wanting to let you know that you weren't alone in your experience, but minimizing your trauma doesn't actually give you any productive steps you can take to work through it and it's enormously invalidating, especially from your T. I'm sorry she said that to you.

 

[bitterfight_]

@xena21, thank you. From what I gather though, you seem to be fine with your therapist making such comments. Me on the otherhand, I'm extremely sensitive to comments like these, as I had them throughout the time I was being bullied, and my T knows this. I've made it clear to her, countless times, that I'm very (some would say overly) sensitive to sarcasm or snarky comments, as I got them from some authority figures when I was trying to report to the police the harrassment/death threats/assaults I was receiving at school.

Unlike most people, my bullying wasn't really run-of-the-mill, so for her to compare that and be like "most people get bullied", it seems to translate (in my mind) to "so just shut up and stop complaining because you could have it worse".

Honestly, your T sounds extremely insensitive to your trauma, and I don't know how you're seeing her while she's making those sorts of insunations and generalizations. Nonetheless, I agree (sort of) with what you've said. In summary though, my T just appears to be tuning out all of my feelings at this point. :(

@SheilaKathy, trust me, I'm not. Ever since she's been acting this way, she's brought me back to my bullying years when the school counselor saw all the bullying and kept telling me "everyone goes through it" and "you need to stop complaining" sort of thing. I think I'm functioning at a great level given my struggles, yes, but making someone feel bad for being that way just.. shocks me.

Some of my symptoms appear to be the opposite of high functioning, like my anger and my suicidal thoughts, as well as my anxiety. I think group would be great, and I would love to try whatever I can to get better. I wish my T would be able to do that with me, but she offered Pro Bono and then retracted it when she knew I didn't have any money left.

@ill, you hit the nail right on the head. I feel like she's taunting me, to the point where it feels like "I know all of your deepest, darkest secrets, so now you'll never be able to leave! they won't help you anyways!" kind of thing.

She's reminding me entirely of my counselor from junior high. It's extremely triggering at this point. I think she's trying to make herself obsolete, but it's like she's moving too quickly. I've seen her for 6 months, and in that time we were doing great with processing, but then she wanted to move on and work on getting me reintegrated without me even having finished my processing.

Yes, the CHC is the community health centre. That's another thing though. I'm considered middle income, I suppose (now that my mother finally has a new job), and I live at home, but I fear that they'll say they can't help me because of that (or because I'm too high functioning) and I will be forced to look for another therapist and pay directly out of pocket (my parents have no insurance with their work, and can't afford it anyways). I don't necessarily need a case manager, I just was looking for a psychiatrist (as I'm pretty sure I also have either BPD or Bipolar on top of the PTSD), and a psychologist, and maybe group therapy or something similar. I already have a family doc, and she's horrible so there's that.

There definitely will be a waiting list, and I was told 2-3 months, or even 3-4 months, but that's what makes me nervous about everything even more. My PTSD symptoms tend to resurface if I'm not actively working on them in therapy, and I know I should be doing it outside of therapy too, and I am, but it's not the same as processing everything.

Um wow, I never even realized that you're right, she should be helping me to find information or resources for me while I have no money to see her, but she's not. I never even looked at it from that angle. I honestly have no idea what my T is doing, and it's definitely not helping me.

See, during my processing we got halfway through it and my T wanted me to write a return letter. I was disgusted by this, as she wanted me to write what I would want them to say to me (an apology letter). I made it clear that I wasn't ready for this, and she pushed it, and it triggered me badly enough that I relapsed.

Recently she just said that I needed to continue yoga and didn't need to see her as much anymore, which hurt me because I still feel like we didn't get anywhere with everything. I seem to continue to find people like this who promise to help me, and in response they add more knives to my back than there were before. I feel like I'm sinking. I did visit my CHC's website, and I checked out their mission statement/mandate, but I don't know anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I can't trust anyone, because if they're all going to turn out like both counselors I've had, what's the point?

 

[xena21]

From what I gather though, you seem to be fine with your therapist making such comments.

I'm sorry I came off sounding like I was ok with my therapist making those comments. I don't like it or feel good about it at all. I was trying to relate to your situation where you also feel horrible by what your therapist said to you. It hurts me deeply that my therapist would think so little of me to say those things about abuse and my history, and I'm trying do decide myself whether to go back to see her. I am very much someone that self-sabotages so I need to be careful that I'm not just canceling with her to hurt myself in the end. I do everything I can to self injure in every way possible. It doesn't matter if it means quitting therapy, physically injuring myself, drinking, avoiding life, you name it, so I need to be careful I stop for the right reasons.

I do think you have a right to be hurt by what your therapist said to you and the way she acted. I do relate to how she is treating you and wish you the best.

 

[greenleaf]

@Bitterfight -- this T doesn't sound professional. I also doubt she really understands the effects of trauma at all -- I would really not contact her, and do try the Community resources. Comparing her trauma -- or anyone's -- to yours, is totally out of line, and yes she should have been helping you to find other resources. I'm very sorry you had to deal with a messed-up T. Hang in there - you will find a better person! Also -- can you switch primary doctors, if you dislike your current one?

 

[ghotiff]

My therapist started telling me how being sexually abused really wasn't that big of a deal, because so many many people go thru it...like 25% of the world deal with it so I'm not alone. She didn't realize how badly that hurt me, despite most likely trying to tell me this to make me feel more included in society and stronger, not alone in the battles of life

I have read a lot of papers/manuals aimed at teaching therapists how to perform therapy for childhood sexual abuse. I am sorry to say that almost all of them tell the therapists to say this with the goal of normalising the event so the patient doesn't feel so alone. It doesn't work !

I agree with you @xena21 totally, it is absolutely minimising to my feelings and my symptoms. It plays right into the hands of all those people (when I was going through it) who knew, but did nothing to help me. The message I received from all of this was 'suck it up' and 'its not that bad' and 'you'll be fine'. Well, physically I didn't actually die ...but it really was that bad and I have so many issues in my life because of it.

On another thread someone had a great response (to a similar rant of mine on this issue). they said that a T telling me that others have had worse, does not help...and their analogy was ... Its like taking a person with appendicitis to see what the suffering is in an oncology ward to make them 'better'.

 

[bitterfight_]

The worst part about all of this is that I'm almost positive I also have BPD or Bipolar Disorder, and some form of depression (although that probably just comes from the PTSD itself so) and I have no one to talk to this about or no one to tell.

@xena21, it's alright, I didn't want what was happening with me and my T to influence your relationship with your T. I know exactly what you mean by feeling hurt that your T would neglect to think about your history with abuse and whatnot. For me, it's bullying. I definitely understand the whole self-sabotage thing, but at the same time, I think you're also one to hold onto people who hurt you, whether you've noticed it or not, or whether you're trying to deny that to yourself or not. I'm one to play off someone's mean comments to me, and it's been bugging me all week what my T has said and has been acting like, and tonight I just kind of snapped. I definitely hope you consider everything before making a choice in regards to you and your T, and I hope everything works out for you. Thank you as well for the well wishes.

@greenleaf, that's what I've been told by almost everyone around me, but it's hard for me to notice when people cross boundaries like these. I haven't contacted her since she last laughed at me on the phone, but I think she realized her approach was wrong, because she asked "is everything okay?" before I hung up on her. I have no intent on returning, and if she calls or emails, I will be ignoring her requests to talk to me. She's too triggering for me at this point, considering her behavior is bringing up old issues with a former counselor. Someone on here suggested I also email the CHMA/CMHA (whatever it's called) and explain my situation to make sure everything gets sorted out and I can get the resources I need, so I may do that as well while I'm waiting for my intake with the CHC. Everyone says that - the "you will find a better person" but it's the same thing with this current T. She kept reassuring me that she wasn't like the last one, and it turned out that my intuition was correct. Unfortunately, I could try to switch my primary doc, but most of them here are the same: they don't care at all.

@ghotiff, I think that you're correct in that a lot of T's are taught to respond to trauma by normalising it. It's hard though, because it doesn't work. When you said that it plays right into the hands of all those people who knew but did nothing to help you - that's exactly my feelings on how my T has been acting. The "you must be over exaggerating" and "it couldn't have been that bad" and "everyone gets bullied, it's life". It's kind of like, what? How is being assaulted/harrassed/stalked overexaggerating or a part of life? How is it "not that bad", you know? WOW yes, that's definitely a great analogy for it. I agree that it's definitely like taking a person with appendicitis to see what the suffering is in an oncology ward to make a person feel better. Great analogy.

 

[ghotiff]

The "you must be over exaggerating" and "it couldn't have been that bad" and "everyone gets bullied, it's life".

I so feel for you with this. I have days were I wish my past trauma were visible to others. I wish I could say, please don't mock me for limping, can't you see I'm missing half a limb.

 

[bitterfight_]

I so feel for you with this. I have days were I wish my past trauma were visible to others. I wish I could say, please don't mock me for limping, can't you see I'm missing half a limb.

Exactly how I feel.