Dom Violence What Do You Think Makes You Vulnerable/ Susceptible To Domestic Violence?

[Nicolette]

After reading some posts on here I began to wonder why we think we are vulnerable or susceptible to domestic violence.

Most of us have identified with childhood abuse being a contributing factor to us gravitating towards partners who are abusive. Whether that being a false sense of our 'normal' or what is familiar despite logically being able to have insight when looking at another person's position (looking from the outside in). So some of us comprehend domestic violence is wrong, can identify it for others, have good advice to share yet cannot implement those things in our own lives in order to protect ourselves. Assertion being a word I'm seeing being described as to what is lacking.

So how do you change and become assertive or gain self esteem? It's not like you can buy it in the shop, it grows on trees or do a course on and be instantly 'changed' for self betterment. You can do courses in how to improve your ability to identify 'unhealthy' or self detrimental behaviours and build your self esteem but they only work if you actually are willing to implement what is learned and apply it to your life.

I'm curious to work out what puts us in 'danger' in the first place?

For myself, I know my biggest downfall was the desperation of wanting to be loved and cared for. I get it comes from my childhood but that 'need' overrode any sense of logic or reason when it came to partners, even friends. I would be the one giving and being abused. I see a lesser of an extent of it in my son. I am currently desperately trying to educate him in the difference between giving to your friends versus being abused (a doormat). I thought I did that?! Did he see me give too much of myself. Is that why he is, what I would only say as, too kind for his own good? He's not around bad people but they do take advantage of him. Is that my fault?

Having no or little self esteem has been a big factor. I've had lots of people tell me I need to improve it but how?! I have devoured all the self help and motivational books I could get my hands on to the point of being tired of trying. Funnily enough my biggest driving force or motivation is when some puts me down as it invokes my ability to do something as I have a hunger for proving them wrong. On analysis this is turning something negative into a positive however I don't want to have to be put down in order to strive for something.

I know my need to 'fix' people made me vulnerable. It took some years for me to come to the realisation that I was repeatedly dating my step father in a subconscious attempt of believing that if I could 'fix' their abusive ways it would somehow impact and heal my childhood, or maybe even give me hope that I could, as an adult, 'fix' my stepfather. My stepfather did mellow and change as he aged but seeing that still doesn't fix anything in my head. Quite ironic.

What about you? What do you identify as things you need to improve on in order to not end up in a or another domestic violence situation?

 

[intothelight]

Here is my list and it is very similar to your.

1. Abusive childhood
2. Unmet emotional needs
3. Poor relationship role models
4. Low self esteem
5. Blaming myself for the actions of others.
6. Need to "fix" things

I can't change what happened, but I have worked hard on 4, 5, and 6. I am getting better at just being me and being responsible for myself, and not everything and everyone else.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Nicolette,


I agree and relate to many of the points brought up by both you and intothelight.

I too have numbers 1 to 6.

The very big thing I would add for me is learned helplessness and dissociation. I have just been posting about this on the other site. It is what I call my "zombie mode" and when in it I loose all my normal thought processes. I become a thing.

I have to say too that I always hated men (I don't now) whilst wanting their attention (and wanting to disappear at the same time!) and I didn't think I needed to be married to have worth. In fact I hated the idea of marriage and wondered why anyone did it. I also had a habit of seeing a guy for one date and then dumping them. But if someone had the chance to get me just a little hooked and then behaved in a way that set off my zombie mode then the rest followed pretty quickly and I was stuck.. And at that point I just reacted and needed to try to be better and do better to make it OK.

I would also list over empathising. I am not proud of that by the way. I saw my empathy almost as a disability for long time. A combination of being able to feel the other persons feelings intensely and a total disregard and disconnection from my own needs and feelings were a disaster waiting to happen.

Also the principles that were taught to me as a child. Such as the wonderful skill of eggshell stepping. :tongue:

Is that my fault?

I think there are a lot of things that can affect it that had nothing to do with you Nicolette. Is he very empathic? Is he quite sensitive in general?

The great thing is that regardless of these things and possible influence from seeing things we shouldn't, we can control it and change and he has a very switched on mum so he is sure to fine! :smile:

 

[Nicolette]

I also had a habit of seeing a guy for one date and then dumping them.

Can you now work out why you did this Abstract? If you disliked men do you know why you went out on a date? There would be the actual meeting before the date. Are you able to put your finger on what you would be thinking? Was it putting your toes in the water to see if anything was different to what you believed. Hell, we've all had our twisted thinking so please don't think you're being judged. It does help though if you can work out your own coping mechanisms.

 

[Abstract]

Just afraid I think Nicolette. I didn't trust men but I was normal in that I met people I liked and found attractive. I guess what everyone wants - to love someone and to be loved. Without realising it I was afraid of any closeness or commitment. Before my wedding they had to sedate me and put me to bed. :redface: I was mortified. Although a lot of it was caused by family stuff too. I could barely speak to say my wedding vows and started choking a little half way through. o_O I was very cynical and didn't believe in marriage until I decided to get married.

When I was in my date and run stage I never consciously realised I had such a warped opinion of men. I was very aware in general and knew there was some problem there but not the big picture.

I hate to say this too but there was a side of me that felt comfortable being around men as I at least felt I understood what they wanted from me. With woman my trust issues are much more complex.

I was also extremely shy and socially phobic. To a ridiculous extent. I was thinking about this recently as I think it has only just sunk in how socially inept I was. I was also quite strangely "proper" at the same time so I think I must have confused people immensely.

I was brought up very strictly and wasn't allowed boyfriends amongst other things. I was always the good girl and the one who tried to do what was expected of me which I imagine is common with a lot of us.

After my date and run period I only had long term serious relationships.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I was the best little girl in the world. I knew people would treat me better if I continued to be the best little girl. If I was abused, it was because I wasn't keeping up my end of the bargain. The more abusive someone became, the more I tried harder to be the best little girl, even when I was an adult. I'm glad I found this site, I have a lot of issues surrounding this.

 

[Nicolette]

I was brought up very strictly and wasn't allowed boyfriends amongst other things. I was always the good girl and the one who tried to do what was expected of me which I imagine is common with a lot of us.

Oh yes, I was one of those until I ran away from home and then the issue was the embarrassment I caused the family with no concern for what motivated me to do that.

I hate to say this too but there was a side of me that felt comfortable being around men as I at least felt I understood what they wanted from me. With woman my trust issues are much more complex.

This makes a lot of sense to me as, in my adult opinion, my mother is more guilty than my step father who abused me as she failed to protect me yet played the role of the wonderful mother to the outside. She was so homely and loved children, even taking in a child and babysitting him for quite some years on top of a house full of children, as she was so giving of herself (well that is what the world saw). I couldn't count on her. As for males, I knew that if I did what they needed then I was safe until the next time.

I think I need to say my mother was emotionally manipulative which hurt more than the physical abuse but I don't know why she was. She has all my siblings held by strings if that makes sense. I believe she had an abnormal need as she fed of all the attention yet was trapped in her own home which was her own doing........ women confuse me. It takes a lot for me to trust women in my personal life and I only have a few trusted friends.

I guess what everyone wants - to love someone and to be loved.

And here in lies the fundamental problem I believe...... what leads us to being sucked into an unhealthy vortex.

 

[Candleflames]

I have been wondering this myself for a while. There's probably so many reasons that none of us can really fit neatly under any one label.

1. Abusive childhood 2. Unmet emotional needs 3. Poor relationship role models 4. Low self esteem 5. Blaming myself for the actions of others. 6. Need to "fix" things

I think this is an awesome list to start with. I'd like to add:

7. Belief in rigid gender roles
8. Belief in a strict social hierarchy
9. Having a preexisting illness either mental or physical
10. Growing up in a nonabusive but authoritarian household

For me I definitely fit in with 1-5 and 9 while my mom would fit with at least 2, 4, 6, 7 and 10.

Moving on from numbers, how I got here is both more complicated and simpler. I have no reference for what a healthy relationship is like. I took the initial lack of pain and suffering as a sign of the presence of something good. He wasn't controlling or manipulative like the other boyfriends were. He also wasn't violent like my dad was. He was affectionate to the point of being possessive which filled my need to be wanted.

I couldn't think clearly. I just so wanted someone to be there with me to stick together with and grow a life together. I didn't know what to look for, only what I didn't want. I ignored the red flags because really it wasn't as bad as I had known. My marriage never got as bad as my childhood. But it's never gotten good either.

 

[Nicolette]

I didn't know what to look for, only what I didn't want.

I can totally identify with this..... how do you know what you want when you have no idea what it looks like?!

 

[macbeth]

@intothelight's list above pretty much sums up my childhood. I was also a people pleaser. I thought that if I did want they wanted me to do, if I could keep them happy, then they wouldn't hurt me. I guess from a child's point of view it gave me a sense of control in an out of control environment.

 

[Nicolette]

I guess from a child's point of view it gave me a sense of control in an out of control environment.

In my experience people pleasing as a child was one of the things which kept me safe.

 

[Candleflames]

I tried people pleasing as a kid for a couple of years but it never worked for me. I still got it for what others did or said. Consequently I'm not really very good with complying with others wishes now. Yet i still gravitate towards strong personalities.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. I'm wondering if I really am recreating old patterns. My family was critical and harsh and I never gained approval. So I am drawn to people who are going to be critical and rigid and then try to validate myself by convincing them to approve of me. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying and fighting to be heard, to be accepted and for recognition. At the same time I have piss-poor skills to do this.