It Is So Easy To Hide From The World

[Wolvescry]

Triggers happen all the time. Scents, comments, sights, and more can take me back. I worry constantly that I am going to have a panic attack, or defensive anger outburst. I feel so crazy when it happens. It could be a panic attack where I freak out and can't breathe, or even worst, I go nuts and start saying weird stuff and behaving oddly. It is so embarrassing. I feel so bad for people, when they trigger me, because I know it hurts them too. That's why it is so easy to hide all day from people and the world. You do not want them to see the mess you are. My guilt is not as heavy but I think it will always be there. People do not understand. How it is to live this way. My social skills are getting better, but is so hard to tell who is safe or not. After all friends are not always what they seem.

To be honest I have fears. I know most people do not even notice me, but I worry that if people find out what happened to me they may want revenge. Family members may get angry, and friends too. Its just I do not feel that that is necessary. My ex almost killed me several times, but I understand his anger. It was not just me he was angry about. Studies show that men who suffer from depression are more likely to be abusive. We both suffered together, I still care about him as a person, he just needed help. He felt so bad about what he did.

The guy from the party, felt bad too, He made bad choices, took drugs and hurt someone he knew, he felt bad.

I worry about things. I have been taking MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) classes for almost a year, and even though most people do not notice me, or do not even like me (not the most trusting person) but I worry that if people who may develop an emotional relationship with me (like sees me as a friend) and they find out what happened they may want to get justice. Maybe it is just another random thing to worry about, but I worry anyway.

IDK I get so confused sometimes. I feel as though I put us all in those situations and damage us all, but then I wonder, were there others. What if I was not the only rape victim, what if my ex abuses again. What if my silence caused more people more pain. But then again what if it was my fault and my own need for attention and love caused people I cared about to hurt me and hurt themselves. Its so hard to understand.

Is this rational way to think about it? Am I feeling bad for my abusers?

I guess my main worry is that they would get punished for something that is really my fault. That I would bring people into a mess I caused. IDK I just do not know.

 

[ghotiff]

What if I was not the only rape victim, what if my ex abuses again. What if my silence caused more people more pain

You are not responsible for anyone else's abusive behaviours. If one day you are in place where you can take the legal path, then by all means I support you. BUT....not everyone is able to do that. You need to look after yourself first. I expect from your post that you feel that going legal could trigger you and send you downhill in your recovery. Sometimes you deserve to look after yourself first.

It was my fault and my own need for attention and love caused people I cared about to hurt me and hurt themselves

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

This was the analogy that helped me understand. Apparently children of alcoholics tend (more often than children of non-alcoholic parents) to marry alcoholics and the reasoning is that people are drawn to what they know. The unknown, is actually more scary that the known....even when the known is scary. A child of an alcoholic learns how to live with an alcoholic, they learn what to do and how to cope in that environment. Put this child (as and adult) in a relationship where the partner is as sweet as pie....they don't know how to cope....the sweet-as-pie person is unpredictable to them and thus is scarier than the known unpredictability of a known alcoholic.

This, I believe is what is referred to as the cycle of abuse. It is horrible to accept, and I still fight accepting it. Apparently another concept linked to this is that adults can actively be attracted to abusive people and re-create problems from their past so that they can re-live them but with the sub-conscious goal that this time they will get a better outcome. In this way, the adult creates a feeling of control over their past problems.

Please believe me.....it is NOT YOUR FAULT...you are not responsible for another persons abusive actions. THEY are responsible for their own actions.

 

[ghotiff]

Something I should have said earlier.

Often we can't help in those situations that are too close to us, but this doesn't mean we don't help others. Your posts here are liked, which means you are helping others.

 

[Lionheart]

I can only speak for myself, but my view is basically this; I can't clean up the cesspool, but I don't have to add to it!!!

Short and sweet but that is just my 2 cents, I don't allow others to make me feel nor do I choose to feel responsible for things that are not within my control and that includes other people, whether they are abusive to others or not.

I hope this doesn't sound cold, I do care about others and I hope they get help and do not harm anyone else,but I do not feel responsible for their abusive actions.

By the way I noticed you mentioned M.M.A. and I wanted to say that I took Karate classes as a young boy and it really helped me learn to defend myself and that I am more powerful than I ever imagined. Good luck with the Mixed Martial Arts, I think that is an excellent way to empower yourself.

You sound like a good person and I would hate to see you beat yourself up over other people's behaviors. My suggestion for you is this....Focus on your own behaviors and free yourself from carrying that weight on your shoulders.

Oh yeah and I agree with what ghotiff has said, you were not at fault!!!

Best of luck to you,
Lionheart

 

[ghotiff]

I can't clean up the cesspool, but I don't have to add to it!!!

Such a cool quote.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that you've taken on a bit of guilt and responsibility that were never yours to begin with. It is important to lay the blame on the guilty parties. No matter what you did, no matter how you think you may have contributed, the fault always lies with the perpetrator. He always had the choice to simply walk away instead of doing whatever it was that he did to you. Please don't take on his guilt. You don't deserve it.

Are you in the USA? I ask because you can report your abuser through social services. It is different than reporting to the police. (A lot of people think reporting is reporting, but this isn't true. My reporting was not through the police.) I knew that reporting would give me my voice back and I would also do what was necessary to help other kids stay protected. I knew it would never go to court, as these things rarely do when it's just one persons verbal accusation against the others denial. But, I got my voice back. I am no longer silenced. And, I did everything legally within my power to protect others.

This was just how I dealt with things. I know I have no power (otherwise) in preventing her from abusing again. But, I can rest knowing I did everything within my power to prevent it from happening again. I hope you can find a way to be at peace with it all.

 

[Wolvescry]

Thank you everyone. Your words mean a lot to me, I just get so confused sometimes. My life has had constant trauma since I can first register what is going on in my surroundings and it is hard to understand the world around me. I worry because I know this confusion can be a symptom of another disorder, but I wonder if its just natural confusion for thesituations. To be honest I want to trust people and the world again, but the world I seen is so dark. I need to find balance between the two.

@Solara-Thank you so much, I did not know about those options and I think it may help out a lot. I appreciate you sharing your experience.
@ghot-Thank you so much for the support and advice
@Lion-I love your quote, simple words can make a big difference